Food, inglorious, ignominious, ignoble food. I felt not a hundred percent as I was looking through some so-called “Christmas” menus in a particular glossy.

Apart from the Samoan incident, the Missus dishes up very good victuals. Her puff pastry is lighter than air, shattering into a zillion pieces when you take your fork to the Brie en Croûte... and you can read a newspaper through her filo pastry for spanakopita (spinach pie).

I had to laugh when I saw this note on one of her recipe sheets, issued by the company that sells good, old-fashioned lard: Please note that although the "Non-Hydrogenated" flag has been removed from the packaging, the ingredients in the product itself have not changed. This product is not a formulated shortening, or margarine: it is natural lard.

You can’t get more natural than lard, can you? I am not a foodie. I am a gastronome, and epicure, a connoisseur. I have to be, because the Missus uses me as a tester.

She does this all the time, you know and not “Just Because It’s Christmas”. She will cook something again only if she thinks she ought to, and on occasion, if there is a special request for it. She’s thinking of branching out into the catering business.

Every night, before she retires, she goes online to check the Earth Almanac, World Calendar, Globe Checklist and Planet Manual to see whether there is any recipe connected with an event somewhere, that she ought to be trying. Add this to the repertoire of recipes she already has, and the ones that plop through the mailbox almost every day – and you’ll know why I crave some of your kawlata at times.

Today, of course, she invited the neighbours over for a fenkata (she used hare, but didn’t tell them; she cooked it in Marsala and it tasted fine.), because she found out it was your Republic Day. Oh, yes, and bigilla (bean paste) and galletti (water biscuits) as hors d’oeuvres and roasted peanuts and Ħelwa tat-Tork (halva) to round up the feast... do I detect the beginnings of a tummy - go figure belly - on my svelte frame?

Yesterday was one of the few days in our married life that we ate out – we went to Earl’s and had some Prawn and Scallop Linguini (citrus white wine cream sauce, grape tomatoes, fresh basil, arugula, grated parmesan, toasted pine nuts) for starters and Brown Sugar and Dijon Mustard Glazed Cedar Planked Salmon (marinated fish steaks, arugula mint and cilantro salad, brown basmati rice and seasonal vegetables). No dessert... and even I was too full to even contemplate supper, so we just had a piazza, a thick milkshake, and a bowlful of nuts. I wonder whether their “Doctor’s Orders Martini” is called so because of the fruits it contains... blueberry Smirnoff vodka, acai and mangosteen juices, agave nectar, and freshly- squeezed lime juice?

Still, I can’t help wondering which “fusion cuisine” she would have concocted yesterday, seeing that amongst the red-letter dates for December 12 are Our Lady of Guadeloupe, Turkmenistan’s Day of Neutrality and Day of Student Youth, Sri Lanka’s Unduvap Full Moon Poya Day, and of course, Bonza Bottler Day!