Haven't you been caught up in the sheer breathtaking excitement of this new branding exercise for our tourism product? Haven't you just thrilled to the enterprise and innovative thinking behind the initiative?

Brand Malta! So simple and yet so... so...

No, me neither. I can hear the clang of stable doors loud in both ears. I mean just how do you sell a sweaty, dirty, cramped, polluted rock in the middle of an equally polluted sea? Not easy, but I have an idea or two that may at least con a few gullible punters to part with their hard-earned euros, dollars and yen in Product Malta.

I humbly believe the authorities have been going about the whole thing back to front. Nobody with an ounce of brain in his or her head is going to buy that Brand Malta nonsense. I mean, would you swallow a load of old cobblers, intended to make tatty Malta appear more like flash Capri? No, of course you wouldn't. No, what we need is something much subtler.

For a start, we should be making a virtue of our failings. What do I mean?

Try this ad campaign for size.

"Spend your next vacation in Malta... and get the chance to actually travel in one of our quaint Neanderthal buses. And while you're about it, you'll get to meet (or at any rate, get into close contact with) one of our quaint Neanderthal bus drivers. Just give him a fiver and ask for the change. That could lead to a life-changing experience for you... and your family."

See what I mean? OK, I know what you're thinking. That is making a virtue of pig ignorance. Well, the way I see it is... hey! You're not going to change our bus drivers (no charm school course under the sun could do that), so why not try to make something positive out of the experience of tourists getting up close and personal with one?

The same thing applies to tourists getting ripped off in shops and restaurants. Look on the bright side and convert it into a unique Malta experience. The ad should go something like:

So you paid 10 quid for a Lm2 T-shirt that fell apart in the very first wash? All our T-shirts are designed to do this. It's called built-in obsolescence and comes free with every shirt. You may think you've been overcharged for rubbish, but look upon it as yet another... Malta experience, and rejoice.

Even our polluted sea can be advertised as a plus point.

Take a dip in waters infused with carefully selected fish guano. As good as a thermal mud bath and twice as exciting. Fish guano, from our strategically sited fish-farms, is guaranteed to leave your skin feeling... different.

We can even make timeshare touts sound sexy:

Hi there, visitor to our Maltese Islands. Have you been bothered by timeshare touts?

Course you have, but here's what to do the next time it happens:

Go along with the invitation to visit the jerry-built apartment. Accept all the free booze you're offered, plus the inevitable naff free gift. Then beam a big smile and tell the tout to **** off! That way you've won and got a few freebies into the bargain. Oh what fun!

And what about those bloody hunters? Yes, even they can become one of our plus points. How's this for a 'positive' spin on the abomination:

Visit Malta and enjoy the thrill of being in Beirut... without the risk of perishing in a hail of gunfire. Because... although there are plenty of realistic artillery explosions, the fun bit is... they are not shooting at you! (Well not unless you snag one of their mist nets, anyway.) They are actually blasting away at non-existent birds. So just crawl along on your belly and feel SAFE.

And finally, talking of explosions, let's at least try and make a virtue of all that building development and those petards:

Come to Malta for fun and an explosively good time!

Start your day with an early morning call from your friendly neighbourhood jack-hammer... Then party long into the night as the walls shake and shudder to those cheery petards.

Oh yes, you can sell anything to anyone, with just a little ingenuity.