Panto dame Widow Twanky made it all the way from Old Peking to Malta to speak about her dear son, Aladdin as well as share some behind-the-scenes information about politicians. Dame Fanny’s trip was much shorter from Captain Hook’s ship harboured at the Yacht Marina. She too had some inside information to for Veronica Stivala.
One would think the tough task of running a launderette business and bringing up two teenage boys would leave its owner no time to take care of herself. Not so for Widow Twanky, mother of Aladdin and Wishy Washy.
Sporting a flamboyant yet striking fuchsia feather bodice, matching polka dot ruffled skirt and heels so high Spiderman would have a rough job scaling, Widow Twanky balances herself with the grace of a tipsy flamingo, never once flinching, her heavy makeup possibly hiding her tired eyes.
As for Dame Fanny, although her job in the greasy kitchen as cook for a crew of seafaring pirates can by no means do her skin any good, the warm glow that radiates from her heavily caked face must surely stem from the passion Captain Hook has aroused in her.
One cannot help but feel an ounce of compassion for the woman who lets slip that “Jazzy (Captain Hook must have struck some chord in her) doesn’t like me as much as I do him”. Although this dame has expressed strong wishes for the captain to give her a ‘Kiss the cook’ apron’, one suspects her Christmas stocking will not be blessed with such a gift this year.
Widow Twanky, on the other hand, seems to have had better luck with members of the opposite sex. Although not too excited by the decrepit state of Malta, she describes her trip from Old Peking as being quite enjoyable:
“I arrived in good time thanks to my connected friend, Tonio Fenech. He gave me a bit of a ride on a jet. We stopped to watch a football match on the way. It was very nice.”
Despite being treated to such luxurious adventures, Widow Twanky admits that, as many of us have, she too has felt the effects of the credit crunch.
“I think this whole credit crunch is absolutely disgraceful,” she moans. “I read in the paper about some poor woman who couldn’t even pay her grocery bills. She couldn’t pay €600 so she offered to sleep with him.
“I think this is absolutely disgusting and disgraceful. In my day, the grocer could sleep with six different women for €600.”
Evidently also feeling the pinch, Dame Fanny is quick to add that she’d sleep with her grocer for less.
The incident strikes home with Widow Twanky for she too once had an affair with a grocer: “It was an innocent mistake, because on his van he had a big sign which said “Tal-ħaxix” but the last ‘x’ was covered by some lettuce.”
The economic crisis hasn’t been kind to Dame Fanny who although proud of her Sliema-roots, has been degraded to cooking endless scaly meals.
She laments: “Before the economic crisis I was a personal assistant to a big shot on the island. And now look where I am: a crappy job on this luzzu. Now I’m just cooking for men, for pirates. I hate the whole lot of them.”
And yet, neither the salty sea nor the dishwasher powder, appear to have come in the way of these ladies’ neatly groomed hair.
Delicately poised under her gravity-defying magenta hair, Widow Twanky explains that she does her hair herself.
“I’m known for giving very good blow dries. On the head; I give good head. And that’s what I’m known for,” she proudly asserts.
The subject turns to politics. Would Dame Fanny like to be President George Abela’s first lady?
“George and I we have a long history,” she says bashfully. “I think before George married his wife, he would have really been interested in me. So yes I would love to be his first lady. In any position he wants me to.
Speaking of positions, if Widow Twanky were to be given a ministry to take care of, which position would she take?
“I’d very much like the position of whoever’s in charge of the illegal immigrants,” comes the surprising answer. Unsurprisingly though, follow her motives: “All these young men coming from overseas; they’re not staying in good conditions. I think they’d be more comfortable if all these men just stayed at my house. And they’d have jobs – they could give me grapes and things.”
We discuss Widow Twanky’s successful launderette of whose clients she is ready to share a few ‘inside’ secrets. Admittedly it is the politicians who have the most dirty laundry.
A recent client was former labour leader Dom Mintoff who came in to wash his green anorak. He didn’t actually remove it and was hosed down instead.
They also found a letter in the pocket of Dr Gonzi’s trousers. It said, “Dear Commissioner Borg, we thank you for your services. “Maybe we should have posted it,” she muses.
Speaking of men in the limelight, Dame Fanny reveals her soft spot for a man with an equally soft side to him; one who is not afraid to cry.
Attracted to someone who is in touch with his emotional side, she shares how she “love(s) men who cry”.
“Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando is a lovely hunk, an incredible person,” she says. She is drawn to “the things he does” and “the way he gets around them. He must be such a lovely person to know. I should try to get to know him and his friends more. It will help me a great deal.”
Who would Widow Twanky like to date?
“I would like to have my turn with Joseph Muscat because I’ve heard he always comes late. That’s good for me,” she says.
MADC’S Peter Panto will be at the MFCC, Ta’ Qali, between Friday and January 3. There will be no performances on the December 24, 25 and 31 and January 1. Tickets starting at €10 can be booked at www.madc.biz.
Masquerade’s Aladdin is on at the Manoel Theatre, from Friday to December 23, 26 to 30, and January 2 to 6. Booking from Manoel Theatre or www.masquerademalta.com.