Before anyone starts whinging that this is a personal attack, or that I am about to devour Joseph’s offspring while Michelle weeps in the wings, the song that the MLP chose to usher in their Leader on Sunday was David Guetta’s “Without You”, and it contains the line “I am vain”.   It also has “I can't win, I can't reign”, which says volumes about the people who run these things for the MLP – form over substance, every time.

But I’m not interested in sermons to the faithful, others can cover them.  I’m more interested in what goes on in the Great Leader’s head and using my powers of thought-reading, I was able to catch what he was thinking before he answered the questions put to him in the Sunday Times’ interview. 

For your convenience and reading pleasure, I’ve reproduced the question in bold, after which the Thoughts of the Leader appear.  For the actual answer given, you’ll have to do your own digging.

The timing of the vote of no confidence is being interpreted by the PN as a sign of hunger for power on your behalf. Don’t you think this PN strategy could eventually work against you? Hmm, he knows I didn’t really think this one through, especially with Franco starting to mess me around again – I should have been nicer to him at St Aloysius…

The PN only called a vote of no confidence the following March and that was linked to Mr Mintoff’s abstention to a vote on foreign policy. You’ve pounced at the opportunity after a couple of weeks.  What do you mean, it’s already been a couple of weeks?  I want to be Prime Minister and I want to be it now, darn it…

So you’re saying the PN should also have called a vote of no confidence in late 1997.  Well, if they had, we wouldn’t be messing around, I’d be Prime Minister already, but I can’t say that…

How will the Labour Party react if Franco Debono abstains from Thursday’s vote? I shouldn’t say we’ll weep and wail and we’ll stamp our feet, should I? Oh well, back to the instability issue: I wish he’d get off this tack.

Are you saying the situation will remain unresolved even if Dr Debono supports the government on Thursday? Get off this line, already – I can’t bear to think what will happen if Franco doesn’t bring the Government crashing down next week, I need to be PM and I need it now. I’ll spin the investment line, that always sounds good.

The PL has evidently jumped on the Debono bandwagon. Be honest, do you think Debono’s demands and ways are justified?  Does this guy think I’m a total idiot?  It’s only the Lil’Elves, bless’em, who think Franco makes sense – I’ve known him too long – flipping heck, way too long – to risk being seen in the same neck of the woods as him.

How would you react if one of your MPS acts this way when you’re PM? I’ll belabour him or her about the head with a rolled up copy of the Orizzont, that’s what I’ll do, but I can’t say that, so it’s back to blaming Gooonzi.

Considering the global problems, does it pay the PL to go for an election now? Who does this guy think I am, Edward Scicluna or something. How the heck am I supposed to know about global problems, it’s all I can do to focus on local ones?  I’ll just say we’re ready to govern, no-one will know different and by the time we’re in, it will be too late.

At what point has your electoral manifesto reached? Again, does this guy not know who I am?  Better dump it onto Karmenu Vella, he’s old enough not to mind taking the blame.

You said the PL is the underdog in this election.  Damn it, are they never going to let me forget this one?  Yes, we’re the underdog, because the electorate isn’t stupid and it’s made it clear to us so many times that I’ve lost count. 

You might say you’re not taking things for granted, but in the party there’s strong optimism. MP George Vella has even referred to you as the “Prime Minister”. Well, wasn’t he right to do so?  He’ll have to get used to it … but wait, I can’t look over-confident, dial it back.

MEP Simon Busuttil said: “Muscat walks like a Nationalist, talks like one. He even dresses up like one. But he does not have PN policies. Correction – he does not have any policies.” Do you have policies?  Policies?  Now there’s an interesting idea, I suppose we should get some.  I wonder if I can remind people I used to be in Brussels, maybe they’ll forget I tried so hard not to be.

So are you saying the government’s track record on the economy - which is its biggest propaganda call - false?  Ouch, this one hurts, I’ll just chuck him a one-liner “Ask the people out there” will sound nice.

Do you fear the people might ultimately vote for continuity, a ‘ safe’ government for the economy?  Have I been talking in my sleep or something – what do you think is one of my biggest fears?  I’ve got to get the house swept again, the klikka must have bugged it.  All I can do is waffle, and I’m even starting to bore myself.  I’ll tell him to look at our track record.

What track record? You’re in Opposition and you only get a track record when you’re put to the test.  Bugger, I didn’t think of that answer – time to wheel out the past, and when they shove it back in our faces, I’ll rely on the chorus-girls to screech that we’re living in the present.

What’s the first thing your government will do for the economy? Bingo, water and electricity diversion time.

Last November, you had told me you will divulge the plans on how to slash rates when the time is right. With an early election looking likely, is it the right time? Keep hoping, chummy, I’m not as stupid as some of my Lil’Elves sound.

‘When the time is right.’ When is the time right?  And now for one of my specials: “The time is right when it will be right.”   Hang on, is that an oxymoron?  No, it’s a statement of the bleedin’ obvious, so that’s ok then.

When? Weeks, months before the election?  Enough of this, shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Almost always, elections will also be fought on the strength of the leaders. Will your young age put you at a disadvantage with voters?  And your point is?  Stand by to be dazzled with a good dose of “me, me, me”, if Franco can do it, I can do it standing on my head, although he got better marks than me in Form Two.

What would you tell those voters who are saying the PL cannot guarantee the continuity they clamour? Now there’s a thought, people not thinking I’m the best thing since sliced bread.  How could they?  Back to the stability line, I like it.

And you are ready to govern. Gagging for it, matey, gagging for it.