Tackling the tent issue

Going to festivals is great fun, until you find yourself on day three, completely lacking in sleep because of overzealous festival-goers who stay up all night to party, only to return at six in the morning, drunk with a bit more than fatigue, and fall over your tent, make noise and generally disturb your slumber.

Techniques to avoid this mainly boil down to the positioning of your tent.

Avoid arriving late when all the best places will have been taken and when you will have no choice but to squeeze your tent in between, and possibly too close for comfort, to others’ temporary homes.

Planning your festival experience with a dose of humour is crucial. Photos: PA

Finding a faraway spot that isn’t too far to walk from the main arena, where you can at least get some sleep, is key. Also consider staying away from the main thoroughfares, which will quickly become mud flats.

Alternatively – just don’t sleep.

Resisting riotous revellers

Even the calmest of specimens can turn into rampant rioters or pushy pop peddlers at a music festival.

I will never forget the forceful woman who practically pushed me over at a Coldplay (yes, sugarcandy Coldplay) concert.

Things can get tricky and violent when fans want to be as close as possible to their music idols.

While simply laying low (not literally as we don’t want any stampeding accidents) by avoiding priority areas in the front of the crowd is a solution other options can include wearing a spacesuit.

While you may find yourself the object of much attention, and possibly even signing autographs, the spacesuit will keep you protected from pinching and pushing revellers.

Be warned that this has not yet been tested and overheating may be just one of the negative side effects.

Shifting the shower shenanigans

Many inexperienced festival attendees find themselves spending a good amount of time queuing for hours for a refreshing shower, which could have been better spent plaiting their hair with plastic flowers or painting their faces with intricate designs of fairies, elves and gnomes.

Such queuing often means you have to spend ungodly standing hours in the sun, enduring odours of those who need a shower more desperately than you do. While simply ditching washing for the entire duration of your festival time is indeed an option (halfway measures include taking a catlick using soap and water, or more minimal still, using a hand sanitiser that does not need water) another solution is to go at off-peak hours.

People tend to shower in the morning so try lunchtime or early afternoons.

Evil solutions also exist but I am not allowed to share them here.

Dealing with despair

The cancellation of the Foo Fighters at Glastonbury in June and of subsequent appointments this summer due to David Grohl’s taking the idiom ‘break a leg’ too literally would have left many fans devastated, despondent, and, dare I say it, distraught.

While a spokesperson for the band confirmed full refunds on tickets before the festival began, sadly those travelling from afar were not reimbursed for travel fares.

Sadly, accidents do happen and sometimes bands have to cancel performances.

A solution to avoiding getting down in the dumps about this is to think positive.

You’ve still got a whole festival to go to so make the most of it – and you may even find a great new band instead.

After all, Florence + the Machine certainly stepped up to fill those mighty shoes.

Regaining touch with reality

Attending festivals can be such an enthralling experience that it sucks you into its world of prancing fawns, mesmerising music, ambrosian apple juices and hemp dresses so deeply that venturing back into the real world of text books, traffic lights and – eurgh – suits, can be a deeply traumatic experience.

Overcoming this issue can be tricky and there are more than a few stories of people who have remained forever in Festival Fantasy, as witnesses call it.

They dress like fairytale characters all year round, singing snippets of their favourite songs the whole day and do nothing but count the days to the next festival.

While most of us emerge out of Festival Fantasy within a few hours or days, some need a bit more help.

Solutions have included reading the newspaper, setting foot in the office or asking your friend, or anyone in the street, to shout you back to reality.