One of the topics on the agenda of the Synod on the Family will be marriage preparation. When I met and presented him with my two books on the subject, Pope Francis told me: “You must have been the very first to start marriage preparation courses. At the time no one provided such preparation.” He then asked if he could keep the books.
Marriage preparation in Malta started in the early 1950s. A four-day course was held in Sliema, and couples came from all over the island. This was the first seed of the Cana Movement.
For several decades the course was not obligatory, but about 90 per cent of the couples attended voluntarily. Today, when “so many marriages are vulnerable”, as Pope Francis affirmed recently, and St John Paul II in Familiaris Consortio wrote, “Catholic marriages are also subject to crisis”, getting married in Church is a big responsibility.
Yet the marriage ceremony has become a social lavish show, while the meaning of the Sacrament of Matrimony is taken for granted. To top it all there is often a lack of psychological maturity and of faith, which today nullifies a large percentage of marriages.
I often meet couples who have not been to Mass since their First Holy Communion. However, they insist on having a Church wedding. As priests we should refuse such marriages and I have advised various people to go for a civil wedding instead.
To prevent this complex situation, the Church today takes marriage preparation very seriously. The Synod will show that this is not just ‘a must’ imposed by the Church, but a precious investment and resource to build a happy Christian family ‘on rock’.
Many couples come to the courses half-heartedly, convinced that there is nothing to learn. Pope Francis said: “Marriage preparation is a special experience of a need. We see many couples, who come to a course against their will. Afterwards they are satisfied and thank us, because they have found the occasion – often unique – so as to reflect their living experience in a serious manner. Yes, many couples stay together for quite a time, even in intimacy, at times already living together, but they do not know each other in depth.”
I often meet couples who have not been to Mass since their First Holy Communion that insist on a Church wedding. As priests we should refuse
This too is my experience since the start of Cana. When we set out, many were hostile and a little scandalised. It took many decades for the Church to share this vision. For a long time, marriage was the Cinderella of the sacraments.
A couple that goes into marriage without sound preparation runs a great risk. Often marriages fail because they are built on sand. One of the most common causes of marriage breakdowns (even after a few months) is the lack of deep spiritual, psychological and ethical preparation. Marriage preparation should start during courtship and should continue as a journey till the wedding day.
It is also true that often it is difficult to satisfy couples’ expectations in a secularised and pluralist society. Often they come from varied backgrounds, culture and religious foundation due to superficial religious education.
Some expect too much and others need deeper preparation, which is why Archbishop Charles Scicluna advised that “there should be alternative courses”. In fact, these do exist in the 27 Cana centres, which also include University. What is important is that these courses should be accredited by the Cana Movement.
When he was the movement’s director, Fr Joe Mizzi wrote an excellent manual with work sheets for marriage preparation. This elegant manual covers a wide range of topics, including self knowledge, communication, problem solving, sexuality and procreation, the sacrament of marriage and how to build a life commitment partnership.
The Cana Movement, in its ‘long walk with couples’, considers as essential the counselling services held with each couple before marriage. Cana today relies on a team of counsellors trained at London’s Tavistock Clinic. I also found effective the process of married couples ‘adopting’ engaged couples, by sharing their home, meals and experiences.
Couples need courage for this life commitment. They are often discouraged by the many separations and the anti-marriage mentality. As the saying goes, ‘more noise is made by a falling tree, than by a growing forest’.
Marriage preparation should also cover the meaning of the ceremony, which is more important than the dress, the flowers, the music and the red carpet.
What it should not be is a talking shop, but a dynamic encounter with others to know oneself, to trust each other, and above all, to pray for fulfilment. These are the foundation pillars to help couples to face the adventure of marriage with high hopes of success.
After the Synod, the English bishops will publish a set of guidelines on marriage preparation. It is hoped that these will help the Cana Movement.
Mgr Charles Vella is the founder of the Cana Movement.