“Who are you going to vote for?”

Should we have an independent nuclear capability?

“In the Eurovision Song Contest?”

“No stupid, in the upcoming general election.”

“Ooh I dunno, I haven’t thought much about it, what about you?”

“Me?... Labour, same as always. Anyway, we need a change.”

“Why?”

“Well... because we do. I mean the other lot have been there for... ooh, seems like 50 years or more, so yeah, we need a change.”

“Oh.”

“So why don’t you vote for ‘Jo-zeff’ Muscat?”

“Ooh no, I could never vote for him.”

“Why not?”

“’Cos the top of his head looks like a threadbare carpet.”

“What about the other one then... wassisname Gonzi?”

“Naar, his eyes are too close together... and his nose is too big. So I could never like him.”

“Well that’s both your options down the tubes.”

“Though I quite like the little chap who’s Gonzi’s secretary.”

“Secretary?”

“Yeah, Simon something... with the baby face and the floppy hair, I quite like him.”

“That’s not his secretary.”

“Oh, I thought it was. You always see him nearby, carrying his boss’s case and stuff.”

“You mean Simon whatsit... he’s their deputy leader.”

“Oh is he? Well I quite like him.”

“What do you mean you... like... him?”

“Well... I just... like him.”

“I shouldn’t bother. What about the greens?”

“The what?”

“The greens.”

“What’s greens got to do with it. You know how much I hate cabbage, I only really like frozen peas... oh and French beans sometimes.”

“No, the greens, the green party. They’ve got a few candidates standing. Though I can’t think why they bother.”

“Are there any likeable candidates among them?”

“How would I know, they have about as much chance of getting anyone elected as the Malta football team has of winning the World Cup.”

“Hmm, why are they, these greens xiħaġa, contesting then?”

“Search me. Anyway, you shouldn’t be concerning yourself about them. There aren’t enough of them. You should be contemplating issues.”

“Issues, what issues?”

“You know... policy and stuff.”

“Oh... like what?”

“Like... well, the rising cost of utilities... electricity and water – and how our lot would bring the costs right down to almost nothing. Then there’s the failure of this Government to deliver on its promises last time. Also, should we dig a tunnel from Malta to Gozo?”

“Ooh I wouldn’t want that, you know how I get in enclosed spaces.”

“When was the last time you were in Gozo?”

“When I went with my nanna in 1978.”

“So I don’t think it should concern you too much, eh?”

“What else?”

“Erm... should all our school-kids have tablets.”

“Tablets? Haven’t we got enough problems with drugs already?”

“Not those sort of tablets, I mean... oh never mind. You have to vote for the party with the best policies.”

“Well, which is it... policies or issues?”

“Both... stuff like, what will the party of your choice do about fuelling the new power station? Should we have an independent nuclear capability? Should Malta apply to stage the 2024 summer Olympics? Should we consider granting Gozo independence?

Might we offer Berlusconi access to the Prime Minister’s summer residence, Girgenti Palace, for some of his parties? Important issues like those.”

“Oh.”

“So... does that convince you to vote for Jo-zeff and his lot?”

“Naar, I still like that Simon... whatsit.”

“I see, I see. So it’s never mind the vital issues of the day; to hell with the iniquities of the outgoing government. Do you realise that if you vote for him... your worthless, unconsidered vote will cancel out my rationally reasoned one?”

“I never said I was going to vote for him...”

“So who are you going to vote for?”

“None of them. I’d sooner stay home here and watch TV.”

“Give me strength!”