Case to be heard in the First Hall of the Criminal Court. Before Magistrate Maurizio Fiorello Sant:
On being asked by the magistrate whether she had herself observed this lap dancing in action, Ms Santorini Grech replied: ‘Heaven forbid!’
The police versus Mr Effie Debono Crampton:
Mr Debono Crampton is accused of running a premises – namely the nightclub Bazoomahs in Paceville – and permitting both nudity and lewd acts to be carried out therein.
Mr Debono Crampton pleaded: Not guilty.
First to the witness stand was Police Sergeant Michael Fsadni Clark, to put the case for the prosecution.
He told the court that at 11.20pm on July 10, 2012, a call was received at the St Julian’s police station, from a certain Ms Muriel Santorini Grech, 51.
This lady complained that at that precise time, she had been informed that a lewd and therefore illegal act was being performed in public at the Bazoomahs nightclub in Paceville.
In response to this call, Sgt Fsadni Clark, accompanied by Constable Kevin Abela Wort, 21, proceeded to said Bazoomahs nightclub in Paceville, with the express intention of investigating the complaint.
Upon arriving at Bazoomahs, both Sgt Fsadni Clark and Constable Abela Wort observed a young person of the female persuasion, later identified as Doris Plankton Borg, aka Fifi La Grope, sitting astride one of the club’s male customers. At the time, Ms La Grope was naked, and indeed nude from the waist up, exposing her bared chest for all present to bear witness... to.
The sergeant approached the young lady concerned and requested her to desist from, what he assumed was, a full-frontal assault on the male customer’s person and to put on her brasiere.
In reply, Ms Plankton Borg said that this was what she did for a living and what she was paid to do, so the sergeant could get ******* (a word better left unsaid).
On enquiring just who it was that issued such a payment, the lady implicated Mr Effie Debono Crampton.
After hearing this, the sergeant ordered Mr Debono Crampton, who was present on the premises, to close the establishment forthwith. A police citation was later issued in the name of Mr Debono Crampton.
Next onto the witness stand was Ms Muriel Santorini Grech. She informed the court that she made the complaint on the behalf of the morality pressure group: Prudes Opposed to Rampant Nudity (PORN).
Word had reached the group that lewd, vile and filthy acts were being perpetrated, in the name of something called lap dancing, at Bazoomahs nightclub in Paceville. On the night in question, Ms Santorini Grech had indeed made the phone call, on an anonymous tip-off that initiated the police enquiry and resulted in the arraignment of the accused.
On being asked by the magistrate whether she had herself observed this lap dancing in action, Ms Santorini Grech replied: “Heaven forbid!”
Dr Victor Pasquale Hernandez – appearing for Mr Debono Crampton – then made his client’s plea to the court.
He stated that, since his client had an up-to-date police licence to run his business as a gentlemens’ club, he was acting within the law – and therefore the case against him should be dismissed forthwith.
At this point, Magistrate Fiorello Sant interrupted the proceedings to state that he had heard enough and that he totally agreed with Dr Pasquale Fernandez that, in his opinion and, more importantly, in that of the law, no laws had been broken and Mr Debono Crampton had been operating his establishment within the parameters of his legal police licence.
As for Ms Fifi La Grope, she had been correct – nay diligent in performing her duties as she was required to do by her employer. Magistrate Fiorello Sant therefore said he failed to see what all the fuss was about and dismissed the case forthwith.
And – in a rider to this particular case – he asked Mr Debono Crampton to approach the bench, where he enquired of him precisely which street in Paceville did Bazoomahs nightclub reside, how much did a membership cost and... what was the parking like thereabouts?