Bad news indeed, this Super 5 price rise. We woke up on Sunday to find that the €1.50 ticket had gone up to €2. That is quite a blow if, say, you spend €31.50 every week on a seven-number ticket, like the woman who complained to The Sunday Times.

Sod the Super 5 ticket. If you win, it’s a headache, if you lose, you’re €2 poorer every time- Kristina Chetcuti

Tsk, tsk, she’ll now have to fork out €42 every week. “I’ve been playing my Super 5 numbers for almost 20 years. What am I supposed to do, just stop? Of course I’ll keep on playing,” she said. Of course.

The only thing is that if this determined woman had, in 1992, bought a little piggy bank and instead saved up all the money, she would today have something like €35,000 in her kitty.

But we are only human and we all have a little movie in our mind, of us watching the lottery draw on television, and Eileen Montesin, or whoever is it that draws the balls these days, reads out the numbers.

The wishful-thinking movie script goes like this: you look at the numbers on the screen and then at your ticket, and someone next to you (it’s got to be someone else – it can’t be you) will shout: “Hey! That’s yours! You won! Waah! We’re rich! Let’s phone up the entire world!”

In fact, we all have plans of what we’d do if we won the lottery. Very boring plans unfortunately. There were times when we could sit around and fantasise about buying islands, houses with pools and round-the-world trips. Now, no more. We all say the same thing: with the winning money we’d pay off the loan.

But surely, there’s bound to be some loose change left over. And how would I spend that those few extra coins?

I could perhaps have all my shirt cuffs embroidered, in pale blue, with my initials – KIC – in italics, in manner of RCC. Or I could buy a stack of designer shirts, say Polo Ralph Lauren ones. But, alas, these have become an overnight no-no.

It was certainly a bad week for Polo Ralph Lauren stockists in Malta because (1) if you have a Ralph Lauren polo T-shirt, all your friends will snigger and point and say “Franco Debono”, and (2) Austin Gatt and a trail of other PN politicians were also spotted wearing the brand – with the de rigeur popped up collars – on the same day.

So the brand which has, for decades, in our middle-class minds paid homage to activities enjoyed by the affluent – sailing, skiing and, of course, polo – has suddenly been reduced to something that is worn by smarmy politicians with pudgy hands which they use to wave at everyone, at every opportunity.

So, no. I think I’d be better off investing my bit of extra Super 5 money in something else. And I’m suddenly feeling inspired by JPO. If I win the lottery I could do with someone to safeguard my wellbeing. Such as two bodyguards. To walk behind me.

We’d practise a bit of a walk and a swagger, so when seen walking from afar, we’re a trio of synchronisation. They’d have to be double my height so there’s a certain symmetry to the movement. But actually, come to think of it, these tend to come for free – so I won’t even need to spend any of my dosh.

I could, I suppose, just save the money in the bank till I decided what to do with the extra money, but even that is not commendable, after the HSBC shocker last week. We learnt that the bank was pretty much the plush headquarters of drug lords – feasting on our money.

So I ask: what’s the point of playing Super 5 if we can no longer trust banks to stack our winnings while we mull and plan?

What are we meant to do with the money? Stash it under the bathroom tile? Bad idea according to Slate magazine, which sent one of its correspondents to have a chat with a burglar about the best places to hide money.

The anonymous robber said that the bathroom is the first port of call for a burglar. “I will also search boxes of tampons, toilet paper rolls, potpourri and any wobbly tiles,” he said.

Just in case you’re thinking about hiding your money envelopes in cereal boxes, fridges and freezers, medicine cabinets, under the bed and or in the pillow – don’t. Burglars love these spots apparently.

So I can only come up with one solution. Sod the Super 5 ticket. If you win, it’s a headache, if you lose, you’re €2 poorer every time.

Better spend it on a coffee on a friend and enjoy your (little) money as it flows in.

krischetcuti@gmail.com