“So George, what happens now?”

I hate physical abuse... especially when it’s me that’s getting abused

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve agreed we want one, a divorce... right?”

“Absolutely.”

“So... what’s the next step?”

“Erm... we, yeah, we inform our separate lawyers and tell them to get on with arranging it.”

“And that’s it?”

“More or less. Of course we’ve got to tell them on what grounds we’re suing for divorce.”

“Grounds?”

“Yeah, we get a choice.”

“Like?”

“Ooh erm, let me see now... yeah, there’s mental abuse.”

“Ooh no, I don’t fancy that. Anyway you’re just a man, so you’re not bright enough to mentally do anything... let alone abuse.”

“Touche! OK then there’s desertion.”

“How’s that work?”

“That’s like if I bugger off and leave you on your own for a while.”

“Ooh no, take far too long. Got any better ones?”

“How about... unnatural behaviour?”

“How does that go?”

“Well, say you caught me... erm, engaging in friendly relations with one of your Uncle Philip’s goats?”

“That would be unnatural behaviour?”

“Erm... yeah.”

“Rubbish; Uncle Philip’s been doing the same thing for years and nobody back home thinks it’s unnatural.”

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t though, does it?”

“Course it does... and anyway, you never saw his wife... Aunty Lina, did you? I can assure you... one of his goats was a much better prospect. Any more options?”

“What... oh right. Well you could go for extreme physical abuse.”

“Ooh no thanks, I hate physical abuse... especially when it’s me that’s getting abused. Are we running out of options?”

“Pretty nearly. Oh I don’t think I mentioned adultery.”

“That surprises me, since you are an expert in the subject.”

“Shall we plump for that one then?”

“That’s a different matter. I don’t fancy coming into contact with your floozies in court, especially that ghastly creature Velma Tanti-Borg.”

“Let’s leave Velma out of this.”

“Nothing would give me more pleasure. Got any more grounds?”

“There’s always non-consummation, but I ruled that out very early on.”

“Oh why? That sounds like one I’d really like.”

“Don’t be ridiculous woman; with five kids and a bun in the oven? Purleez!”

“The bun – as you call it – isn’t yours.”

“I’ve only got your word for that.”

“And anyway I don’t see why we can’t get a divorce on the grounds of non-consummation, my Uncle Dennis did – and he and Aunty Rita had seven children from their marriage.”

“He didn’t get a divorce, he got an annulment – and that was then... this is now. Besides, your Uncle Dennis was loaded and he could afford to pay the powers-that-be, back in the days when such things were fairly common-place. Stuff like well brought-up girls who used to take long ‘holidays’ in Gozo. You remember, they’d leave weighing 11 stone and return weighing just eight. Most miraculous slimming cure ever invented... ahem.”

“So it looks like it’s gotta be adultery then, does it?”

“Yep.”

“Seems like the only option, unless it means me having to confront that ghastly Velma woman in court.”

“I thought we’d agreed not to involve Velma, makes things rather sordid; after all, she is your first cousin.”

“She’s also yours, which makes it even tackier.”

“Ahem, yes, well... moving quickly on... we’re at least agreed on one thing then.”

“Are we, what’s that?”

“We’re agreed to proceed with the divorce petition on the grounds of adultery, right?”

“If you say so.”

“Which means that the next thing to agree is whose?”

“Whose what?”

“Whose adultery, mine or yours?”

“Well, yours, of course... mine was much more discreet.”

“OK, so all you’ve got to do is to instruct your lawyer accordingly.”

“He’ll want to know who you’ve been having it off with behind my back. Are you going to give me a list?”

“List? God no... anyway, it only happened once – OK twice... alright maybe a few more times. But just a few names should satisfy him.”

“They certainly didn’t satisfy you, that’s for sure. So when do I get this... list?”

“I’ll work on it today and erm... get back to you. Oh and yeah, I nearly forgot.”

“What?”

“Happy anniversary.”