Archbishop Emeritus Paul Cremona refuted popular belief that he is suffering from depression or mental health problems, insisting his ailments boiled down to sheer exhaustion.

Speaking frankly for the first time about health problems that have dogged him since 2012, Mgr Cremona quashed reports that he had ever been clinically diagnosed with a mental disorder.

“No, it wasn’t depression. I had worked too much. I had been forewarned I would burn out. I hadn’t taken a day off in the first five years; I just kept going, but at a certain point I succumbed to exhaustion,” he told The Sunday Times of Malta.

In his first wide-ranging interview since resigning two months ago, Mgr Cremona, 68, set the record straight and said the stress had weighed down on him, becoming too much to bear.

Lapping the winter sun’s rays beneath a gazebo at the garden of his Attard residence, Mgr Cremona spoke about how serene he felt after taking the decision.

With the Christmas festivities occupying most of his time and thoughts, he was looking forward to returning to the Dominican community in Rabat after the New Year and once again being called “Patri Pawl”.

“The sense of lethargy was pressing on my conscience; I felt I didn’t have the energy to be creative... I felt I had achieved what I set out to do, but I was lacking imagination,” he said.

‘Exhausted’ Archbishop Emeritus says he never took a day off in 5 years

“You can ill-afford to be tired when running a Church. When I realised I was lacking the energy to be creative, it was not right to remain there,” he said.

When the debilitating fatigue set in, Mgr Cremona sought refuge in Gozo. The rest helped but then a problem would arise and he would relapse; a sense of helplessness would settle in.

It took him two years to recover, despite attempts to rest – “how can you rest when you’re running a Church. The expectations are high”.

Talk of the Archbishop’s exit was first mooted in 2012 when Mgr Cremona became unwell and he has admitted this was when he had the first inkling of what he should do.

I burdened myself with the problems I faced yesterday and the day before, instead of letting them go. I’d restlessly mull over them

It resurfaced last August when Fr Joe Borg, a media specialist, wrote in his The Sunday Times of Malta column that the Church’s leadership was in crisis; a sentiment echoed by numerous other clergy that “accelerated” his departure.

Did the public criticism from those so close to him – including Fr René Camilleri and Fr Joe Inguanez – hurt?

“No. I accepted it... it would be naive to think you’d be spared criticism because you’re the Archbishop... It’s impossible; you’re a public figure.”

He said the day after Fr Borg’s article appeared he had invited all three priests to his residence where they debated the situation in a civil way.

“I don’t hold grudges and I didn’t take it to heart. If I had been offended I wouldn’t have invited them to discuss; I would have summoned them. We just spoke honestly and shared our ideas,” he said.

By then he already knew there was no way he would run the course of his term – he had six years left.

The decision was not an easy one and it led to Mgr Cremona becoming the first head of the Church in Malta to step down before retirement age since the 19th century. The process to select a new archbishop is still ongoing.

Asked if he felt the criticism was justified, Mgr Cremona said it was hard to say and while some of it was merited, in certain cases it was unwarranted, including the accusation that nothing had changed since he took over in 2007.

“Suffice to say I had visited 67 parishes over five years; I sometimes had four meetings a day and I never took a day off. That was a mistake on my part,” he said.

“There were some issues where criticism was fair, which is what accelerated my resignation. People wanted more vigour and it was something I too felt was lacking.”

Reflecting on whether Pope Benedict’s decision to step down made his choice easier, the soft-spoken monsignor shrugged off the suggestion that his choice required the same “colossal strength”.

“The reasons why we stepped down are similar. But what edified me was his courage to do it.”

During his tenure, Mgr Cremona was often criticised for keeping a low profile, but in an interview with this newspaper in 2010 he had said: “I am not authoritarian and it is a great challenge for me whenever I have to impose a decision. I prefer dialogue. I am a person who listens to people.”

Did these characteristics lead to the general frustration?

“It’s my character. One thing that pains me the most is when I hurt somebody... it would prick my conscience and I’d want to reach out and make amends the next day.

“I burdened myself with the problems I faced yesterday and the day before, instead of letting them go. I’d restlessly mull over them, wondering if I had taken the right decision or if I had been too hard with somebody.

“My downfall was my conscience telling me I didn’t have enough strength. I don’t think my character was my downfall. I hold no grudges against anybody.”

He was often troubled by situations where he set out to do something with good intentions but these may not always be interpreted well.

Mgr Cremona also believed his gentle nature was often confused with being soft.

“I believe in dialogue. I don’t have a problem facing people and discussing issues face to face, even if it’s something we disagree with. Dialogue is a bridge between being authoritarian and being too soft,” he said.

In the same 2010 interview, Mgr Cremona had also been asked if he was running the show; a question that has dogged him for years as many wondered if the real archbishop was actually the pro-vicar general, Mgr Anton Gouder. It was widely believed that Mgr Cremona had surrounded himself with people who hindered him from forging ahead and implementing the desired changes.

However, Mgr Cremona is keen to dispel this perception insisting that Mgr Gouder had been unjustly labelled as “the bad guy” because he was blunt, while he instead tried to soften the edges.

Mgr Cremona spoke about how the two of them often played good cop, bad cop, and the reality was that Mgr Gouder had unfortunately gained an unfair reputation.

“He was of tremendous help to me. He never tried to hinder me or my work and whenever we disagreed he would tell me you’re the Archbishop, you have the final word,” he said.

Reflecting on the time when he was first chosen to become Archbishop, Mgr Cremona gave a resigned smile and insisted this position was never part of his life plan; he had simply obeyed.

“At the time nobody was mentioning my name. Children ask me: ‘What do you need to do to become an Archbishop?’ I tell them, ‘nothing’; you’ll simply be quietly going about your life when the Nuncio calls you to inform you the Pope wants you to become Archbishop.

“I asked for 24 hours to think about it. You cannot tell the Pope no. There are no maybes. I never had the desire to become an Archbishop – absolutely not!”

Asked why he felt he had been chosen, Mgr Cremona said he had no idea and no desire to know.

“All I can say is I didn’t sleep for three days. Then I reasoned that this wasn’t my choice so if it was a bad one it was not my fault, it was theirs... that’s what helped me come to terms with it.”