Divorce – Not Really Important?

The other day, one of those know-it-alls was holding court in the middle of the supermarket aisle.

Her trolley was piled high with merchandise that would make a nutritionist roll her eyes in despair... cereals, sweets, frozen pizza, ice-cream, sweetened yoghurts, chocolate drinks, and so forth.

"Look!" she was telling her coterie of friends – "I have to show them that when that mother of theirs files for divorce, they will not be missing anything from me. Even if my son decides to live in the Marsaxlokk flat so that it will be easier for him to get to work, I will insist that she brings them over to visit."

This woman did not even realise that she was making a fool of herself – and that she was merely upping the ante on the usual mother-in-law ruses. It was evident, anyway, that there was no love lost between herself and son's apparently soon-to-be-ex-wife.

Lawyers, especially those who specialise in family law, know full well that somewhere along the line, mothers-in-law sometimes feature in court cases for annulments, legal separations, and now, even divorce applications.

Each of us knows at least one person who is constantly at daggers drawn with the parent(s) of her partner, even if she is not married. This is because she has "stolen" the boy.

There are also adults who have never married because each time they looked set to o it, one or other sets of parents came up with a glitch (even a pretend serious illness) that made this "not feasible". This was effective in keeping "outsiders" away.

It is hard to realise that even nowadays there are siblings who "expect" one of them to remain at home and look after the parents – with the legally-binding promise that they will renounce their inheritance in their favour.

Is this typically insular or parochial? Is it typically Mediterranean, or Maltese? Or is it just selfish?

Those of us with children who are married may be the aforementioned type – or else, we may be the few who have sworn not to be as we have been done by. For some reason, mothers of women in relationships seem to think that their daughters can do no wrong – whereas the mothers of sons generally think that their boys are being hard-done by.

Look at it this way; your prospective mother-in-law shows you stuff she would have bought for her daughters; children. This stops however, when you have your own... could it be that she does not buy them anything any more, or is it that she now does so anyway, but "so as not to hurt you", does it behind your back.

If you decide to work outside the home, and her daughters don't – well, then, you are not being "a proper woman" (whatever that means); if the opposite is true, "you are not doing your part" (whatever that means, too.

Unfortunately, it is tough for us, as the mothers of adults, to learn how to let go of them because they have their own lives to live – or to welcome current boyfriends and girlfriends into the family without reservations.

There are the insidious comments (sometimes when the nonfamily partner is not there) – and, when there are children, there is also the danger that these may be used as ammunition.

Why is it that some of the grandchildren are always lauded for any minor achievement, whereas others are always also-rans, even if they place well in international competitions?

It is pathetic to see the back-biting that goes on in some instances. In Malta, where most of us know not only the family of our children's partners, but their extended family too, this is often used as a weapon to the point that sometimes it spirals out of control.

We know that children tend to get used to the fact that grandparents spoil them rotten, and allow them treats and behaviour that would not be allowed at their parents' home. This attitude is sometimes reinforced by the words "... but don't tell your parents..." when it comes to watching television all morning, or lunching on junk food, when the grandparents are baby-sitting. This is teaching a child to be devious, and to lie.

This happens because "It's my house and I make the rules here" – and thus, the self-discipline parents have done so hard to instil in the child is effectively undermined. And if the other set of grandparents does the right thing and adheres to the requirements of the parents, the chances are that the children might prefer the more lenient of the two.

A grandparent knows that she might be doing the parent(s) a favour by child-sitting. Yet this does not entitle her to belittle one of the parents, or pass inappropriate comments about the child's home life situation. Just because you are helping out, you should not assume it is your right to usurp the parents' role, and to boast with all and sundry that you are "bringing up the child" yourself... even if it is more or less true. Are you doing this to show off, or to help?

Grandparents must never, ever, use the children of their children to get back at ex-partners – whether the couple is estranged, separated, divorced, or has had the marriage annulled by the State or by the Church.