"You cannot just stop loving a person because he no longer loves you, yet, on the other hand I know that my self-dignity would never take him back even if he ever regretted his decisions."

Angela* is currently in the process of separating from her husband. They were together for 12 years and married for nearly six. They have one three-year-old child. According to Angela, her husband now "leads his own separate life".

Answering the questions put to her by her daughter is proving hard for Angela. In fact, she is still seeing a counsellor as sometimes she simply does not know how to answer her questions:

"I try to explain details that she understands. She is coping extremely well and knows we are not a ‘normal' family. She is a very happy and sociable child; she loves school, and has always ate and slept well. She loves her daddy very much. She sometimes tells her dad ‘you have to love my mummy'."

Although her daughter's father is involved in her life, Angela says that, unlike her, his newly-rediscovered single status has resulted in him spending less time with his daughter.

"Her dad will occasionally ask to take her for a morning on a weekend. This does not happen much, but I try to encourage him to spend time with her. Yet he is ‘busy' with his new lifestyle.

On a positive note, I have finally found myself again. I appreciate my family and friends more than I have ever done before. I know I am a great mother and I am blessed. I do not look at my ex with resentment, I look at him as the father of my beautiful child and I am grateful. If I had the choice to do it all again, I would. The pain was definitely worth it and I have the greatest gift of all - my very own little princess," she smiles.

This ‘positive' side of separation is one which hits home with Sarah* who split up with her then-husband half way through her pregnancy three years ago.

They had been married for less than a year and together for three. They now have a girl, Thea*. "Frankly I am fed up with reading articles and listening to people going on about the trauma flung upon kids when their parents separate. Yes, of course, it's a trauma, but isn't it more of a trauma for kids to live day in day out with a couple who fervently hate each other's guts or worse, are totally indifferent to each other?" she asks fervently. Thea has never lived in the same house as both her parents, so she cannot compare the two ways of living.

"She knows her mum and dad live in different houses and that she lives with her mum, but other than that she has a good relationship with both of us and doesn't feel different to other kids. Children are very flexible and adapt easily to any kind of situation. Kids are fine as long as they have a primary carer parent who is a constant in their life."

For Nicola* who has a nine-year- old son with her ex, the biggest problem arising from the separation is that she worries that he is losing out by not having the constant presence of a man around: "He is a boy and he does need a man in his life. At the moment, he usually spends Sunday afternoon with his dad. At times the situation is not good on him... I know that deep down he wants us back together as a ‘normal' family and that he'd like his father to hang out with him more often." When Nicola and her ex separated, their son was still very young, so it was difficult for her to explain the situation to him.

"I'm afraid I lied at the beginning and said his dad was away because he was working a lot. But when he was around four, I explained that we didn't feel the same about each other any more, but we both still loved him. Life goes on I guess. At first it is shocking, isolating. Financially it's a massive migraine but you get over the initial shock and just keep going," she says.

Nicola is lucky in that she and her husband separated on good terms. However, at times this is not possible, particularly if there has been a history of abuse within the marriage.

Monica* is living proof of this. She and her husband were married for four years and together for nine. They have two girls; one is seven and the other three. They are currently going through the separation process.

"When I told the kids that mummy and daddy were getting separated, the eldest screamed with joy. She couldn't wait to leave. It sounds crazy but she'd seen and heard enough. The little one couldn't really be bothered. The children love their father but have always been uncomfortable with our situation," she admits.

The transition from "married" to "separated" was easy to explain to the children, according to Monica:

"I didn't have to tell the eldest anything. My husband was physically, verbally and mentally abusive in front of the kids. The little one is only three so I couldn't really explain much. I just told her we'd be moving into another house without daddy and that he'd come for her to take her out. They were both very happy in their new house from the very first night."

For Monica, there was no question of staying together "for the kids". She says her children are definitely better off this way.

"I spent most of my married life trying to escape reality by putting aside all of the fights and portraying a perfect family picture. In time, I realised I was only confusing my children, as one day we'd all be laughing away on a family picnic and the next their dad would be insulting me and threatening to kill me. I'm embarrassed to say it took me so long to make up my mind but I suddenly realised I was ruining my children's childhood," she says.

Now, she says, the children's outlook on life has completely changed: "I cannot say that every day with their dad was bad because I'd be lying, but even when times were good the children were never really as happy as they are now. Looking back I recognise that they were nervous and unsure of how to behave because the slightest comment could trigger off a fight that would ruin everything. Since we've moved out, the children have become calmer and happier. They are more patient and tolerant with one another. They are more carefree and use a lot of imagination while playing with their toys; before they would only watch TV and go to bed early because "daddy had to watch the news".

Through the eyes of a child

Coryse Borg speaks to Julia* whose parents started separating when she was six. She is now in her early 20s.

How long have your parents been separated? How old were you when they separated?

My parents started separating on a regular basis when I was about six years old. My father would be asked to leave and would move in with my grandmother or in another of our flats. That was the normal routine. My parents would then meet and talk and sort things out. But they both knew that the marriage wasn't perfect, so it was a case of staying together "for the kids". Eventually, my father left and didn't come back. I was about 14. Two years later, they were legally separated. They had been married for 23 years.

How did you react when your parents told you that they were getting separated?

It was no surprise. My siblings and I knew it was for the better because we couldn't bear to see them so unhappy. It used to be very frustrating and confusing for us when dad would leave and then come back, because we couldn't understand why he didn't just stay away. By the end of it I told him: "this time, it's better if you don't come back".

How much of the "truth" did they tell you? How much did you "understand"?

I matured a lot from the whole experience. I began to be my mother's shoulder to cry on at the tender age of six. I understood everything. But I'm sure there are facts that happened that I'm not sure about. They both have their sides of the story, which is now closed and ended, and there is no use in opening it up again. My mother was honest with us; she used to tell us what he did that bugged her and upset her so much. My father didn't, because he felt the children should not have to face the burdens and problems of the parents. But I believe I knew enough.

Do you think you are better off now that your parents are living separately or before when they were living together, albeit unhappily?

I think every child would be better off living with separated parents, rather than those who fight a lot and are unhappy. I got to know my father better after my parents separated because he finally was himself and comfortable. My mother became relaxed and calm again... a side of her I hadn't ever seen! So I am definitely better off with them separated.

How well do you think you and your siblings have coped with the whole situation?

We've done pretty well. We often play the intermediaries between them because they are still connected financially and, of course, through us. Now that we are at an age where we are able to stand up to both of them and disagree and defend, it helps. I think we all turned the situation around and used it as a positive thing in our lives that made us mature and become stronger as individuals.

How difficult was it for you and your siblings when your parents got new partners?

My mother has never had another partner because she is off the whole idea of men and doesn't trust them anymore. My father has been with his partner for years, and we are now totally fine with it. In the beginning we didn't take it too well because we thought it was way too soon for him to be moving on.

He didn't tell us about it properly and had no problem in what he was doing. My father's partner knew my mother well before she got married, so we hated her for that at the time.

Today we accept her and them because we recognise that she has made him into a better, more family-oriented person.

Has your parents' separation coloured your views on love and marriage?

It has taught me that in a marriage you have to be friends, and you have to be able to communicate. The minute communication stops, you have a problem. I don't have a bad view on marriage just because my parents' failed.

My mother instilled a lot of family values in me so I still look forward to having a large family, because they help you through everything. You become a team.

The parents are individuals so it is up to them individually to teach you the values that shape you in the future.

Part-time daddy

When a marriage breaks up, it is the norm that the child's primary carer becomes the mother. She takes on most of the responsibilities and spends most time with him or her. But what is it like for the father who genuinely loves his child and finds himself in a very different situation from before? Charles* got married at 19 and has a nine-year old son. Now the child lives with his mother and sees Charles on weekends.

"Both of us were very young when we got married. When my wife and I separated, we had been married for just three and a half years. My son was only three and too young to rationally understand what was happening. His mother had ‘the talk' with him when it happened and there was no reaction at first.

"When we eventually all moved out of the house, he was very disappointed and I think that that was when it had really hit him. He did not stir up any drama, but he was clearly upset. He keeps mentioning the house until this very day. I think he associates family unity with it.

"When he was about five, I had had a long chat with him. I explained to him what had happened and that no matter what, he could count on both of us. I told him almost everything - in a language he could understand. I let him know he could ask whatever he wanted.

"Both his mother and I make it a point to be as open as possible with him and allow him to satisfy all his curiosities by asking us without hesitation. That said, it takes some convincing to get him to talk at times.

"Thankfully, my ex-wife and I separated on very amicable terms and because there is no tension or hang-ups, I think he is better off now. Because the fighting stopped once we split up, he lives in a more serene environment - despite the drawbacks of my lack of availability because we don't live in the same house.

"Having said that, if I ever am to remarry and have more children, I will do my best to ensure that this doesn't happen again. When I look at what separated friends and acquaintances have been through, I consider myself to be very lucky to have remained friends with my ex. Friends who have had post-separation complications ended up putting their children at great psychological risk. Mind you, we may have too, but it's a lot less traumatic once there is agreement between the parents.

"So far, he's coping very well. There is very little prejudice regarding children from broken families nowadays. A number of his teachers are separated, and a small number of classmates come from broken families. Up to four years ago, there were only three children with separated parents in his class, but the number keeps increasing. In any case, he doesn't consider himself unlucky, inappropriate or disadvantaged yet. However, he will have a lot of ammunition accumulated against us once he's in his rebellious teens and I'm dreading it."

Keeping it in the family

Family therapist Charlie Azzopardi has written three books on the topic of separation - Telling Your Child About Separation, Talking About Separation and Will They Still love me?. He gives some advice on how to handle this sensitive topic with young children.

"There are several things parents can do to make the transition from ‘married' to ‘separated' easier on their children. First they have to collaborate as parents.

They have to put the children's well-being first and think about the effect their behaviour and their

choices are having on the children.

"Parents have to avoid fighting in front of the children and settle their marital differences away from them. They have to offer children the possibility to talk about their concerns with them and with others, like school counsellors.

"Children don't like their parents to lie to them and they cannot understand when parents do. It's one thing saying ‘your father is a bastard and is sleeping around' or ‘your mother is a whore, she's got another man' (things I unfortunately often hear). But it's a completely different story telling your child ‘mum and I are finding it difficult to live together'. Just keep in mind that healthy children are those who continue to believe that their parents are good.

Once they lose this, children lose their innocence and will have to make up for it at different levels including emotionally, cognitively and behaviourally.

"Moreover, there is not one single or ultimate truth. Relationships are made of two people and therefore there are two different interpretations of the ‘truth'. So my advice is that parents should sit down together, discuss what is best to tell the child, how, and who is going to say what, and approach the child together in a matter-of-fact manner. Remember the truth doesn't exist. Only interpretations of it exist.

"Generally speaking, children of separated parents do have a different view of love which continues even in adulthood.

Research shows that children of the separated and divorced are more sceptical about intimate relationships generally and marriage in particular and find it more difficult to invest in intimate relationships.

"However, these differences highly depend on the quality of the separation. If parents separate before reaching a high conflict stage - including destructive behaviour such as fighting, shouting, calling names, denigratory statements about each other and so on - the child's idea of love, conflict and respect is not seriously damaged.

"Parental agreement is the best protective factor. The more the parents continue to collaborate in the parenting, the better the child's situation."

■Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors concerned.