I want to continue from last week to talk about change - that word you might have heard so many times from a partner, that word you might have promised so many times to yourself. The good news about change is that it is inevitable. Change happens without your effort to do so. In its automatic nature, though, change takes a haphazard direction, unguided and independent of the spirit. Deliberate change however is effortful, and requires basic prerequisites like awareness, motivation, and determination.
There are two types of people - those who believe that people can change and those who believe that people are destined by a fixed and scripted destiny, guided by a higher power. Somewhere in between are those like myself, who try to balance these extreme positions. Some things can change, and some others cannot.
What is it therefore that one can change? Obviously, one cannot change one's parents, one's history or one's genetic predispositions. However, one can choose what to do with one's history, parents and genetic predisposition. I may be genetically predisposed to heart attacks but I can choose to live a life-style which is likely to steer me away from heart attacks.
I personally believe that becoming a better person is possible, even though at times difficult. The possibility of change is God's richest gift to human beings. It is nature's acknowledgment of humanity's perfect imperfection. The possibility of change is therefore one's strongest sign of love to oneself and to others. Believing that you can change is another way of saying "I love you". My belief in change derives from having witnessed it. Drug addicts and junkies, alcoholics, thieves, assassins, anorexics, bulimics, depressed, naughty boys and girls, betraying and betrayed partners, I've seen them all changing. I've seen myself wilfully changing too into a man I never was before.
Because of its self deterministic nature, change's first step is therefore the belief that one can change, that people can change. Such a belief depends on many factors including one's background, experiences, temperament, and beliefs about self, others and life. Because change has to do with the future, depression also has its toll on one's belief about change. Those depressed often feel bleak about the future and believe that change is impossible. This is called helplessness and hopelessness.
Hope is therefore another necessary component for change to occur. It is the belief in the goodness of life. Hopelessness is highly implied in depression, suicide and the addictions. Without hope no directed change is possible. Instillation of hope is also a key therapeutic factor even in physical illness. It is therefore paramount for you to hope to change. Hope means trusting life and God, and that they will give you the opportunity to change.
Change also requires an unparalleled determination and will. Changing in the direction one chooses is like trying to steer a train away from its rails. The rails are one's normal patterns of living and they are carved on one's life. They represent the automatic direction of change rather than the willed and self-determined change. Tied on its rails the train might give you the sensation of freedom, difference and novelty. But when all the stations are exhausted there's only the same route to take day after day, time after time.
Determination is needed to engrave new rails in the map of your life, because change brings along a lot of anxieties and fears. These fears are a logical reaction of letting go of what is familiar to you. It is not easy to let go of a kind of behaviour, a recurring thought, or a feeling, when you have been experiencing them for a very long time. Just think about the way you shower. You always start from the same place and progress through the same ritual, every single day. Now try to change that. Try to create a new pattern of showering. Most of all try to stick to it.
However, determination requires awareness. Awareness means becoming conscious of life at different levels. Consciousness of oneself is important. How can you change if you are not aware of what it is to change? This awareness involves knowing your deepest self, your fears, your strengths, weaknesses, and who you are. Self awareness is knowing all that one can know about one's present reality as one experiences it.
Awareness of others and the world is crucial too. No man is an island and learning about oneself is also contingent on our relationship with others, dear or not to us. It is often the others that challenge us to the edge of self-discovery. It is the seeing oneself through the eyes and hearts of others. We don't exist outside a social sphere and therefore change is relative. One man asked me how to be a better man. I asked back, "Who do you want to be a better man for?" His reply was simple. "My wife wants to leave and I don't want to lose her." My reply was: "Go and ask her how she wants you to be different."
Some idealists still think that change is for oneself. People never change for themselves. They never change unless they are challenged to do so by others, or by some internal aspect of themselves, their history, or whatever. Change is always relative to an ideal, sometimes created by others, at other times created by oneself through others.
Change requires imagination too. One has to envision oneself in one's new skin, on one's new rails. This is essential for the construction of the new desired self. The power of imagination and fantasy cannot be undermined as it accounts for the shift from wishing and willing, to action and change. Without imagination one is like a ship without a planned destination, vulnerable to currents and ill-winds. Imagination helps you to become the captain on the ship of your life and take the lead towards becoming what you want to become.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
There are two types of people - those who believe that people can change and those who believe that people are destined by a fixed and scripted destiny, guided by a higher power. Somewhere in between are those like myself, who try to balance these extreme positions. Some things can change, and some others cannot.
What is it therefore that one can change? Obviously, one cannot change one's parents, one's history or one's genetic predispositions. However, one can choose what to do with one's history, parents and genetic predisposition. I may be genetically predisposed to heart attacks but I can choose to live a life-style which is likely to steer me away from heart attacks.
I personally believe that becoming a better person is possible, even though at times difficult. The possibility of change is God's richest gift to human beings. It is nature's acknowledgment of humanity's perfect imperfection. The possibility of change is therefore one's strongest sign of love to oneself and to others. Believing that you can change is another way of saying "I love you". My belief in change derives from having witnessed it. Drug addicts and junkies, alcoholics, thieves, assassins, anorexics, bulimics, depressed, naughty boys and girls, betraying and betrayed partners, I've seen them all changing. I've seen myself wilfully changing too into a man I never was before.
Because of its self deterministic nature, change's first step is therefore the belief that one can change, that people can change. Such a belief depends on many factors including one's background, experiences, temperament, and beliefs about self, others and life. Because change has to do with the future, depression also has its toll on one's belief about change. Those depressed often feel bleak about the future and believe that change is impossible. This is called helplessness and hopelessness.
Hope is therefore another necessary component for change to occur. It is the belief in the goodness of life. Hopelessness is highly implied in depression, suicide and the addictions. Without hope no directed change is possible. Instillation of hope is also a key therapeutic factor even in physical illness. It is therefore paramount for you to hope to change. Hope means trusting life and God, and that they will give you the opportunity to change.
Change also requires an unparalleled determination and will. Changing in the direction one chooses is like trying to steer a train away from its rails. The rails are one's normal patterns of living and they are carved on one's life. They represent the automatic direction of change rather than the willed and self-determined change. Tied on its rails the train might give you the sensation of freedom, difference and novelty. But when all the stations are exhausted there's only the same route to take day after day, time after time.
Determination is needed to engrave new rails in the map of your life, because change brings along a lot of anxieties and fears. These fears are a logical reaction of letting go of what is familiar to you. It is not easy to let go of a kind of behaviour, a recurring thought, or a feeling, when you have been experiencing them for a very long time. Just think about the way you shower. You always start from the same place and progress through the same ritual, every single day. Now try to change that. Try to create a new pattern of showering. Most of all try to stick to it.
However, determination requires awareness. Awareness means becoming conscious of life at different levels. Consciousness of oneself is important. How can you change if you are not aware of what it is to change? This awareness involves knowing your deepest self, your fears, your strengths, weaknesses, and who you are. Self awareness is knowing all that one can know about one's present reality as one experiences it.
Awareness of others and the world is crucial too. No man is an island and learning about oneself is also contingent on our relationship with others, dear or not to us. It is often the others that challenge us to the edge of self-discovery. It is the seeing oneself through the eyes and hearts of others. We don't exist outside a social sphere and therefore change is relative. One man asked me how to be a better man. I asked back, "Who do you want to be a better man for?" His reply was simple. "My wife wants to leave and I don't want to lose her." My reply was: "Go and ask her how she wants you to be different."
Some idealists still think that change is for oneself. People never change for themselves. They never change unless they are challenged to do so by others, or by some internal aspect of themselves, their history, or whatever. Change is always relative to an ideal, sometimes created by others, at other times created by oneself through others.
Change requires imagination too. One has to envision oneself in one's new skin, on one's new rails. This is essential for the construction of the new desired self. The power of imagination and fantasy cannot be undermined as it accounts for the shift from wishing and willing, to action and change. Without imagination one is like a ship without a planned destination, vulnerable to currents and ill-winds. Imagination helps you to become the captain on the ship of your life and take the lead towards becoming what you want to become.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.