Building self-confidence

Is there such a thing as the key to success? Call it by any other name, be it fate, trust or optimism, but self-confidence is the foundation stone of any upwardly mobile person.

Accentuate the positive

Whether you are starting your own business, applying for a job, are considering a change of career or simply keen to make the most of life, it makes sense to stop and take stock of your confidence rating. The good news is that no matter how little confidence you have at the moment, it can be increased.

The half-full glass

You can if you think you can, hence you can't if you think you can't! Self-confidence is one of the most vital - how shall we define it - skills, or beliefs that anyone can have.

That last sentence has the self-confidence challenge in a nutshell. Do you feel that confidence is a belief or do you think it is a skill? Is confidence built on your imagination or on fact? In reality, it is a bit of both.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

One of the few things students remember from all the theories they hear in psychology courses, is the self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever you expect to happen will.

You may know people who love to concentrate on the worst that could happen just so that they will never be disappointed. "I knew it. I was right." These folks have some issues they need to address. They are the Victor Meldrews from BBC TV's One Foot in the Grave, who are like misery magnets. Wouldn't you rather have one foot on the rung of the ladder to success? If you expect success you are closer to achieving it.

Defeatist thinking is bad for your health in the long run because it jeopardises the possibility of success and clouds your perception of reality.

Sometimes you will manage to achieve results in life even if you weren't confident in the first place. There are people who love to moan about their impending doom, even though it doesn't happen. But what about all that worry and stress caused by ongoing self-doubt? Who needs to live like that?

Just do it!

Our way of interacting with and looking at the world is set at a young age. Much comes from the first few years of life, when, depending on how your parents treated you, you gained a sense of safety and trust.

A lack of self-confidence and self-worth may push a person forward in an unrelenting bid to succeed, but that is not the kind of success you would wish for.

So many successful (measured by the eyes of the world) entrepreneurs, celebrities or inventors are insecure children deep down, hoping to gain some confidence, hoping to prove to their parents that they really are worthy of love. Isn't that sad? The pressures of that striving might lead to substance abuse and suicide.

Mental attitude

Real self-confidence is one of the most important assets. If you lack confidence you will not even send in your CV for jobs you want. You may not even read the advert. You will always go for less, settling for non-challenging jobs that fit nicely in your comfort zone. In time, your confidence muscles will weaken from disuse and you will have forgotten how to challenge yourself.

This is why sport has always been touted as vital for children's formation. Not because the aim is to win, but because you have to focus, learn from mistakes, make decisions, gauge your past performance and in team sports, learn to give and take.

Sports, like sailing and climbing, are ideal for confidence building. These are all vital skills that are transferred to the workplace. And it is never too late to learn.

Mentor me

A mentor in the workplace can help instil confidence by not only sharing tips and experience but by being a role model. One of the ways we learn is by copying or even acting 'as if' (in the positive 'make-believe' sense and not our local pessimistic mentality).

Try copying someone whose confidence you admire and see if it works for you, for a while, until you have internalised the required new skills and attitude.

What is the role of the coach? Firstly prepare the right training exercises. Then the best coaches know how to focus on the positive by helping the athlete to visualise the desired success.

Once the idea of success is accepted, adrenaline starts pumping through the body, giving energy to actions. Without this positive focus, the athlete may go on the field half-hearted, feeling demoralised and he might as well just admit defeat.

Motivational speaker Kevin Hogan's confidence-building and confidence-maintaining advice includes mastering body language, problem-solving, having back-up for future ones and making others feel secure.

"Praise them at every opportunity, reward them, give them projects that have responsibility and accountability and let them succeed. Tell them you expect them to succeed. Do all of the above for yourself, too."

Do it yourself

Behind every successful man is a good, strong woman, it's been said. But what do you do if there isn't anyone around to soothe your nerves, admire you and remind you of your strengths and potential?

Never fear. It is self-confidence that needs to be your lifelong goal. It is confidence, that you yourself can drum up, feed and measure. If you have to rely on others to boost your confidence, then it is not built on a strong enough foundation.

You can be your own coach and number one fan. Try a well-known trick used by celebrities: look into your own eyes in the mirror every morning and say the words you need to hear. It might just work for you!

Assertiveness training

If you don't ask for what you want, how can you ever get it? Assertiveness means being able to speak your mind clearly, delineate the boundaries of what you will and will not accept for yourself and from others, and ask for what you want and need.

Old-fashioned post-war parenting may have instilled an 'I-want-never-gets' belief in you, but can you see how that belief may be limiting you today? What is wrong with saying 'I want' as well as 'I deserve'?

It is a way of facing up to your present reality. 'I would like' may be polite, but it points to a more hypothetical situation where you are handing the power to someone else.

Whether during the interview process or considering negotiating a salary increase, the person with confidence and assertiveness will gain more respect from the employer and stands a much better chance of getting their needs met and making more money. Confident people are respected precisely because confidence is recognised as being such a powerful asset.

Assertiveness training courses help you to reformulate your everyday language so that you find it easy to speak up. It is not only 'difficult' people you will learn to deal with, but you will learn polite yet direct ways of communicating that cannot be misunderstood, which can be used in every facet of your life.

Think of how much less stressful and more efficient your day would be if you exuded confidence over the phone, with every client, in every interaction at the work place?

The confident person is also unafraid of admitting mistakes, because she knows that her confidence stems from a realistic view of her abilities. Being adequately prepared for a task will also boost your confidence, while 'winging it' is not to be recommended.

Be prepared, learn the information and skills you need, and you will have the tools to complete your task.

Forget perfectionism

The myth of perfectionism sets up a sense of failure because it is an impossible ideal. It can also stop you from even trying at all because you know you are never going to make that 100 per cent. Doing your best is what counts.

What confidence is not, is arrogance, cockiness and excessive pride. These often masquerade as confidence but may mask inner insecurity. Take good looks as an example.

Anyone who relies on them to endear themselves to others and open doors will get a shock as they get older and the wrinkles set in. Panic stations. If only their confidence had had another couple of 'legs' to stand on, supports based on ability and personality. Good looks are powerful, undoubtedly, but they are not enough on their own.

Realistic thinking, taking your strengths and weaknesses into account, learning to be effective, efficient and non-pessimistic can move mountains.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. When was the last time you took a risk, learned a new skill, tried new food or even read a different newspaper?

Learn to recognise your personal qualities and give yourself credit for what you do. At the end of the day, write down at least ten things that you can feel thankful for. Improving our ability to feel gratitude every day reminds us to focus on what we have instead of what we lack. Changing the way you look can also give your confidence a boost. Never underestimate a style change. If nothing else, at least you tried, which is more than many people do.

Who dares, wins. No matter what your goals are, if someone else has done it before you, you can do it too. If no one else has, you can be the first. You owe it to yourself to increase your confidence and no one else can do it but you!

CSB Recruitment Agency has been supporting the local business community with its services since 1987. For further information you can write to 185D Old Bakery Street, Valletta VLT 04, call 2123-2224 or 2123-2225, fax: 2123-2226, e-mail jobs@vacancycentre.com, or visit www.VacancyCentre.com