A young mother who took the brave step of speaking up publicly about being in an emotionally abusive relationship has been “overwhelmed” by the number of women who got in touch with her.
They told her they were stuck in a similar situation but that they lacked a support network to help them get out of it.
Svetlana took the courageous decision to share her story on social media after – thanks to the support of her family – she managed to end a long-term toxic relationship with the father of her child.
“I had never really taken emotional abuse seriously, until it happened to me. And even then, I did not realise that this was a common situation. But the feedback I received from numerous women highlighted the urgent need to give more priority to tackling such cases where the damage is not necessarily physical, and is thus less visible,” she says.
The majority of the women who got in touch with her, she adds, confided that they had no idea what to do to about their bad situation.
“The response encouraged me to take my story further in the hope that it inspires those who are in the same position to seek help and to make the necessary changes to their lives,” she adds.
She also hopes that the attention her post on social media attracted will prompt the authorities to sit up and take notice.
“Things weren’t always bad. When I first met my partner, he was extremely charming. Then he moved in with me and he became very controlling and insecure, accusing me of being a prostitute, of cheating, and calling me the worst names imaginable.”
The name-calling was only the least of it. A sports instructor by profession, Svetlana found her every move at work questioned and given a negative interpretation.
His moods changed with no reason or warning and he would spend days not talking to her on the flimsiest of pretexts.
“I developed a bad case of anxiety. Even just pulling out the key to my apartment would make me freeze. I’d wonder what mood he would be in, whether he would find an excuse to fight. I am still receiving counselling to cope with anxiety and to work on the self-esteem issues that the relationship caused me,” she says.
The bad moods would disappear as fast as they showed up, and be suddenly replaced by affection.
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The feedback I received from numerous women highlighted the urgent need to give more priority to tackling such cases
“I only realised I needed to get out after the birth of our child, which he never wanted. He often repeated that he didn’t want to be a ‘slave’ for this baby, and he refused to buy anything for the child, whether it was a playpen, groceries or diapers. Whenever I asked him to help out financially in order to buy daily essentials, he would call me a bummer.”
Things came to a head after Svetlana was left stranded with no money, no phone and a hungry baby, after what she describes as a minor argument.
“I had to walk from Mġarr to Saint Paul’s Bay with the baby. It took three hours. This happened again a couple more times, until finally I ended the relationship. By then I had managed to get back to work after the birth, and the apartment we lived in belonged to my mother, so leaving the relationship was not as financially crippling as it could have been,” Svetlana says.
She adds that it is easy to see why other women would find it impossible to leave, especially if they lack financial independence, or if they do not have a family to support their decision.
“I was touched by all the messages I received, and want to offer these women words of hope. But there is nothing that I can do to help them. It is obvious that these situations are not isolated, and that more priority is given to women who can see no way out.”
Psychologist Steffi Bartolo describes emotional abuse as an attempt to control someone. She mentions constant destructive criticism, the withholding of affection or any form of communication, shaming and blaming as examples of emotional abuse when these become patterns.
“One-offs are not considered abuse, because we all react differently.”
And, although some degree of jealousy in a relationship is normal, the psychologist says that it is easy to cross the line between love and possessiveness.
“Checking each other’s phone in secret, or becoming very upset when one partner meets friends or has hobbies that do not include the other partner, are examples,” she says.
Other signs to watch out for are when a person tries to isolate the other from everyone, except him or her.
For those who find themselves in such a situation, the psychologist says that the first step is to tell someone – anyone – about it. The next step is to seek support from a professional who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships, and who can help a person empower themselves enough to decide how to move forward.