Christmas! The most wonderful time of the year. And nobody does Christmas quite like the Maltese. From contorted Santa Claus figures hanging from balconies, to 2am fry-ups washed down with mulled wine, via awful renditions of Last Christmas on afternoon telly, Maltese Christmases are, well, unique. 

And at the heart of all this there is, of course, the family gathering. That extra-special occasion where people whom you spend most of the year actively avoiding, are all crammed into one room, given food and drink and ordered, by societal pressures, to have fun. 

Let’s be honest, even with the best of intentions, family gatherings – from the over-the-top Christmas lunch to the cherry brandy on boxing day at your great-aunt’s house – do not always live up to the beautiful expectations set for us by Christmas movies. And, even when they do, they are they are much less Miracle on 34th street and much more Die Hard. 

And when that happens it is very easy for your inner Grinch to find his way out, and ruin everything. So, in the spirit of giving, here are six ways to help you survive the festivities with the family…

6. Remember they’re not your bros or your oħts

We’ve all got friends we can be completely at ease with.

Friends we can get drunk with, swear at, and who are used to us prank-calling their mums. But (siblings and maybe a couple of cousins aside) family, is different. Especially the extended bunch. These are people with whom you did not choose to be connected, and who did not choose to be connected to you. So, no, no matter how much she is smiling manically at you, do not tell your spinster aunty that joke about the cucumber. She will not appreciate it.

5. Don’t get political

Political debate has got a bad reputation. This is unfortunate because a well thought out, logical debate can literally be a world-changing thing.

But that isn’t going to happen tonight. Not with your mother-in-law’s second cousin Josephine. Not when she is on her twelfth vodka coke and is wearing a jumper that she bought for the 1992 general election. The one with that MP’s face on it. 

Connected to this is knowing when to take control of the conversation. Especially if logic and debating skills are not family strengths. As soon as you feel that the discussion is getting dangerously close to the upcoming MEP campaign change the topic to something else. But make sure it is something that matters. I find that the horrors of a carb-free diet always elicit mass response.

4. Save yourself

When the questions start coming thick and fast, you need to be selfish. Don’t want nosey relatives asking about why your car was outside the STD clinic? Bring up your sister’s exam results. Want to deflect conversation away from the time you were in court this year? Talk about your brother’s browsing history. 

Feel a question coming on about how much you earnt this year? Segue into how you bumped into your cousin’s ex and just how happy she looked.   

3. Honesty is over-rated

A feature of family gatherings in my teenage years would always be overzealous elders cornering me and questioning me about my girlfriend or lack thereof. That I was already at the grand old age of 14 and was still partner-less was considered to be major worry in the family. The possibility of a summit was mentioned.  And then, one day, more out of desperation than anything else, I lied. Told them I was seeing someone.

And just like that, they stopped.

It did take me another couple of years to actually bring a girl to one of these events, so in the meantime I just made the lies more elaborate. Faking a phone call or buying yourself a ring is much easier than you’d think.   

2. Plan your escape

Know what time you are leaving. And always have an excuse prepared. Get a friend to call you at a pre-arranged time (bonus points if they can sound distressed, that way you can ‘accidentally’ hit speaker phone for half a second). If leaving early is impossible (think Christmas day lunch) plan a walk. Like, a really, long two-hour walk. 

1. Do not get too hammered

The tendency can be to get drunk in order to get through these occasions. And, while a bit of booze can lubricate things quite nicely, it can also lead to situations that spiral out of control. Like agreeing to meet up again in the near future. You have been warned.

Don’t want nosey relatives asking about why your car was outside the STD clinic? Bring up your sister’s exam results

Bonus: Find ways to enjoy it

Find a release mechanism. I enjoy moving all the pasturi about on the family crib. Seeing a cow on an angel’s back, or the għaġeb being held aloft by that kid with the water, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Find innocent ways to bring other people in as well. A silly joke, a sprout-eating contest or if you are feeling brave enough a carol singing session

Yes, the presents might be all wrong. Yes, they might have the innate ability to make you feel like banging your head against the Turkey. Yes, they might have eaten the last mince pie. But, probably through no choice of theirs or yours, they do kind of love you. And you at least like them.   

A bit.

Merry Christmas everyone!

This article first appeared in the Sunday Circle magazine.