Over these last weeks there have been some stories that I could not take up because of other more pressing topics, but which are altogether too juicy to let go without a comment. These are the four best ones:

Swimming in excrement

Ian Borg got his ODZ patio and swimming pool adjacent to his house, as predicted. The Planning Authority went into unbelievable positions of rhetorical yoga to justify the unjustifiable.

Never mind that the Ombudsman had branded the 2015 decision to approve Borg’s application for the house as a “grave error” and had slammed the authority’s “devious” and “deliberate” methods in this case.

Never mind that the authority chose to ignore the dubiousness of that first application and used it to justify the second.

Never mind that it apparently applied the wrong criteria for the swimming pool application to appease its minister.

The sweet bit is that to get his authority to approve his swimming pool, Borg has had to revise his plans. The swimming pool will now replace a disused cesspit. Borg will, literally, be wading up to his arm-pits in sh*t, or a receptacle thereof, which is just as good.

Karma is a bitch.

The science of cock-ups

What happens when, without any prior proper sand nourishment studies, you rush to rebuild a sandy beach for summer with silt-clogged sand from the bay itself?

Anyone studying SEC Geography will tell you that if you do not change the wave patterns and storm water channels that brought about the beach erosion in the first place, the sand will simply go back to its nature-ordained resting place. And there are many examples of similar bad policy decisions internationally from which to learn. In 2001, the sand placed on Torrey Pines beach north of San Diego, California, was washed away in a single storm. 

So what do you do when your instant Balluta beach is revealed for what it is: a €110,000 cock-up (and possibly a hand-out to some friendly contractor) that did not even last two months? Simple: call it research.

It wasn’t yet another hasty decision like the opening of new Air Malta routes without first checking if it had enough crew and planes to run them properly. Oh no, it was pure research, with serious people in white lab coats and clip-boards looking thoughtfully at the ebbing sands and nodding to each other.

Ian Borg will, literally, be wading up to his arm-pits in sh*t, or a receptacle thereof, which is just as good

We were told that the Balluta open-air research experiment (please don’t call it an ex-beach, it demeans science) was an unqualified success, because sand was washed away “as expected”.

When the last grain of carefully monitored sand has settled back on the sea bed of the bay, Konrad Mizzi will no doubt uncover a plaque to commemorate this bold new scientific advance. If you can make Panama accounts appear and disappear, it’s a cinch to turn cock-ups into scientific research. 

TOM should be seen but not heard

The Times of Malta (TOM) has been trying to follow up on the story that Minister Chris Cardona went to Monaco during the Grand Prix Formula 1 races, ostensibly on the government’s dime and business, but really to watch the races from eye-wateringly expensive hotels overlooking the route. Apparently, Monaco’s brothels are too boring to bother with. 

The Auditor General, who investigated these claims, noted in his report that his office was unable to verify the expenses made by the minister during the trip because documents were “misplaced”. The Times subsequently sent a series of questions to the ministry in terms of the Freedom of Information Act.

The Ministry’s reaction? TOM should “desist from proceeding with any further action and to withdraw and retract” any requests for further information. How many times do I have to tell you, TOM: sit up straight at table, don’t gobble up your food, and STOP pestering Uncle Chris with all those silly questions. After all, he is getting us that food in the first place, so just be grateful and pretend you believe his stories.

The duper duped

The American University of Malta (AUM), which has more letters in its title than students in its classrooms, has suffered the unkindest cut of all. It tried to acquire property in Tarxien to serve as a temporary residence for its overseas students but discovered too late that it was being taken for a ride. It claims the seller had promised things it could not, and did not intend, to deliver.

AUM is now trying to extricate itself from its contract, claiming that it should be null and void because the seller was in bad faith.

So AUM, how does it feel to be duped by a fast talker who was simply trying to make a fast buck, and trying to get out of a contract you wish you never signed in the first place? Now you know how it feels to be Maltese.  

This is a Times of Malta print opinion piece

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