When a separation is acrimonious and/or emotions are running high, the introduction of a new partner is a common source of conflict. A parenting arrangement that has been working well may fall off the rails if one parent insists that the new partner should spend time with the children and the other parent insists that they should not.

Making an effort to talk through such worries would be more fruitful than having constant conflicts.

Children fear they are betraying their other parent if they accept a new partner. A way of proving their loyalty is to say they don’t like them. These loyalty conflicts are particularly bad if parents don’t get on. Children are reluctant to leave a parent they are worried about. The ways children can typically feel about their parents’ new relationship need to be considered. They can feel jealous, because they’re used to having the parent to themselves; sad because their secret hope that their parents will get back together is gone; insecure because they feel they have to compete for attention; resentment, yet another change they have to get used to; and anxious about the other parent, asking themselves, “will the other parent feel more alone?” or “Will the other parent mind if they like the new partner?”

Children fear they are betraying their other parent if they accept a new partner. A way of proving their loyalty is to say they don’t like them

It will help your relationship if you can empathise (even if you don’t like it!) when your partner feels like ‘piggy in the middle’ between you and their ‘old family’. But if there are arguments and disagreements between your partner and their ex-partner, remember that you only hear one side of it.

A discussion with the children about the following issues could generate a more positive attitude. This could cover questions like: what is the point of their behaviour?; how is their behaviour affecting their parent?; how is their attitude affecting the relationship with their parent?; what do they hope to gain?; who are they really punishing?; is their behaviour going to change their parent’s choice?; would they be willing to give the new partner a chance?; the new partner was not a parent figure but a responsible adult who can help the parent raise them positively; is the parent’s choice of companion theirs to make?; there would be space for expressing serious objections or concerns delicately and calmly.

When children are not happy about the new partner, the parent will probably be very torn between wanting to please the children and wanting to move on with their life. Parents want their children’s acceptance and understanding in much the same way the children seek the parents’ approval for their choice of friends.

However, if the new partner continues to be unacceptable to the children for sensible reasons, it is important that the parent seriously considers whether or not to stay in such a relationship. The other option could be legal action by the other parent, which could eventually lead to the bond between the parent in the unacceptable relationship and the child being severed.

A word of advice

Tips for helping children with new partners

• Only introduce children to someone you want to be part of your everyday life.

• Take it slowly at first and be sensitive to your child’s reactions. Just because you think your new partner is great doesn’t mean that your children will agree.

• Tell the other parent about your plans before this person is formally introduced to the children. Be prepared to offer reassurances about your new partner’s involvement with the children and the continuing importance of the children to you.

• The children need some time alone with you without the new partner being present. This is especially important if the children do not live with you. Their time with you is precious.

• Make it clear that the new partner is not a substitute parent –the other parent is not being replaced.

• Support your children in adapting to the reality of life moving on. If it’s your ex who has the new relationship, be neutral about the new partner. Avoid asking questions about the new relationship and respect your child’s wishes if they do not want to talk about the new partner.

Why children tend not to accept a new partner

• Being protective of the parent – a watchfulness bordering on possessiveness – now faced with the possibility of someone taking over that role.

• Feeling dismayed that this new person is assuming the role of the much-loved deceased or absent parent.

• Perceiving a new partner as competition for the parent’s time with the child.

• Having difficulty thinking about the parent in an amorous relationship with someone who is not their parent.

• Thinking that the parent would remain alone, the change may make the child anxious.

What the new partner should avoid

• Avoid rushing things. Allow the relationship to develop slowly, don’t expect the partner’s children to love you or even like you initially.

• However much the children test your patience, aim for a relationship where you respect each other and treat each other fairly.

• Be the adult and be prepared to accept a back seat when the children are around.

• Accept that it is not a competition – the bond between parents and children cannot be compared with the one in an amorous relationship.

• Make it clear that you understand that your partner’s first responsibility is to their children. It will help take pressure off both of you – your partner will need to hear that you accept this.

• Try and be relaxed about things – your partner can give you their undivided attention when the children are not present.

• Remember you are not a substitute parent; be supportive but don’t expect to take on a parenting role.

• Don’t criticise, complain or even joke about the other parent in front of the children. Children of all ages struggle with loyalty issues, so be sensitive.

• Remember that your partner is parent first and your partner second. Part of being a good parent is having a good co-parenting relationship with the other parent.

• Accept that there will need to be communication between your partner and their ex-partner about the children. Good communication is essential if things are going to work well for the children.

• Try to understand the loyalty conflicts your partner might experience even if they don’t say it. There will be times when they feel pulled in several directions.

Carmen Galea works as a school counsellor at the St Paul’s Bay primary school as part of a project run by the Blossom Foundation and The President’s Trust. She is a founding member and currently vice chairwoman of Home-Start Malta. She was president of the Malta Association for the Counselling Profession for seven years and membership chair of the International Association for Counselling for five years.