It’s a (reasonably plausible) fact that most engaged couples spend more time arguing about what flavour wedding cake they want than thinking about the eternal vows that they are going to exchange in front of family and friends. But fast-forward a few decades and you’re not likely to remember the mango and ginger spice sponge with the chocolate filling – you will, however, treasure the memory of how it felt to face your partner and tell them what you feel.

Despite our obsession with wedding trappings, deep down, we all know that the vows are the most important part – that’s exactly why everyone puts off writing them or makes do with whatever the registry office or priest has on offer.

It is worth the effort, however. My husband and I went down the vow-writing route and it helped make the ceremony unique, injected a bit of humour and made us think carefully about our relationship before we tied the knot.

What we discovered was that vow-writing is a minefield. We wanted to avoid tired old clichés – we didn’t want anything to schmaltzy (since my hubby is a die-hard heavy metal fan and as sarcastic as they come, anything too sugary would hardly have rung true) and we didn’t want to say anything that would have half the wedding party cringing or leave some people out of the joke.

Luckily, our celebrant, a Humanist, gave us a folder to get us started. It was filled with quotes, passages and poetry, as well as questions to help us design our own vows. And despite our non-religious ceremony, we based a lot of the vows on the Church of England’s standard wording, which pretty much covered what we wanted to say, give or take some judicious tweaks.

What you want to achieve is a series of promises that matter to you

We decided to write our vows together (they were mirror images of each other) but some couples craft them separately and might even keep them as a surprise. It’s probably a good idea to at least discuss the tone however. If the groom is cracking jokes while the bride is plumbing the depths of her heart, there’s potential for marital discord before you’ve even signed the formal papers.

Lots of couples fill out a Q&A about their relationship to try and pin down those elusive from-the-heart exchanges. There are also some fabulous template sites, ranging from blasé and offbeat to deep and meaningful.

Essentially what you want to achieve is a series of promises that matter to you, whether they be broad (such as “I promise that I will never take you for granted”) or highly detailed (“I promise not to shirk on the washing up”). Some couples also want to add an affirmation of love and praise for their partner.

Once you’ve agreed on tone and format, write out exactly what you plan to say and practise reading it to each other. Phrases which sound wonderful on paper might be awkward and stilted when you say them aloud. We had a few trial runs so that the delivery was smooth. During the ceremony, we had the celebrant read each vow first for us to repeat, so that we didn’t have to worry about forgetting anything.

You can then choose some readings that hit the right tone for your relationship. We had friends and family read these, which helped to include key people. My brother, for example, couldn’t be a bridesmaid – he just doesn’t look right in a dress – but I wanted him to play a role. So he read the pithy poem about marriage by Ogden Nash (it’s worth a google). My mum also read a passage on love by author Louis de Bernières, since dad had already had the glory of walking me down the aisle.

One key guideline from the Humanist  was to keep it short. It’s fine for your first draft to range on for pages but you need to edit ruthlessly. Vows longer than a minute or two are likely to get painful for you as well as the audience (although it’s your wedding, so if you need five minutes to get it all out, go right ahead).

Bear in mind that your ability to change vows will depend on where you are getting married. In the registry office in Malta, there’s a standard text. Additional readings are permitted but must follow certain guidelines – be sure to check with the registrar in advance about exactly what you are allowed to alter in the ceremony. If you are having a religious wedding, you’ll need to talk to the priest.

Whatever you decide to say to one another, keep a written copy. It’s fun to unearth it once a decade and think about how much has changed and what has stayed the same.