As a mother (and a very single one at that) I understand fully the sacrifices and hard work that go into raising children singlehandedly. Flying solo means you’re on duty 24/7. You simply don’t have time-out for a bad back, a temperature or a hangover.

Whether you are trying to get your children to school or juggling an emergency meeting that’s clashing with football or ballet, you’ll have to figure it all out by yourself. And if your nearest and dearest can’t come to the rescue, you’re on your tod.

Many separated women – mothers sharing custody on paper but nowhere else – will probably identify with this. Estranged from their children’s father, they’ll tell you he’s the last person they can count on for help. And that any matter outside his four, 24, 36 or (very rarely) 48 hours of access is their problem.

Now for the caveat. I am well aware that there are many wonderful hands-on dads. Separated or divorced, they’d go through fire and water for their children and contribute fully to their upbringing, sharing care and custody, helping with homework, doing the school run, supporting extracurricular activities – even the Paceville run! – and making themselves generally available.

And yes, I have experienced at first hand the glaring injustices suffered by fathers who desperately want to see more of their children and who, for one reason or another, are denied that fundamental human right. I have heard too of cases where women have set out to destroy their children’s relationship with their father by even criminalising him unjustly. And I know too of doting fathers who are the primary caregivers, and mothers who are relegated to weekend parents.

All the same, having worked on quite a few separation cases over the years, I have also been able to identify a very different recurring pattern: the glaring inequality between mothers and fathers in matters of access, with some fathers repeatedly missing out – or ducking out. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First of all, raising children, even within marriage, is still a largely matriarchal affair which women consciously or unconsciously cultivate and perhaps even encourage. Yes, men do play a part, only a smaller part. And even when both husband and wife work, it is usually the woman’s work that’s considered negotiable. So she’s the one working around school hours, extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments, sick days and parents’ days. And of course this is the model which influences separation cases.

I am privy to many emails and text messages forwarded by desperate housewives let down by ex-partners making the usual litany of excuses

Secondly, I think some men prefer the line of least resistance, in and out of court, and regard less time with the children as less stressful and certainly more conducive to personal freedom. Setting aside extraordinary circumstances, I find it difficult to understand how a custody arrangement awarding one parent (usually the father) four or five hours of access a week – and no sleepover – can ever be in the best interest of the child, father or mother. Unless there is a very real threat of danger, sleepovers should be encouraged and indeed mandatory. Anything less would be a derogation of that parent’s rights and obligations and a dismantling of the parent-child relationship.

In fact, I sometimes wonder whether mothers and fathers understand just how short childhood really is. That goes for the ‘system’ too. From the time children are old enough to understand what’s going on, you’re lucky if you get 10 good years.

While I have much time and sympathy for fathers who want to see more of their children and meet with resistance, I have absolutely no sympathy for those who wriggle out of the one day they are meant to exercise access.

I am, you see, privy to many e-mails and text messages forwarded by desperate housewives let down by ex-partners making the usual litany of excuses: “I can’t make it this weekend because I don’t have a car/I have to work overtime/I am sick.” Whereas of course women who look after children for the remaining six days of the week, never get a break. Our own late meetings, car-breakdowns – nervous breakdowns even – never let us off the hook.

How is it that men get away with this? There are probably two explanations. The first is the masculine assumption that a mother won’t ever leave her children in the lurch. Her maternal instincts and moral code of always putting the children first give him the peace of mind to shirk his duties.

The second is that getting the father to exercise access is not legally enforceable (yet). A man knows he can’t wriggle out of maintenance – doing so would mean jail – but there’s no corresponding law forcing him to see his children. Some fathers therefore believe they have slipped the net. Even more worrying is that they believe their children will somehow understand or forget. They won’t. The only thing children understand is that their father was absent. Some will be damaged beyond repair. This is not what any father (or mother) really wants.

Of course, men and women are equally capable of fighting bitter wars of attrition. This is for mothers who don’t play games and make every allowance for their recalcitrant ex-husbands. While these women will go through hoops for their children, they still need physical, mental (and financial) relief.

Is the time perhaps ripe for a change (or amendment) to the law? Possibly. We are after all at the forefront of much civil rights legislation. So how about an amendment to the effect that a non-compliant parent would have to increase child support for each day there’s a default on access? The rationale being that there’s more of a burden on the other. And even if the amount of money is tokenistic, those dead-end excuses might not seem as hollow.

Given such a scenario, I reckon the shared responsibilities of parents for their children can only improve.

michelaspiteri@gmail.com