I have just discovered who is the inspiration for the government’s ham-fisted, flat-footed response to the European Parliament reports on Malta’s taxation system and, more recently, the rule of law. It is none other than Sir Humphrey Appleby, the mythical top civil servant of the 1980s sitcom Yes Minister.

In the episode ‘The Greasy Pole’, Sir Humphrey advises his Minister Jim Hacker on the four stages of how to discredit a report.

In Stage 1 you give your reasons for ignoring the report in terms of the public interest. You say that it puts unwelcome pressure on government, that there is need for wider and more detailed studies over a longer time scale.

In Stage 2 you discredit the evidence. You say it leaves questions unanswered, its evidence is inconclusive and open to other interpretations. Certain findings are contradictory and some of the main conclusions have been questioned. Of course you don’t do this officially, but you leak it through compliant media.

In Stage 3 you undermine the recommendations. You say they are not a sound enough basis for decision, do not provide sufficient information and therefore there is no need for a fundamental rethink.

Finally in Stage 4 you discredit the authors of the report. You say they are harbouring a grudge against the government and have their own agendas.

Now tell me if this does not sound exactly like the apologia of this government and its army of trolls. Not only does government look like a sitcom, it actually models itself on one. So just relax and sip your mug of whisky-spiked warm milk as Valletta burns on the 8 o’clock news.

Barbarism v dilettantism

The vandalisation of the public art installations ‘Kif Jgħid il-Malti’, placed all around Valletta as part of V18, is more than a shame; it is an act of barbarism. I like their playful and witty take on the richness of Maltese. They remind me of how young children struggle to go beyond the literal meaning of common idiomatic expressions. And seeing the prudish/prurient reactions to Mr Cheeky Onion-Head is part of the fun.

A word of solidarity to the sculptor, Joel Saliba, who must have felt a piece of him being ripped out for every violation, however minor.

In Stage 4 you discredit the authors. You say they are harbouring a grudge against the government

On the other hand: whose brilliant idea was it to construct street sculpture out of that light and friable material that we Maltese call Jablo? Have the V18 people never seen street sculpture in other cities, even when it is to be exhibited for a finite period of time?

The material and construction take into consideration that children will want to climb on it, adolescents to monkey around it, that accidents may happen. Some of the breakages I saw, which were then left on the respective sculptures, look more accidental or thoughtless rather than wilful. Fibreglass would have been much more appropriate. But it would have probably taken more planning and been more expensive. Oh, well.

The impish part of me could not help but notice that the installation chosen to grace the space between the Great Siege monument/Daphne memorial and the law courts represented that old saw: ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch’. Is it a dig at the endless ebb and flow of plaintiffs around the law courts? Or is it a snide put-down to the steady trickle of visitors paying their respects at Daphne’s memorial in their demand for justice? I am sure it is just a coincidence.

Songs of praise

When the proceeds are for charity, we Maltese are ready to go to any length, cross any boundary. Ignore health and safety regulations in a high-speed car show? Check. Organise dinners in premises decorated with a constellation of planning abuses? Check. Abandon all sense of self-respect to collect funds for the sick when the government is giving away 10 times as much money for an ‘improved’ health service that does not exist? Check.

But now the Malta Philharmonic has really outdone itself. Previously with Rockestra it successfully blurred the line between contemporary and classical music. Now with the concert of the Prime Minister’s favourite hits, it has successfully blurred the line between good taste and slobbery adulation.

Why stop there? I am sure that thousands are gagging to hear what Adrian Delia sings when he is in the shower. What President Coleiro Preca hums to on her exercise bike. What Marlene Farrugia relaxes to when she actually stops hearing herself speak. And finally, Jason Micallef’s choice of classical music, which is what he calls his favourite Eurovision and Wardakanta hits.

Let’s carry on building our post-colonial pantheon to servile obsequiousness. One final bold decision is required: let us do away with Dun Karm’s Innu Malti, the national prayer to God, and replace it as Malta’s national anthem with Inti s-Salvatur Tiegħi, the national invocation to the gods.

Only then shall we truly be the Cultural Capital of the Cosmos.