Yes, it’s that time of year again when – for the umpteenth year running – (30 actually) – this Old Bore, Sylvanus, gazes long and hard into his crystalballs and comes up with exactly what is going to occur in the following year. And… I have never yet been known to be wrong… er. Well anyway, here goes…
January
The government re-requisitions the land at Żonqor Point from the American University in Malta in order to sell a lease on it to the Walt Disney Corporation.
Joe Bannister accepts another five non-executive directorships in financial organisations and, of course, denies any conflicts of interest.
The government issues a compulsory purchase order on 150 tumoli of ODZ land in Baħrija in order to plant it out with legal medicinal cannabis plants.
Valletta’s year of ‘culture’ opens to fanfares – (from the government) – with an all-star gala production of Żeża tal-Flagship in the ‘all-weather’ Teatru Rjal.
February
The Police Commissioner fronts another shambolic press conference to try – but fails – to justify the previous chaotic press conference he gave after the Daphne Caruana Galizia assassination.
The latest figures from the Electoral Commission show the Labour Party’s lead over the PN to have increased to upwards of 80,000 votes.
PN leader Adrian Delia says: “I’m not worried, as soon as I come up with a policy or two that figure will reverse into a healthy PN lead.”
Pilatus Bank, Ta’ Xbiex, announces that henceforth its opening hours will be between midnight and 2am.
‘Keet’ Schembri is appointed honorary consul for Panamain Malta.
March
Disney begins construction of Disneyworld Malta on the land formerly leased to the American Univeristy of Malta (AUM) at Żonqor.
‘Keet’ Schembri stamps his little foot, pulls a sickie, and again manages to avoid being interviewed by EU’s visiting PANA money-laundering committee.
The Azerbaijan ruling family, the Aliyevs, all acquire dodgy Maltese passports.
The government issues another compulsory purchase order on the entire area covered by the Marsa Sports Club in order to plant it out with more legal medicinal cannabis plants.
April
Jo-seff Muscat, on his return to Malta after visiting Saudi Arabia, denies categorically that he went there to try to sell dodgy, expensive Malta passports to the Saudi princes and sheikhs who had been banged up in the Riyadh Ritz. He said: “Obviously I went for the nightlife.”
Konrad Mizzi calls for the firing of Enemalta chairman Frederick Azzopardi. How dare he tell the truth and slag off Konrad’s pride-and-joy iffy power station.
The government grants permits for a further three boutique hotels; one in a boathouse in Ġnejna, one in a telephone box in Għarb and another in a dog kennel in Tarxien.
Harvey Weinstein is appointed visiting professor of discreet foreplay at the AUM.
May
The latest poll shows the LP lead over the PN to be in excess of 85,000 votes.
PN leader Adrian Delia comments: “No problem, now I’m in charge, just watch it come tumbling down.”
Chris Cardona is forced to deny – “once and for all” – that the Ministry for the Economy’s office in Valletta, after hours turns into a ‘house of ill repute’.
Donald Trump arrives on a four-day State visit. Apparently we are the only place on the planet that is still prepared to welcome him.
Johnny Dalli is appointed honorary consul for the Bahamas in Malta.
June
The Police Commissioner stages a book signing in the Agenda bookshop, Valletta, to promote his new tome: “Fenkata Restaurants I Have Known.”
Joe Bannister acquires six more non-executive directorships. Now he only needs another 10 to complete a full set.
The government requisitions the whole of Ta’ Qali, in order to plant it out with yet more legal medicinal cannabis.
For V18, Joseph Muscat presents another concert of his favourite music, including such iconic standards as: Money Changes Everything by Cyndi Lauper, I Want It All and I Want It Now by Queen and The Great Pretender by The Platters.
July
The owner of Pilatus Bank vehemently denies that the enormous industrial washing machine, seen being installed in the Ta’ Xbiex bank’s vault in the middle of the night, is to be used to launder ill-gotten gains.
Jonathan Ferris turns over to the Attorney General a dossier detailing criminal activity that he says “goes right to the very top of government”.
Air Malta is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Konrad Mizzi saves the day by getting Air Panama to bail them out.
The Azerbaijan ruling family acquires San Anton Palace as a Malta holiday home.
August
Contrary to his stated beliefs, ‘Pasta’ Gordon John Manché conducts a marriage ceremony between two gay men. He later protests that, despite the baritone voice, the designer stubble and the size 12 stilettos, he truly did not know the bride was a bloke.
Even though another visiting PANA committee requests a one-on-one meeting with ‘Keet’ Schembri, when they show up at Castille, he hides in the gents loo to avoid doing so..
Surprise, surprise… Jonathan Ferris’s red-hot dossier, said to detail the criminal shenanigans of Malta’s elite politicians, goes missing from the AG’s office.
Konrad Mizzi is appointed honorary consul for New Zealand in Malta.
September
The latest Malta national football coach gives up on the team and resigns. Fortunately, at long last, the MFA comes to its senses and appoints a local bookie to the post. This means that even if we do lose heavily on the pitch, at least we’ll clean up in the każin.
In the latest poll, the predicted LP lead over the PN is 90,000 votes.
PN leader Adrian Delia claims: “Their lead has now bottomed out. I confidently predict a sharp fall from here on.”
The University of America in Malta proudly announces a record student intake for the next academic year, but the number of students signing on is a secret… actually it’s 16.
Konrad’s floating bomb, the Electrogas power station in Marsaxlokk, is consigned to history, experience and the bottom of the bay. So we’re now 100 per cent reliant on the interconnector.
Konrad shrugs it all off and retires to Panama to count his money.
October
Valletta’s Year of Culture receives a sophisticated culture boost with a star-studded għana concert at the Manoel Theatre. Among the cultural icons appearing are: Ċikku ‘tal-Poplu’, Gracie ‘il-Bormliża’ and Frankie ‘is-suldat’. Who said we didn’t do high culture?
In order not to be quizzed by the latest PANA committee, ‘Keet’ Schembri takes to going around disguised in a false beard and a ginger wig.
The Aliyevs purchase Auberge de Castille as their Valletta base… (So handy for shopping.)
Marlene Farrugia announces that she is forming another political party, to be known as New PN.
November
Disneyworld Malta opens to the public. John Bundy is – ironically – appointed as CEO.
The government requisitions the whole of Burmarrad Valley, in order to plant it out with thousands of tumoli more of legal medicinal cannabis.
For the first time ever, the LP lead in the polls tops 100,000 votes.
PN leader Adrian Delia resigns. PN MPs celebrate with a mega-party… The PL government curses its luck.
Puce magazine names Michelle Muscat as their ‘Woman of the Year’ for services to rubber gloves. Puce editor, Fionella Galdes Begonia, states: “She deserves it for proving once and for all that you don’t have to have style and good taste to succeed in life.”
December
All sitting PN MPs decide to join Marlene Farrugia’s New PN, with her as its leader.
As the high cultural point of V18, a beer-drinking competition is held in the Leprechaun Pub, Paceville, with the winner to receive an inscribed tankard and free counselling from Alcoholics Anonymous.
John Bundy resigns as CEO of Disneyworld Malta. He says it’s because he’s constantly feeling claustrophobic inside the Mickey Mouse costume.
It’s official: Malta is now a bona fide colony of Azerbaijan.
In conclusion: As always, Sylvanus wishes both of his readers a very happy and – as far as 2018 is concerned – ‘cultured’ New Year.