Wayne Flask
Occupation: Author, satirist...
Age: 35
Best memory from the Malta of my youth is… I guess I was relatively innocent then. Not knowing or asking the why's and how's was bliss up to a certain point.
Malta’s biggest challenge is… its lousy mentality, its lousy infrastructure and its lousy TV programmes.
The best thing I've recently read was… another Frankie Boyle column that didn't make it to The Guardian.
The one concert I really, really remember is… The Cure, Portugal, 2012. Closest to perfection I've ever been.
Facebook is… to quote Umberto Eco, social media has allowed imbeciles with a keyboard to have an opinion. Facebook is its grand meeting point. I'm there too, of course.
If I could give a prestigious prize to a Maltese in any category, it would be… a Nobel Peace Prize to (Planning Authority executive chairman) Johann Buttigieg. Keeps people from both sides of the political divide very happy with the PA’s planning policies. He's a bit like the Dalai Lama of concrete.
Johann Buttigieg: The 'Dalai Lama of concrete'.My ideal Friday night is… a quiet pint with just the right amount of background noise.
If I didn't do this job, I’d pursue a career in… farming.
I never expected my field as a writer to be as… I never expect anything. Expectations kill.
My favourite quote right now is… “Jazz is the last refuge of the untalented. Jazz musicians enjoy themselves more than anyone listening to them does.” It's a fantastic quote by Factory Records owner Tony Wilson. I don't really agree with it but it manages to rile up hipsters and prosecco drinking bourgeois in equal measure.
If I could be any age for a week... I’d prefer time travel... and be 35 in 1995 when I was actually 13.
My favourite word is… unprintable.
My first thought as I woke up this morning... was also unprintable.
A celebrity I would like to sit next to on a public bus ride is... Iggy Pop. He's fun, articulate, and has a lovely drawl which makes him ideal for telling anecdotes. He doesn't take too much space on the seats either.
When I die, I hope people remember me as… a nobody.
My next vacation spot will be… haven't thought about it, sadly I can't afford Kazakhstan.
Most under-rated quality of life on an island is… they're actually all overrated.
Roof-top terraces are meant for… close analyses of tower cranes.
If I had to describe my life using film titles… I'm a fan of the Coens. I’ll gladly go for Burn After Reading.
If I could take credit for any great piece of art/song/film/book it would be… The Bible. So many writers there that I'd rake in quite a sum in royalties.
If I was the CEO of a company I would make... saying 'good morning' compulsory in the office and I would ban body odour in the office.
If I was on death row, I would order... a Bosnian mixed grill for my last meal.
I get my best ideas when… I drive, which is bad because there's no time to write them down.
If there was only one app I could take to a deserted island… why, Facebook of course! I can post selfies of me starving to death on the sand and watch humanity go to the dogs by casually following a discussion on Salott.
Working to live, or working is living? Both lead to working yourself to a slow, underpaid death.