When faced with the same situation in your family life day by day, do you think about why it’s always the same? Why do you feel angry when your husband or wife comes home? Why don’t your teenager children listen to you? You can have the answer for your many questions right now.

Children aged between 12 and 20 are behaving very naturally, led by their hormones. They try to find out in various, even dangerous ways, where their borders are. Especially vis-a-vis their parents and in many other areas of their lives.

This is a learning process and a hidden parting from their self-image. Children want parents to see them as adults and not children anymore.

There are more phases in family life when children want to change their life situation. When a baby is about to be born, it kicks its mother’s tummy to give a sign. This place is a too small for me… let me out please.

In teenage years the same thing happens. The child sends the sign, “I am not a child anymore, I want to do some things on my own.” If you understand this phase, like emancipation for their own sake, you make your and the family’s life easier. Give them more space and create a more peaceful tone in family conversations.

You get a double benefit as you create more peace in your home and you can focus on your relationship with your husband or wife. The connection is important for both of you. I am sure you have experienced it, at least at the beginning of your relationship.

We are human and can forget very easily the ‘magic’ of our first meeting. This magic, which is full of soaring feelings and excitement, won’t stay with us if we don’t invest more into our relationship over time.

We crave for our feeling and thoughts to be heard and understood by our partner

There is a huge chance that we become emotionally disconnected from our partner when we don’t communicate properly with them. Properly means to be able to communicate about your wishes, about tiresome habits and finding the reason why we might do things that might irritate us both. Taboos are created by society. We must try to allocate a few minutes daily for responsive communication. This will pay dividends in any relationship.

Why is it such a big deal and a huge challenge to do this? Because 90 per cent of our lives these days is spent in a rush; we are not even connected with ourselves anymore, let alone to our partners or even with nature. To slow down and ask honest questions with one of the most important people in your life, your partner, is the key factor in creating a  long and fulfilling romantic relationship.

We crave for our feelings and thoughts to be heard and understood by our partner. If the discussion is already there, we should try to calm the situation with a question: “Why is this causing you so much pain?” Instead of defending yourself, try to pull yourself out of the situation by talking with your partner. When your partner is angry, they are not interested about your point of view but are focused on the pain inside.

What happens when you do overcome an argument? A minor miracle. Why? Because your spouse can talk to you about the whole problem. This means that the trust has been built simply because you asked. Your partner can trust you as they are not seeing a person who is deaf to their words, but they see a caring, mindful person. At the end of the day, it’s the most beautiful feeling you can achieve. Honestly, isn’t this a much more beneficial tactic? To be clever by being amiable and understanding and sleeping in the bed you share instead of the couch?

This is ultimately the key to achieving more happiness and building a team feeling in your relationship. Nurture your fondness and admiration. Build a positive picture about each other if admiration is missing. Write down at least five good attributes about each other and focus on them every day. Let your partner influence you in order to create a team spirit, co-operate with both your perspectives, thoughts and feelings, and solve your solvable problems.

I will share something a lovely couple on their 56th wedding anniversary said to me: that some simple steps are the secret to creating a true relationship. “Be friends as much as lovers. Trust in each other and with never-ending love. Solve your solvable problems and learn to live with your unsolvable ones. Don’t blame, don’t be upset, happiness is in your heart and mind.”

Just a decision. Just your mindset.

Marta Kopacsi is a relationship communication coach.