They are happy occasions but getting invited to a baby shower or attending a Christmas Day lunch are a struggle for women dealing with infertility. Diane Calleja Gilson and Lee-Anne Spiteri tell Kurt Sansone their story.

The story is supposed to go like this: you get married, settle down and have a baby.

This is the fairytale trajectory Diane Calleja Gilson, 34, envisaged when she got married 10 years ago, only to realise that trying to have a baby could be a heartbreaking experience.

Today, she has a nine-month-old son but getting there was a struggle with herself, family pressures and the perceptions that society imposes.

“Infertility creates feelings of isolation and shame; it is a difficult period because the people closest to you hurt you unwittingly with their comments,” she said.

We met in Valletta to discuss the new organisation she set up last month to foster education and awareness on infertility.

The Malta Infertility Network owes its origins to a support group that brings together more than 300 women who have fertility problems.

The support group meets every month and women also receive help from Donia Scicluna, a therapist, who is held in high regard by Diane and her friends.

Diane was accompanied by Lee-Anne Spiteri, 30, and another woman, who asked not to be named. Coming to terms with infertility is not easy. It is a deeply private affair with consequences that are, however, visible to all. The request to remain anonymous is symptomatic of the difficulty to be open about the matter. I decided to call her Susan.

“I am not ready yet to openly speak about what my husband and I are going through,” Susan said.

The couple have just returned from abroad where they underwent in-vitro fertilisation treatment.

“It’s anything but a holiday because after visiting the clinic, you are waiting anxiously for the daily phone call to inform you of the progress of the process.”

It has not been easy for Susan. Her infertility stems from two conditions, including endometriosis, a painful disorder in which the uterus lining tissue grows outside the womb. She even had to be operated upon.

But while Susan learnt quickly what the cause of her infertility is, Lee-Anne’s is a different story.

Infertility becomes the third person in the relationship

With her infectious smile, Lee-Anne said her infertility had been initially diagnosed as ‘unexplained’. There was no plausible reason why she should not get pregnant.

But women in the support group suggested she carry out a blood test that is not done at Mater Dei hospital, to determine the cause.

“I did this test privately in Malta and the blood was sent to the US. It resulted that my immune system is overactive, which means that even if I got pregnant, my body would reject the embryo,” she said.

Lee-Anne has spent approximately €40,000 on treatment and has stopped totting up the bill. The expense to treat infertility is an added burden, which not everyone can afford.

“People generally tell you do not stress yourself but few realise that if there are medical problems, they have to be addressed adequately,” she adds.

Lee-Anne has no children yet and every menstrual cycle for her signals another lost month.

She admitted that Christmas is a difficult period for women like her, as are occasions like Mother’s and Father’s Day.

“Wedding anniversaries are just but another reminder that we are childless and baby showers are too hard to handle,” she admitted.

But she has learnt to deal with these situations, choosing which occasions to attend, deciding when to retreat in solitude and when it is apt to be assertive towards others.

Susan added: “It’s not that you are not happy for the mum-to-be but you feel sad for yourself and in cases like these it is better if you do not go.”

One of the more tricky situations these women have experienced is when a relative becomes pregnant.

Diane said she can understand the discomfort the pregnant relative would feel in trying to break the news.

“But we do not want to be the last to know because somebody decides to block the information ‘for our good’. Sometimes sending a simple text message with the news is enough because it allows the person to digest the information in silence.”

What must not be done is sending a picture of the positive pregnancy test, Diane added with a smile.

Although it may sound like these women were lamenting, they were not. What they highlighted are innocent instances and comments in everyday life that re-open the wound for couples dealing with infertility.

Diane said lack of education and poor awareness of infertility often sees patients postponing seeking adequate medical help, in the process wasting valuable time.

“The message we want to convey to other women in our situation is that they are not alone. Very often, couples keep infertility to themselves and sharing the experience with others can be a source of relief,” Diane said.

Infertility also strains relationships, she added. Some families even engage in an “unfair blame game” when it transpires the couple are struggling to have children.

“Infertility becomes the third person in the relationship and can have dire consequences unless the couple are strong together,” Diane explains.

The new organisation hopes to be at the forefront in raising awareness and one of the issues the three women would like to see is separation of services at Mater Dei Hospital.

Infertility treatment often results in women having to go to hospital on a regular basis for ultrasound monitoring of the ova development.

“It is very awkward for women undergoing infertility treatment, who have to go to hospital and wait in the same area as pregnant women,” Diane said.

The same holds for women who miscarry and who can find themselves in the same wards as women expecting babies.

Diane and her friends are determined to reach out to other couples passing through a similar experience.

They believe it is time to lift the veil on infertility in the hope that society becomes more sensitive to the emotional, social and medical needs of couples caught in these situations.

What is infertility?

The International Committee Monitoring Assisted ReproductiveTechnologies, a non-profit organisation, defines infertility this way:

A disease characterised by the failure to establish a clinical pregnancy after 12 months of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse or due to an impairment of a person’s capacity to reproduce either as an individual or with his/her partner.

Fertility interventions may be initiated in less than one year based on medical, sexual and reproductive history, age, physical findings and diagnostic tests.

Infertility is a disease which generates disability as an impairment of function.

Reaching the Malta Infertility Network

Facebook page: Malta Infertility Network – NGO
Email: maltainfertilitynetwork@gmail.com