Couples preparing to say ‘yes’ to an interfaith marriage need to understand how their community will view the marriage – and decide how important that is to them

A religious marriage isn’t just about the wedding ceremony but also about the promises and expectations that come with it.

Religion doesn’t stop people from having a successful marriage – intolerance does.

“Tolerance and respect go hand in hand,” says Stephanie Abood, who is married to Raid, a Muslim.

Stephanie and Raid both come from families who cherish the values and traditions of their respective faith.

She vividly remembers when she first started dating Raid. Her family had soon noticed she had met someone and that the relationship was serious.

“Back then, 21 years ago, we had no mobile phones so we would use the landline to communicate. I would sit by the phone waiting for him to call. I’m sure my mother noticed how excited I would be and how I changed my hairstyle and wardrobe.

“So, one day, she started asking questions: where is he from and what he does for a living. When I told her he was from Kuwait, she went visibly pale and told me to inform my dad.”

Stephanie’s father did not take the news gladly.

“I was told to leave him at once as a man with a different culture and a different religion would spell nothing but trouble,” she adds.

Yet Stephanie soon realised that the heart does not follow orders.

“I am rather hard-headed and decided not to leave Raid.

“However, I did not allow my infatuation to blind me – instead, I confided in two close friends – we used to go out for dinner together and they used to grill Raid with the right questions.

He believes in freedom and insists that a true Muslim should never force anybody to convert

“Their advice was to hold on to him. They were proven right because he turned out to be a true gentleman.”

Stephanie also asked a priest, Fr Joe Saliba – who later officiated her wedding – for advice.

“Fr Saliba reprimanded my father, telling him that he could have been interfering with God’s plan.”

In 1996, on the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows, Stephanie asked Raid to accompany her to the traditional procession.

“He accepted and, when the procession stopped in front of our house, my dad asked Raid to come in, saying that we could only offer coffee as we were fasting. From that day on, we never looked back and after four months we got married.”

Stephanie and Raid’s wedding ceremony referred to both faiths.

“The priest was very understanding and in his homily, he quoted the 99 attributes referred to Allah in the Koran. Raid’s niece – who was bearing our wedding rings – also wore a hijab.”

This combination of traditions also continued at the wedding reception, where Raid’s sister burned bhur and threw rose water on the newly-weds for good luck.

Two decades later, Stephanie says that her life with Raid has been a journey of understanding.

“We acknowledge and respect each other’s religion. My husband has never asked me to consider converting to Islam – he insists that a true Muslim should never force anybody to convert. At home, we have a crucifix and scriptures from the Koran hanging on the walls. And when we bless our home during Easter, the priest is always very happy to visit us.

“We are flexible and practical. Although Raid doesn’t eat pork, on the odd day that I opt for an English breakfast, he cooks the bacon. I also enjoy the odd tot of whisky and he never said anything to me. That said, I respect his views and never wear sleeveless tops – I wear what I like but take into consideration his culture and traditions.”

The only thing that Raid has objected to is a tattoo.

“I work full-time, participate in media programmes and have travelled alone or with colleagues – Raid never had any problem with that. But he drew the line when I wanted to get a tattoo.”

Stephanie says that apart from being husband and wife, she and Raid are best friends.

“We are very open and can discuss anything. We do everything together. What makes our friendship so solid is that we love each other the way we are.”

This friendship played an important role when their son Gabriel was born.

“We had to decide in which faith to raise our son,” Stephanie says. “We agreed to do away with pride issues and bring him up in the Catholic faith – after all, we live in a Catholic country and we did not want to risk our son being bullied for belonging to a minority.

“We wanted God to unite us and so we have taught our son the moral values that Raid and I learned from our parents. However, we agreed to one condition: when Gabriel is 18, he will be free to choose what religion to follow.”

Are interfaith marriages accepted in Malta?

Thomas Galea

In order to discuss interfaith marriages in the Maltese context, one must first consider elements of local culture.

The Roman Catholic religion is virtually woven into the fabric of Maltese culture. For example, one may consider the various feasts and celebrations which organise our societal calendar: carnival, Lent, Easter, Christmas, several public holidays and village feasts. These all originate from the Catholic calendar.

There is also our tumultuous colonial history to consider. I will use two colonisers to clarify how these shaped our present cultural identity. The Hospitaller Knights of St John ruled Malta for around 250 years and their rule was characterised by a long-standing conflict with Islam.

Subsequently, the major colonial power to rule Malta was the British Empire which required any Maltese who aspired towards upward social mobility to assimilate the British model of thinking and behaving.

The advent of children is an important developmental milestone for any marriage but even more so for an interfaith marriage

Hence, over time, we developed a Maltese culture which is predominantly Christian and Eurocentric.

This exploration of our cultural context leads to the inference that as Maltese we hold a collective meaning of our identity and our beliefs. Due to our preference towards a Christian, or more specifically Roman Catholic, and European cultural model, we may be prejudiced towards people who do not conform to these models.

I would say that the attitude of the wider society towards interfaith marriages depends on the different religions involved. For example, in my research, a couple where the man was Muslim and the wife was Maltese encountered rejection from her extended family as well as various levels of discrimination from the wider society. It is also important to note that this reaction was also intertwined with elements of racism because the man identified as being an Arab.

The success of an interfaith marriage depends on several factors. First is adherence. Do the spouses adhere to their religious beliefs or do they nominally consider themselves to form part of a religious group?

More challenges in a marriage arise if both strictly adhere to the expectations and rules set by their religious beliefs. In such a scenario, in order for the marriage to succeed, one of the spouses tends to assimilate towards the other’s religious beliefs or they both learn how to coexist with their different religious beliefs.

Another factor is flexibility. In an ideal scenario, both spouses agree to incorporate elements of both beliefs throughout their marital life. In other scenarios, one of the spouses may be more flexible and allow or accept the other spouse’s religious practices. Marital problems may arise when one of the spouse’s beliefs is forcibly imposed on the marriage without consideration whether these practices are acceptable for the other partner.

The advent of children is an important developmental milestone for any marriage but even more so for an interfaith marriage. Children bring fresh challenges such as which religious beliefs they will be raised in. A spouse who may have previously been flexible with religious beliefs may realise they are less so when it comes to the religion of the couple’s children.

Culture and religious beliefs tend to have a bearing on the development of children’s identities and this may contribute towards interfaith spouses, finding the question of having children particularly difficult.

The living context of an interfaith couple has a considerable bearing on the quality of the marriage. For example, in the Maltese context, Christians of different denominations tend to be more accepted than other major religions such as Islam.

Traditionally, Maltese families would require their children to marry other Maltese Roman Catholics and marrying outside your faith tends to be culturally unacceptable. Although these trends towards marital religious homogeneity are changing, my research shows that it is still not easy to be in an interfaith marriage within the Maltese context due to societal pressures to conform coupled with rejection of different beliefs.

Thomas Galea is a practising family therapist and has also been working in the field of addiction rehabilitation services for several years. He comes from a multicultural family and has been in a long-term intercultural relationship.

Mixed-faith couples need help from religious leaders

“Marriages between two people of different faiths are on the increase,” says Mgr Alfred Vella, the director of the Malta Emigrants’ Commission.

The MEC has been involved in this pastoral work for many years, since the times of the British services in Malta when many Maltese got  married to Britons who were based here and the majority were either Church of England or non-practising Christians.

“Today, however, the situation is more complex since through frequent travelling and the social media, many Maltese are engaging with others coming from more different countries, backgrounds and religions,” Mgr Vella points out.

“We find a good number who belong to no religion at all but profess they are good and believe in some kind of deity.”

Others, who are in this kind of relationship, ask the MEC to prepare them to become Catholics and receive the other sacraments, especially if they intend to settle in Malta. When they are close to get married they are asked to attend a preparatory course which consists of four sessions of four hours each.

“This is a tailor-made course and deals with the subject matter from different angles, like what is the doctrine of the Catholic Church about the sacrament of marriage in comparison with other religions, how to deal with conflicts and other skills like listening,” says Mgr Vella.

During these courses, talks are given by experts including lawyers, psychologists, a theologian and the director of the public registry.

“The leading couple share with the participants their experience of a married couple and that of parents of young adults,” says Mgr Vella. “It’s a pastoral work which gives us great satisfaction.”