11.15 That's it from me for tonight. If you've just joined us... well, frankly you've missed all the good bits, but you can catch up on the action as it all unfolded down below. Thank you to all those who followed and sent in their thoughts. Good night!
11.12 Well, now that the pesky business of singing is out of the way, we can start the real business of national headscratching over why we never do particularly well at the Eurovision. Claudia Faniello gave a great showing, but in the end critics' reservations about the song seem to have been right on the money. Two consolations: (1) expectations were never that high to begin with and (2) it's election season so everyone will have forgotten by tomorrow.
11.10 Claudia Faniello is out. The hosts announce the final five qualifiers - Israel, Romania, Norway, the Netherlands and Austria - and, as predicted, there is no spot for Malta. The Eurovision dream ends here for another year.
11.05 Bulgaria, Belarus, Croatia, Hungary and Denmark are the first five countries in. The bookies' predictions have held with just one exception - Croatia, who were not pipped to go through - so far, so it's not looking great.
11.03 After Jon Ola Sand, the European Broadcasting Union's chief suit, is inexplicably introduced as the Mr. Miyagi of the Eurovision, we're on to the moment we're all waiting for. Has Claudia Faniello done enough?
11.01 And then Ukraine, who as the hosts also just swan into the final, give us a taste of their own rock-and-crystal-skull song. And then we're on to the results. Here we go.
10.57 France and Germany - who as part of the Big Five get a free ride to the final - are giving snippets of their performances now. For France, that means lyrics with the words "Centuries pass and disappear, what you believe to be death is nothing but a season" and a holographic Eiffel Tower. Add a cigarette and a baguette and I think you've literally got the country's entire cultural output.
10.55 A proposal! The Macedonian singer - her of the legs and the lacklustre perfume ad - has just got engaged, right there, in the green room. Which I'm sort of uncharitably hoping is the only good news she gets tonight. She also may have accidentally invited us all to her wedding, and I for one intend to take her up on that.
10.50 There's some dancing going on now which I think we should just allow to take its natural course. In the meantime, what were your stand-out acts from the night? The Thoughts line is open. For me, I'd have to say it was Croatia's cuddly, talented two-voice man, the yodelling Romanians, and the air-rafting jangly Belarusians. Honourable mention for the 11-year old hot air balloonists. Between them, they all truly encapsulated what the Eurovision - and by extension, Europe - truly means. By which I obviously mean campness and yodelling.
10.47 Televoting is now closed. The moment of truth is close. On the plus side, we clearly have support from our compatriots overseas, as this screenshot slightly below me and to the right clearly demonstrates.
10.34 These Ukrainian identikit hosts, currently encouraging fans to sing badly at us, really aren't doing much for me. Do you remember Måns Zelmerlöw and Petra Mede in Sweden last year? Because they were actually quite funny. Meanwhile, the fact that these Ukrainians - I'm not going to try and spell their names again - look vaguely like what would happen if you passed every Maltese male TV star through one of those mash-up apps doesn't fill me with confidence for our ability to host the show should we ever win. Which we won't, so it's purely academic, but still.
10.33 Have we learned anything tonight? About music, about Europe, about ourselves? Personally I think my main takeaway is that the fastest growing industry in Europe must be white dresses for Eurovision divas. How many was that in all? It felt like 60.
10.29 The songs are over. Those other things that were sort of songs but not really are also over. Televoting begins. Remember, you can't vote for your own country, but you can call all your relatives and friends around Europe and pester them into voting for your country. Claudia Faniello needs you.
10.25 Now Imri, singing for Israel to round off the night, knows something about the Eurovision core demographic (c.f. Macedonia). This is a song made for the Euroclub, and beach parties around Europe in the summer. The rest of us? we just have to sort of endure it, don't we? He should be safe for a spot in the final.
10.24 It's also just upbeat and vacuous enough to be one of the favourites, so what do I know about anything?
10.23 This is about Romeo and Juliet, isn't it? Are they starcrossed because they're standing in stars? Why are they so happy at being "lost in Verona"? If I were lost in Verona I'd be, I dunno, checking Google Maps or something. Look, this song is trying way too hard to be something, it's not, is all I'm saying.
10.21 Lithuania's "Rain of Revolution" having passed, as these things do, without much fuss or bother, we're now onto the last two songs of the night, mercifully. Estonia go first.
10.19 More from the Twitterati. Thanks guys, we love you too.
10.17 Lithuania are up next with the band Fusedmark, which comprises a number of musicians, lead singer Viktorija Ivanovskaja, and that thing on her head, which achieved sentience in 2005, and dreamed of taking part in the Eurovision ever since. Viktorija actually wanted to be a painter, but that thing on her head insisted.
10.15 According to the producers, this song is about "a youngster who is facing a world full of darkness that he is living in and is searching for an oasis of light for him and the people he is willing to fight for." Which is just so edgy. And you may scoff. And I may scoff. But that's the sort of moody crap I was writing in my diary at 17 too, so you know, stones and glass houses.
10.13 Ah, Kristian Kastov. Bulgarian teen heart-throb, one of the Eurovision favourites at just 17, and he finished all his homework in time to be here tonight. Respect.
10.11 I genuinely quite liked that song. They were like a jangly Eastern European Mumford and Sons, but on a motorboat. It's well-placed with the bookies to go through, and as a Serious Eurovision Critic, I give them my endorsement.
10.10 Oh sweet lord, Belarus are on a motorboat. They're literally two of the dolls from the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland. I'm in love.
10.08 Is this a good Eurovision show? I really think we've seen better in recent years, but then we've already established good and bad are meaningless constructs here. Thoughts?
10.03 Eurovision Fact: the beloved musical genre of flower-child-with-boldly-cut-dress-and-bed-head-singing-placidly-but-occasionally-bursting-into-passion-while-pastel-clad-musicians-smile-serenely actually appeared on the Eurovision stage for the first time approximately three and a half minutes ago. "I think that's Belle's dress from Beauty and the Beast," Thinks Sherrylene in the inbox. "United are winning at half-time," Thinks my editor, rather more helpfully. No offence Sherrylene, it was a great Thought.
10.01 I just don't see what that staircase achieves, Switzerland, I don't.
9.58 Norway loses points from me instantly, and it's not the generic lyrics, the fact that my "good vibe" is mostly definitely "not buzzing", or even his Kylo Ren drummers. It's the fact that his name is JOWST, and I'm not sure if that's an acronym or something his parents decided to name him so it always seems like he's shouting.
Meanwhile, over in my Thoughts inbox, Warren Sammut is tittering: "Did they change the song representing Malta? And here I thought What We Started was our song!"
9.55 I'm not the only one feeling like he's speaking directly to me, am I? "I pray you see the light and find your way" too, Jacques Houdek. Similar to our own Claudia Faniello, Houdek is here on his sixth attempt at his national competition. He's got a decent shot of going through, and by mixing English with Italian, he's making Jean-Claude English-is-losing-importance Juncker a slightly happier man.
Oh yeah but the thing about the two voices though:
9.53 Eurovision Fact: there has only been one singer cuddlier than this guy from Austria in the history of the Eurovision, and he was actually just a teddy bear someone left on the stage by mistake.
9.52 This song is dead last in the polls, which strikes me as unfair given that it’s not that much worse than anything else on offer. I mean, it's upbeat, it's glittery, and it promises "we can make it through the night", which is something I really needed to hear right now. Anyway, what would even constitute a genuinely bad Eurovision song, relativistically speaking?
9.50 As San Marino take the stage, I have a Genuine Eurovision Fact from my pile. Valentina Monetta, who is the woman, has sung for San Marino four times in the last six years, which just goes to show that, despite three Chiaras and three (combined) Faniellos, we’re not the most unoriginal country in Europe after all.
9.48 Now look, I'm sure there's a lot to say about this one, but none of us are getting past that hot air balloon, are we? I mean, it's an actual hot air balloon. God, I love this show really. I do.
9.46 It's Ireland now, with 11-year old Brendan Murray, a former member of the boyband Hometown, which I haven’t heard of either.
9.45 A lot of you have noticed there is a gap in our reporting about 20 minutes ago. There is a reason for that, which largely consists of me accidentally deleting half this blog while trying to embed a tweet. But my editor is reading this, which is why we stuck with technical troubles in our official line.
9.43 Denmark's Anja - who is actually from Australia because this is Europe and Europe includes Australia as of three years ago - takes the stage with a standard Eurovision pop power ballad type thing. With fire rain to help you feel every. emotion. she. feels. And she's feeling so many emotions.
9.38 After the Netherlands and their weird, robotic dead-eyed Stepford Wives trio - another favourite, by the way, don't ask me - we're onto Hungary. With the strong national elements and that most upbeat of Eurovision themes, ethnic cleansing, this is clearly in the mould of last year’s winner 1944. He's singing in Hungarian, which I actually studied extensively by Googling the lyrics a few minutes ago. “God spoke to me when I was four years old," Joci Pápai sings. "He put a real gun in my hand. I knew only he can take care of me.” This is still Eurovision, right? Where's the glitter?
9.35 A spot of technical trouble means we missed some classic Eurovisioning there. Romania rolled out Ilinca and Alex Florea - and a cannon, and some cartoon sheep. They were yodelling and rapping. Which is great because this evening hadn't quite got bonkers enough yet. Weirdly, it actually worked, and they're one of the favourites for the competition.
9.27 The idea of putting a giant Claudia Faniello behind the human-sized Claudia Faniello was a masterstroke, if you ask me, which nobody is. But that human-sized Claudia Faniello was on pretty good form too, I think. And she nearly burst into tears there at the end, which is quickly becoming a Maltese Eurovision tradition. Maybe enough to go through, with a spit and a prayer?
9.26 She's singing about "dancing alone", there's some generic perfume commercial playing on the screens behind her. It’s all so...lacklustre. No, actually, we have a long night and we shouldn’t mince words. This is bad. Expect it to win.
9.20 Look, I'm not complaining about Macedonia's entry. But given the Eurovision's traditional following, I just feel this outfit appeals to the entirely wrong demographic. The country hasn't been in the final for five years, and maybe understanding this would help them, is all I'm saying.
9.18 I'm personally a big fan of him politely refusing to say the word "ass", a word which I think I'm allowed to say but I'm not sure so feel free to send me your complaints if I'm not. Meanwhile, a Thought! "Some serious High School Musical vibes here," Thinks Elina Zalkalne over in my inbox.
9.16 Next up is Austria with Nathan Trent, who at some point decided his best opening look would be the kid from the Dreamworks logo. The song - Running on Air - just feels like a composite of cutesy, wholesome upbeat songs from years past, one part Måns Zelmerlöw, one part Gianluca Bezzina.
9.15 Although... just hang on a minute. Lone female singer, water imagery, trashy Europop beat, male dancer with only a tangential relation to the main performance? This is just Walk on Water again, isn’t it?
9.12 We're on to the first song, and it's Tijana Bogićević for Serbia. But honestly, what sort of a sadist decided a good way to start would be with the lyrics: “won’t somebody save me now/Feels like I’ve been sentenced to life.” I feel you, Tijana. I do.
9.10 Eurovision classics on Ukrainian folk instruments? All right, Ukraine, whatever, this is your night. Just don't look at us when we eventually win and subject you to Wild Dances on the żaqq.
9.05 And we're off! Our hosts Oleksandr Skichko, Volodymyr Ostapchuk and Timur Miroshnychenko, who nobody can make me try to spell again, start us off by reminding us that nobody knows who they are. But as for bad jokes, these guys promise to be unparalleled: "He's like the internet in shoes," Oleksandr or Volodymyr says of Timur.
8.55 Just a few minutes to go now. The favourites to look out for this year are Bulgaria and their moody 17-year old Kristian Kostov, who has a truly fantastic name. Also keep an eye on Romania, Denmark and the Netherlands, and if someone can keep an eye on the Manchester United game I'd appreciate it because I can't watch it and I'm quite anxious.
8.50 The semi-final is live on TVM or, should you opt for a purer experience, on the official Eurovision YouTube channel. In the meantime, if you want a quick primer on what to expect, have a quick read of one of the many fine preview articles to be found online. Here's one I prepared earlier. Finally, if you have Thoughts, or just want to keep me company through the night, email me on philip.lganado@timesofmalta.com, and I'll upload the best Thoughts right here.
8.45 Good evening Malta! Welcome to our live-blog of the Eurovision Semi-Final in beautiful Kiev, brought to you by our journalist in a deserted office in Valletta.
After several failed attempts over the years, Claudia Faniello has finally made it to the big night, and tonight she will compete against 17 other acts for a place in the Grand Final on Saturday. By all accounts, she's not going to get there, but that's just fake news if you believe hard enough.
The show will be kicking off in less than 15 minutes and I'll be keeping you up to speed with all the costumes, key changes and general madness - maybe even some actual facts if I can find them in this big pile I've printed out - throughout the night, so stay tuned.