I invited my son Tristan to a father-son power weekend to discover and celebrate his gifts, strengths and talents. This weekend not just redefined him, it affirmed our mission together and inspired us to hold a workshop for other fathers and sons who want to grow and play together. This is our story.

Like so many other young boys, I grew up with the illusion that I was not quite good, strong, fast, skilled or clever enough. I felt mediocre, but never great. Secretly I dreamt that one day my dad would look deeply into my eyes with a loving presence and tell me about all the qualities he saw and that he believed in me.

Later, as an adult, my dad started to show his admiration, but he was 20 years too late. Criticising myself and envying everyone else had already invaded my mind and sucked out my personal power. It was only after turning 30 that male friends, spiritual masters and therapists taught me to see and believe in the real me and trust my own brilliance.

Father-and-son moment: Jens Hoverby and his son Tristan.Father-and-son moment: Jens Hoverby and his son Tristan.

Eleven years ago, when holding my first-born son in my arms for the first time, I swore to him I would do everything I could to help him love and appreciate himself as he is.

Then, almost 11 years later, life throws me a ‘curve ball’. My son experienced a little adversity and cried out in anger: “I hate myself and I am not good at anything.” That was when I decided to help him stop this self-destructive habit before he would get lost in it.

When I asked him what his talents and strengths were, he had no clue. His answer stung my heart, so as a personal development coach I challenged myself to help him see, believe and celebrate his unique way of being gifted and talented. I designed a programme that would do the trick. I wanted it extremely simple so we could easily do it over a weekend and yet so powerful that it would elevate awareness of his inner qualities, boost his self-worth, create a deep bond between him and myself and remind him daily of who he is and was growing to become.

Power celebration experience

At first we hung our notes on the wall and Tristan called it his power board. Then we turned it into a portable book. The Power Book is the visible outcome of our journey together, but underneath all the notes and pictures is a wealth of new knowledge, awareness and beliefs about Tristan’s inner power potential.

In step 1, Tristan clarified his passions that motivate him the most and what he likes about them. In step 2, he discovered three fastest ways to grow that are unique to him. He then selected his core character qualities in step 3 and his Disc (to determine dominance, influence, steadiness and conscientiousness) personality profile in step 4. He learned to distinguish his strengths from his weaknesses and that this makes every human being different. We talked about how his strongest sides also make him a potential role model for others to follow.

11 years ago, when holding my first-born son in my arms for the first time, I swore to him I would do everything I could to help him love and appreciate himself as he is

In step 5, we selected 10 pinnacle power moments in Tristan’s life that are a sign of his strength or define what sets him aside from others. Finally, in step 6, he set some goals for how he wanted his character to grow and what he wanted to achieve this year. I promised to help him fulfil his ambitions.

Tristan during a power moment: drawing and knowing he’s missing movie night with his family. Inset: Tristan with his brother Darwin.Tristan during a power moment: drawing and knowing he’s missing movie night with his family. Inset: Tristan with his brother Darwin.

Big breakthrough

Especially when deciding Tristan’s 10 signature power moments, we got a real breakthrough in his awareness and appreciation of his power. This is what happened.

I reminded him of an incident that happened last year, when he, on a Saturday night, went to his study to learn to draw a human eye, while the rest of us were ready with popcorn and a great action movie. He chose learning a passion over entertainment. Immediately, he rejected this incident with frustration: “But dad, I am not good at drawing, so this can’t be one of my power moments!”

Tristan suffered a performance mindset – where he compared his drawing to others. If he believes that he doesn’t measure up, it steals his motivation.

I responded with: “Tristan, neither your drawing skills nor the quality of your drawing is the measure of your power. Your power, however, are the qualities you mobilised to create it. It is not results, but effort. Nobody told you to draw. Your independent initiative, focus and passion for drawing, creating and learning come together so beautifully in this power moment. I see this as one of your signature moments. If you do this again and again, you will most definitely grow into a very skilled, remarkable and successful person!”

As he gradually learned to see himself through my loving and experienced eyes, his self-confidence grew, as did our mutual love.

Power leadership

Besides this breakthrough, that weekend Tristan also learned a lot about managing his own power and what it means for his well-being – how his inner power is the real power that is different from external force.

He understands how it’s the drive that gets him out of bed in the morning. It’s the discipline and courage to do what is right. These are what get him to the finish line when he feels like giving up. He knows how he can choose to throw his power away, steal it from others or share it with others in humility.

When he feels weak or powerless, it is his responsibility to regain it, and he knows how to. He knows that without his inner powers there are no breakthroughs, no prizes and no freedom to get what he needs.

Next step: father-son camp

I believe our primary mission as parents is to empower our children to see what is true and powerful within themselves. Therefore, knowing and believing themselves take precedence over all other learning.

If we fail on this mission, we can set our children up for a stressful and powerless life. They will feel constantly ‘behind on points’, which will lead them to manipulate or outcompete others to prove themselves worthy and strong.

Tristan experienced a breakthrough in how he sees and defines himself. He discovered himself through my eyes. He needs to hear from me that he is seen and adored for who he is – not who I want him to be. This is both a challenge and my purpose as his father.

Bonding us as father and son in a mission to discover and present ‘the best of Tristan’ in his own ‘power book’ was some of the best and most meaningful time we have ever enjoyed together. Personally, I learned that seeing the wonder and awe in Tristan puts me in the present moment, where he feels most at peace.

His experience and belief that I now see and appreciate his power is the greatest gift I have ever given him. It has brought out a more honest, stronger and happier Tristan. For me it’s a treat to hear and see him feel proud of who he is – more confident to step out and show what he is made of.

Jens Hoverby, who lives in Malta, has launched the School for Greatness – with a mission to help boys and men discover what they are made of and to develop their strengths to live their values, talents and passions to the full.

A ‘Father-son power experience’ for fathers and sons who want to grow and play together is being held in March. This six-hour intensive experience will include games and exercises that will challenge one’s inner powers, strengthen bonds and deepen one’s insight into the best and most powerful sides of oneself.

For more information, e-mail jeh@SchoolForGreatness.com.

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