Maltese politics come with a steep learning curve and the whole ‘American’ University of Malta saga was no different. There were the obvious things to be learnt – such as, it's okay to kill off all the greenery as long as you replace it with a money-making machine for the few. And yes, ODZ is just a euphemism for that other nasty Maltese acronym and we don't want any of that now, do we?

But then, there were the other, more subtle lessons. 

 1.       Our government thinks oxygen is processed through concrete, not trees.

 Judging by the current legislation’s modus operandi, the entire cabinet must have missed out on basic science lessons back in primary school. You know the ones, where the teacher explains how trees convert CO2 to oxygen and how the world would be pretty much uninhabitable without greenery?

Our band of merry ministers must have been lumped with defective textbooks which substituted the word ‘trees’ for ‘concrete’, because I don’t see how else they can justify turning Malta into an even drier, more concrete-ridden rock than it already is by robbing us of the little countryside that we have.

Maybe, as the infamous internet meme goes, when all the trees in Malta have been killed off thanks to their greed, they can take their euro notes out of their wallets and try to breathe through those instead. And maybe, their children will be happy rolling around in the kaxxa ta’ Malta instead of in the open fields, but I know that mine won’t. If the kaxxa ta’ Malta actually stands to benefit from this whole deal, that is, something that I have seen no evidence of so far.

2.      There is only so much spin you can put on something before it all goes Frank Underwood, Season 3 on you.

Our government thinks that it can feed us any old whopper and we will buy into it willingly, no questions asked. We’ve seen it happen with the whole Café Premiere saga, when we were expected to believe all the turns and counter-turns made by government until nothing made sense anymore and we just gave up in despair.

It also happened with the spring hunting referendum, when the prime minister took everyone for a ride and closed the season a couple of days before it was meant to close anyway. Care to bet that was the plan all along? He probably thought it would keep the hunters happy (they got three weeks out of four) and would also mollify the environmentalists (he kept his word and closed the season in the face of blatant law breaking). What he got, instead, was a pissed off electorate because everyone felt they had been cheated.

Now, he is going for Round 3 with this whole university thing. First it was sold to us as a branch of the prestigious De Paul University. Upon being called out on the lie, the spin changed to “no, what we meant was that they’re designing the curriculum”.

Finally, when the ODZ backlash hit, the university was promoted to Saviour of the South, an essential project unless we want to see Paola and beyond being eaten up by dinosaurs. Which brings me neatly to...

3.      There's a good chance our cabinet sneaked out of geography classes when Teacher wasn’t looking.

Otherwise, why do the ministers keep bleating on about ‘The South’, as though Malta were 2,700 kilometres in length, as opposed to 27? There is no such thing as ‘the south’ in Malta, at least not with upper case honorifics. And especially not when spelt ‘is-Sawt’.

So, back to Geography 101: Malta does come, of course, equipped with a southern and a northern tip, as most islands tend to. This does not make ‘the south’ and ‘the north’ geographical entities worthy of being treated independently of each other.

Suggesting that sections of Malta need to be treated any differently to others is ridiculous. Not unless we are talking specific action plans to counteract very specific issues, which we aren't.

Granted that, historically, there have been cultural differences between the lifestyles of those who live in St Julian’s (to give things their full stereotypical glory) and those who live in, say, Marsaskala. That difference is mostly of our own making and very much on its way out. Any politician who encourages it has no place in 2015 politics.

4. It’s a university, not a can of beans.

Or, to put it less fancifully, using labels instead of rational explanations is not going to wash. The government only has one stock reply whenever the legitimacy of this ODZ development (spot the oxymoron, or the moron) is questioned: this university is the saviour of the south.

Coming up with a catchy label is only too easy. But the prime minister needs to explain exactly how replacing 50-odd acres of green land at Zonqor Point with a foreign, fee-based university is going to improve the lives of those who happen to live beyond the Marsa by-pass. Otherwise, I’m afraid that I’m just not seeing it. And neither is anyone else.

Are students resident in the area going to be admitted for free, maybe? Chance would be a fine thing.

Will the project reduce unemployment in that specific area? I think not, given that a university has very specific recruitment requirements.

Apart from a minor increase in the flow of business in Marsaskala (if that) I fail to see how this university is going to be an asset to neighbouring towns and villages. Which means that it’s not much of a ‘project for the south’, now is it?

5.      Malta will soon get its starring role in the next season of ‘Community’.

The American University of Malta comes with questionable accreditation, dodgy provenance and a reputation (already established even on an international level) as a tree killer. Decent students will not touch it with a barge pole. Instead, we can look forward to a steady influx of students who would only be accepted at community colleges because… well... Nowhere else wants them. The only difference is that it won't be free for them.

Where does the University of Malta fit into all this? On a par with its newer sibling, of course. Which leaves Maltese students in a bit of a tight spot. With all its faults, the UoM – which, let’s not forget, is free for locals – currently enjoys a decent enough reputation at an international level.

It might not be the most forward-looking, streamlined or efficient of institutions, but a UoM qualification is generally accepted by foreign employers, even by the most reputable companies.

Well, we can wave goodbye to all that after the Saviour of the South has tarred it with the same sleazy brush.

 

 

 

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