Extract from the proceedings of the House of Representatives of the People of the Republic of All Ours Land: Written Questions & Answers (Ref. 5637/SPK/2015 HORPQS)

PQ 23123 To the Minister for Home Affairs, Mass Catering & Security

Would the Minister kindly enlighten the House as to whether an inquiry within the ranks of cooks, waiters and bus-boys engaged within the Catering Corps falling under the purview of the Minister has been held regarding the breach of traffic regulations that occurred with the complicity and connivance of motorised elements of the Corps on the Great & Glorious First of May of the Year of Our Lord 2015 ("Workers' Day") when a Cabinet colleague of the Hon. Minister was directed to break the law and drive on the wrong side of the road, to say nothing of endangering public order by annoying multitudes of drivers and their passengers stuck in traffic while heading to the North Island of the Republic's archipelago for a day out?

Hon. Minister

I am informed by my minions that the Minister concerned was proceeding to the North Island and was not in the mood to wait with the common masses: in the spirit of ensuring that members of the Cabinet are treated with the deference that they deserve given that the Republic is "All Ours", motorised elements of the Corps ensured that he and his retinue, who are very much more important than commoners and plebs, were ushered through.  No inquiry is needed except to ensure that the individuals on duty are recognised for their slavish adherence to the policies and procedures that underpin the privileges due to members of the Cabinet.

PQ 23124 To the Minister for Family Values and Respect for the Community

With reference to PQ 23123, attached for ease of reference, to the Hon. Minister's Cabinet colleague, would the Minister kindly enlighten the House as to the nature of his mission to the North Island and what elements of this mission to the said North Island necessitated his eagerness to get there in such a rush, considering that the day in question was a Public Holiday and that to the best of the questioner's knowledge, there was nothing happening in the North Island of a nature that imperatively required Ministerial attendance, with retinue?

Hon. Minister

I invite the Hon. Questioner to refer the matter to the Minister for the North Island who will no doubt be able to elucidate to the Hon. Questioner's complete satisfaction what I was going to be doing in the North Island and why I was in such a rush to get there.   I am sure that the Hon. Questioner will understand that I cannot be obliged to talk about matters that affect the portfolio of a Cabinet colleague.

PQ 23125 To the Minister for the North Island

With reference to PQs 23123 and 23124, both attached for ease of reference, given that the questioner saw this coming, would the Minister kindly enlighten the House as to the nature of his Cabinet colleague's urgent mission to the North Island and the contribution made to the Treasury of the North Island as a result of the sojourn of the Minister, and his retinue, there, with particular reference to the amount of Customs Excise Tax paid by the said Cabinet colleague and, as a supplementary, whether any vessel of the North Island Line was recalled to jetty to upload the Cabinet colleague and his retinue?

Hon. Minister

My minions inform me that there was no event that required the presence of the Hon. Minister and his retinue who are therefore to be assumed to have been on a private or party visit to the North Island: I was not myself within the confines of the North Island, as I try to avoid crowds, and as such am not in a position to verify whether the Hon. Minister made any contribution to the Treasury of the North Island.  Recall of North Island Lines vessels is a privilege reserved only to the Minister responsible for same, namely yours truly.

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*for those terminally bereft of a sense of humour, this is a flight of fancy

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