I’m fully aware that the police’s job is not to attract tourists to Malta, and I know that it’s certainly not in their interest to attract more mischievous young students to our shores, but for peace’s sake, do they have to make our little islands sound like downtown Detroit?

I’m referring to the video that was released by the Malta Police Force yesterday, supposedly to ‘warn’ tourists about the perils of the islands and advising them on how to stay safe during their stay here.

It is mainly aimed at young students, typically young English language students, who tend to inundate our island over the summer months.

Whilst I can see that a lot of effort went into the making of this video, and that it is well intentioned, sadly they couldn’t have got it more wrong even if they tried.

Here are 10 reasons why this video won’t work:

1. YAWN - It’s too long. The average teenager has the attention span of a flee on heat. With this generation anything longer than 30 seconds is a complete waste of time and effort. The video is over seven minutes long.

2. Hello, it’s your mother. The narrator could very easily be the target audience’s mother, and as any mother of any teenager can tell you, teenagers don’t listen to their mothers. They listen to their peers or to their idols, but they won’t listen to their mothers, at least not for another few years.

3. It’s not true. Maybe I’ve been living under this rock and not on it but if you ask me, Malta is not half as bad, or as dangerous, as they make it out to be in the video.

4. It’s so serious, it’s funny, but not in a good way. In its attempt to discourage youngsters from jumping from heights into the sea, the video shows a shot of a lifeless young man perched on a rock face down with his head bleeding into the sea. Puhhlease!! A little melodramatic anyone?

5. It’s not fair. They warn these young people that running around in bikinis or without a top on is illegal, but they don’t warn them about the unsightly hairy butt cracks that they will inadvertently be exposed to every time they pass a construction site.

6. Bad timing. From all the visuals that could have been timed to accompany the voice that says ‘do not drink too much, do not make yourself vulnerable,’ the producers chose footage of a couple kissing gently in a nightclub. Find me a teenager that will not roll his eyes into their forehead when they see that, and and I’ll find you a pink hedgehog with four eyes.

7. It’s patronising. Towards the end the voice over says, “As you begin your stay and experience here in Malta please show some respect.” Puhhlease! This kind of downward talk should only be used by parents talking to their own children and, (maybe) teachers talking to their pupils.

8. It’s misleading – pick pocketing is not such an issue and who on earth can afford a siesta nowadays?

9. It states the obvious - where in the world is underage drinking and smoking not illegal?

10. It is ultimately ineffective – at the end of the day it will attract and possibly influence parents who will think twice about sending their children to Malta, but it will most certainly go over every teenager’s head.

In essence, if I worked for the Malta Tourism Authority, I’d be having a fit!