Although never a good idea, hurling insults at others for their driving shenanigans gives us that irreplaceable momentary shot of satisfaction that on more than one occasion has landed me into a lot of trouble. I once had the guard outside the Prime Minister’s Office literally ‘jump’ to my rescue after a mini James Bond-like car chase starting from Porte de Bomb ended on the steps of Castille Place.

Furthermore the use of the Maltese language in most instances comes as a natural instinct and is a language that adds much offensive value to the insult.

However, since that incident (and a few more after) I decided to work on my attitude and rather than point middle fingers and shout insults at others, I tend to bite my tongue more often and confine the insults to within the insides of my car.

However, I also have taken up the habit of using acronyms (I read an article on how amusing this could be) rather that direct insults. Yes acronyms which might not mean much to others in any language but which still fire that shot of satisfaction in my blood.

What do I mean? A car is coming in the opposite direction with his fog lights on. Rather than using vulgar expressions and gesticulations I’d tell him to SOTOF (Switch Off Those Ostentatious Fogs).

I’d call the driver blocking my way in the outer lane a MOBIRU (Move Off Before I Ram You). On the other hand, the tailgater causing me stress behind my rear would be a KABIB (Keep Away Before I Brake). A UTDI is a guy crossing lanes without warning – (Use The Damn Indicators) and a person picking his nose and eating it in the car next to me is a DOME (Dirty Old Mucus Eater).

What about that octogenarian OAF (Old Arrogant Fart) driving at 10 km/h in a single lane road. Or the MIT who double-parked his car blocking all traffic (Mela It-triq Tiegħek!). The woman applying make-up when the lights have turned green would be a SCAD (Stop Caking And Drive) and, Oh yes, nearly forgot, OUCH (Only Useless Cowards Hide) is for the warden hiding round the corner at the Kappara Roundabout.

So rather than getting myself into trouble these days, this is what I do to vent my anger in a more amusing way. I recommend you give it a go, but one word of serious advice: If you see a Pathetic Useless Fool Texting Ambidextrously while driving in Mellieħa just don’t say anything!

motoring@timesofmalta.com