[attach id=202972 size="medium"]‘Ladies do not break wind, of course, we all know that.’[/attach]
Maltese news these days can make you laugh and weep simultaneously and hysterically.
Cruise has a bit of penchant for noiselessness. The tabloids told us that ‘brave’ Katie even had to give birth in total silence- Kristina Chetcuti
So for the sake of our sanity, let’s think outside our shores today, shall we? Let’s talk a bit about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and their marriage break-up. Let’s put our gossip hat on.
Because, aren’t we all intrigued? Column inches have been dedicated to what could have gone wrong: he thought he was an alien, he was too smarmy, he had the short-man syndrome, he had a liking to jumping on the sofas, and last but not least, he kept insisting that they buy a house in Qormi with a living room the size of a football ground. I have nothing against Qormi, of course. But, come on Tom, Qormi?
However, the real reason for their break-up never made it to the news. Because it was – whisper – something-that-must-not-be-named. As you may know, Cruise, because of the cult he follows, has a bit of penchant for noiselessness. The tabloids told us that ‘brave’ Katie even had to give birth in total silence.
And so, a friend of mine, versant in ways of guys, strongly believes that the reason for the split was Katie being caught off guard. She must’ve broken wind. At the sound and the whiff, our Tom’s floppy hair spiked up and all hell, um, broke loose.
“Yes. I’m sure that that’s what happened,” said this savvy friend as she explained her scent-sational theory. “I got dumped by a boyfriend once – after six months – because I tooted in front of him.”
You’ve realised by now that today’s column is not for the faint-hearted. So if you’ve been to a Swiss finishing school and you chew your food exactly 10 times and brush your hair a hundred times before you sleep, turn over to the crossword puzzle. Because we’re going to be talking about this flatulence business.
My friends were duly straw-polled, roll-called and quizzed. Mostly I fired the question during lunch, so I had to be real quick, lest it affect the degustation: “So, erm, doyoufartinfrontofyourbetterhalf?”
This was invariably accompanied by a tiny pause, a slight clatter of the fork on the plate.
“What are you writing about, now?” sighed one friend.
To cut a long story short, the answer was yes – wind blows free for all at home. Then he expressly asked me to write down that half of this column belongs to him, seeing as I’m always extracting quotes off him. Which is, of course, only partially true: the stocks and shares of this column are equally divided between nine long-suffering friends who are willing (but mostly, bribed) to partake with their wisdom.
However, on this expelling-air query all my girlfriends were very happy to share their stories and I was regaled, over mains and desserts, to tales about ‘the first time it happened’ in front of their significant other.
“He started it and has regretted it ever since.”
“This evening, like every other, we’ll be having a fireworks competition.”
“It’s one of the reasons why I like winter: we have wind matches under the quilt.”
Most of the boys were equally effusive. One, a linguist, pointed out that in Maltese there’s even a particular word, xatrambatra, which according to Aquilina’s dictionary means ‘a dried long gourd which formerly served to break wind into it when in bed to prevent the stink spreading’.
Another one, still in football mode, remarked that recently in the UK, a referee issued a yellow card to a player (of some obscure team or other) for ‘breaking wind’ as a penalty was being taken. He was apparently chided for his ‘ungentlemanly conduct’ and unceremoniously booked.
“What was the guy meant to do? He’d have missed the penalty if he kept it in.”
Another one said he thinks it’s great fun: “And I’m far too lazy to get out of the room every time nature calls.”
But then along came two guys with shocking answers.
One looked at me and said: “I do. But I get a bit angry if she does.” (Yes, I did call him a chauvinist).
And another composed himself in manner of a British colonial lord and said: “Ladies do not break wind, of course, we all know that”.
At which his wife rolled her eyes, but then admitted that yes, she has to go through the hassle of leaving the room every time.
So it is for men like these – and Cruise – that one needs to learn the basic rule of a couple’s farting etiquette: cover up an emission by a sudden burst of chatter.
“It is the best technique used to distract attention in such a situation,” said my dumped-for-natural-causes friend.
If only Katie knew this trick.
krischetcuti@gmail.com