In his first ever interview with the local press, Malta’s intrepid comic – er, sorry journalist – gives Ramona Depares his opinion about everything from Arriva buses to Maltese politicians and Lou Bondi’s backside. He also makes her sweat buckets trying to translate his replies into Queen’s English that doesn’t require an 18+ classification. The writer was last seen walking off into the distance, muttering to herself and tearing up her notebooks.

Użgurrrrrrrrrrr.

I hear Jonny l-Kajboj’s voice before I actually see him. As I cautiously approach the ħanut tat-te` where we were supposed to meet, I can see that he has already gathered an audience of admirers. His trademark Użgurrrrrrr punctuates every other sentence.

I’m half tempted to turn tail and run. There ARE limits after all to what I’m prepared to go through for my readers. And from what I can see, Jonny l-Kajboj’s notoriety seems to be well-deserved. A buxom female blonde makes the mistake of walking right by the table where Jonny’s downing his larger (his words, not mine).

Bumba ħi.

The “compliment” rings out loud and clear and Jonny makes some rather unsavoury gesture in the direction of the hapless girl. Not that she seems to be minding the attention mind you, I note with distaste as she actually throws a flirty smile in his direction.

I start to turn away while his attention is otherwise occupied but sadly it’s too late.

Aw ħi, inti l-ġurnalista hux?

Reluctantly I admit as much and, putting on my sternest and most professional expression, I start conducting the interview.

Why did Jonny L-Kajboj decide to go public?

Mela l-ewwel ħaġa nies... jien qatt ma mort public, l-aqqas fejn jiġi ma naf. Jien sa li States mort u ġejt lura. Hemm kollox bomba għandhom, kollox sabiħ u kbir. Taf li anke il-gażżetta tagħhom hemm ikbar man? Mhux bħal haw.. biex tara ritratt ta mara fuq gażżetta trid titwerreċ. Hemm tant kemm huma kbar ir-ritratti li  n-nisa taħsibom ħa jaqbzu fuqek. Ismani! Int gieli mort public? Ma tridx imorru flimkien ux?

Why do you call yourself the Kajboj? I don’t think we ever saw you going around on a horse!

Hahaha, kemm int funny. Tgħidx x’nidhaq u nitgħawweġ. L-ewwel nett,  jien jgħiduli Jonny il-Kajboj, mhux the Kajboj. It-tieni ħaġa, m’hemmx għalfejn ikollok żiemel biex tkun Kajboj. Taf kemm għandna Kajbojs Malta?  Min isuq bl-addoċċ, dak Kajboj; xi wieħed  jipparkja fuq il-bankina, dak Kajboj.  Xi wieħed bil-mixer tal-konkos għaddej iwaddab il-konkos frisk fuq triq gdida... Dawk kajbojs...   Kajbojs  irġiel ta’ veru, kif għandhom ikunu. Mela ħafna tfal tal-papa.  Issa lili, peres li jafu li jien raġel ta’ veru, u ġejt mill-iStates... qalugħili Jonny il-Kajboj.  U jixraqli ha nghidlek... bumba man!

Did you get to this interview by bus?  Give us your experience!

Ara ħi, ssemilix l-interview. Għax għamluli interview biex nidħol mal-Arriva.  Qaluli over the kwalifikajd u poġġewni fil-wejtin lis.    Xbajt nistenna u mort inkellem ħabib, u qalli li ħa jkellem lil ta’ fuqu.. u ta’ fuqu lil ta’ fuqu... u suppost waslet għand Dottor Gatt. Jien Austin nafu.   Ok fhimt illi jien forsi naqra iktar intelliġenti minn xi uħud li laqqas jafu jagħtu l-bqija. Imma b’daqshekk ma kellix indum dad-dewmien kollu. Għamilt il-coarse tal-custimerscare,  u trakkijiet xbajt insuq.  U orejthom kemm jien kapaċi man. Waqt it-test tal-liċenzja, it-truck fuq żewġ roti dawwartu... dak jikkwartja!  Insomma issa bħal issa qed infittex lil Austin, forsi jdaħħalni.   Anke interview jien ipprivajt neħodlu, imma ħarab. Użguuurrrr li jaħrab. Għax kien jaf x’gej għalih. Hemm kellimni ghal experjants, insib ruħi ġo kamra jien u Austin.

So are you still looking for Austin? What will you tell him when you find him?

Uzguuurrr. Ma nistax insibu b’xejn. Xi ngħidlu?  Insaqsieh jekk hux veru ħa jirrizenja, ħalli nserrah rasi!

The buses are becoming a bit of an old topic now. How about telling us what you think about the censorship situation in Malta? We have MPs wanting to ban adult channels and people prosecuted for adult material. Is Jonny planning a crusade about this?

Crusade? Mela qed taħsibni La Valette jew? Jien ikolli x’nagħmel ta! U dal-ħafna kullħadd jilagħba tad-dejjaq. Min iħobb jara xi mara mġissma, mhux tiftah naqa l-internet man? Ħa ngħidlek, ħabib tiegħi urieni kif u ili min dak inhar ma mmiss mara. X’kull mara hemm alla jbierek.. X’ma jiċċensurawhomx. Biex joqgħodu jgawdu huma. Imma hemm, bl’Ingliż darba smajthom jgħidu “if the mountains don’t come to you, you go to the mountains”. Użguuuuuurrrrr!!

Do people ever get offended by your journalistic endeavours?

Kemm titkellem tqil sinjorina ħi. People get offended? Ok sa hemm fthemna. Imma, endeavours xi jkunu dawn? Minn dawk li jqassmu fit tiġijiet ?

Have things ever gotten out of hand, have you ever been attacked or anything of the sort? If such a thing were to happen what would you do?

X’out of hand. Fejn hemm Jonny il-kajboj kollox under controlled.  Ġurnalista ħi, with me you feel safe. No-one touch you. No-one ipespislek. No-one look where mhux suppost. One look in my eye, u bye bye!

So do you think the Maltese take themselves too seriously or?

Ħafnnaaa... speċjalment hemm dak, Pawlu Borg Olivier. Għandu ħarsa ta’ dwejjaq fuqu!  Imma dak għax bniedem serju hux.

What’s with your haircut? Lou Bondi says it’s ugly... Do you have anything to tell him?

Aħjar jara naqra xagħaru s-Sur Lou Bundi.  Minn wara li qatgħu qasir, sal-lum ma biddillux il-forma. Sab xejp u baqa’ bih, ir-rock star. Jixtieq is-sur Bundi għandu xagħari. Ara kemm iżegleg iktar patattu meta jkun qed idoqq ma’  tax- Xibka Rock. Kemm iferfira il-frenza kieku ma’ tal-eurovixin! Ismani Bundi... meta trid, niġi fuq il-programm u nġennek.

Who’s your favourite politician and why?

Justyne Caruana għax meta tilbes l-abjad tħawwadli l-wires...  U Għawdxija u jien għandi xi ħaġa għall-Għawdxin.

Would you consider going out for Parliament?

Bil-paga li għandhom nitħajjar ħa ngħidlek. Imma dwejjaq tara dejjem l-istess uċuh, kulljum. Fl-istess karma, taħdem bl-addoċċ, l-anqas naqa ħin biex taqla’ lira żejda minn x’imkien, tinkwieta fuq ħaddiehor.  Ifhimni, dik vokazzjoni.  Jien il-vokazzjoni tiegħi mhux dik.  Jien nippreferi noqgħod fuq is-sufan, bil-birra ħdejja.

You’re a popular ladies’ man right Jonny? What is your seduction technique?

Użguuurrr!!! Ngħid il-verita ma nafx x’inhi eżatt u għala jiġu daqshekk attractive lejja. Miż-żagħar sal-kbar. Kieku jistgħu ma jtunix nifs. Jew ir-riħa... jew il-harsa, il-vuċi. In-nisa ma taqbdilhomx irkaptu, u għalxejn tipprova. Allura dawk l-irġiel kollha li qed jistennew parir minn għandi, ngħidilhom... don’t worry,  jekk qtajt qalbek sib oħra. Leave the lady to the profexinals.

Which Maltese celebrity would you want to take out and where would you go with her?

Lil Ira losco. X’nagħmilla... użgurrr!! Where I take her, to the end of the world. Fejn ma jsibna ħadd.  Għanda x-chassis bumba, armata qisha tal-fabbrika. Imma hoy, modified ejj... qisha tal-kumpetitions. First second u third ħa ngħidlek. Żejt, filters,  bid-dawl b’kollox niċċekjala. Nitfagħha fit-truck u ngħidilha... Run, now Jonny will come catch you. Użguuuuurrr.

Jonny L-Kajboj’s Offixal Pejg on Facebook has over 6K fans. Why do people like you so much?

Di tas-6k ma niflagħhiex eh. Jaqaw int minn Tas-Sliema? Minn dawn tal-OMG?  Ajma xi ħlew! U jien naf għala! Il-mummy tgħid għax gużtuz. U l-mara tgħidli għax boloh bħalek. Issa ma nafx fuq min ħa noqgħod!

What was your most interesting experience abroad?

Nirkeb iż-żiemel... tal-luna park.

I heard there is a shocking video of you going round on Internet. Is that really you? How do you defend yourself!

Int fuq liema wieħed qed titkellem. Għax hemm koċċ ta!  Imma jekk hemm miktub Jonny il Kajboj,  dak jien. X’defend myself, I don’t need to.

You know we’re all about good movies, music, books etc at the TV Guide. Tell us which is your favourite movie, book and band.

Movie - Fast and the Fjurjos. Tgħidx kemm ikissru karozzi.   Book,  ma nafx ta ma nħobbx naqra.   Band - tar-rap. Rnb bħall tal-USA u xi naqra country ta’ Jonny Cash. Le mhux Jonny Cash ta’ Malta, allovulja dak issa mhux l-Ewropa qieghed?  X’għamluh? Kummissarju?  M’għandiex Kummissarju diġa tal-pulis?

When is Jonny’s next public appearance?

Bla kondixin 2011. U min irid, jista’ jkellimni fuq il-Facebook offixjal page.

Don’t you think you’re a bit wasted here? Maybe it’s time to get that ticket to Hollywood?

Wasted? Int bis serjeta? Holliwood... u  x’Holliwood. Jien hawn man relax. Jew haw jew li States. Mur int Holliwood.

...and for non-Maltese speakers...

Why did Jonny L-Kajboj decide to go public?

I have never gone to public. I only went as far as the States and I came back. Did you ever go to public? We can go together...

Why do you call yourself the Kajboj? We never saw you going around on a horse...

What a funny woman you are. You don’t need a horse to be a Kajboj. Kajbojs are real men not like all the daddy’s boys we have now. And since I’m a real man they started calling me Il-Kajboj.

Did you get to this interview by bus?  Give us your experience!

Don’t mention interviews to me. I had an interview with Arriva and they said I’m over-qualified. It’s true I’m more intelligent than most but why should I be left hanging like this? I tried to find Austin maybe he sorts things out but I didn’t manage.

So are you still looking for Austin? What will you tell him when you find him?

Of course. But I can’t find him.

The buses are becoming a bit of an old topic now. How about telling us what you think about the censorship situation in Malta? We have MPs wanting to ban adult channels and people prosecuted for adult material. Is Jonny planning a crusade about this?

Crusade? Did you take me for a knight? I’m a busy man. Those who want to see a woman can go on the Internet. They want to censor that so they keep all the good stuff for themselves!

Do people ever get offended by your journalistic endeavours?

What are endeavours? Like those things that they give out during wedding parties?

Have things ever gotten out of hand, have you ever been attacked or anything of the sort? If such a thing were to happen what would you do?

If I’m there it’s all under control. You’re safe with me! No-one will dare touch you because one look in my eye and it’s bye bye.

So do you think the Maltese take themselves too seriously or?

Yes, especially that one, called Pawlu Borg Olivier.

What’s with your haircut? Lou Bondi says it’s ugly... Do you have anything to tell him?

Lou Bondi should have a look at his hair. Always the same shape, he thinks he’s a rockstar! He wishes he looked like me!

Who’s your favourite politician and why?

Justyne Caruana because when she wears white she gets me going. And because she’s Gozitan. I like Gozitans.

Would you consider contesting the elections?

I don’t want to work so hard. They don’t even let you do a part-time job to get something extra. It’s a vocation, it is. My vocation is different. It involves sitting on the sofa drinking beer.

You’re a popular ladies’ men right Jonny? What is your seduction technique?

I don’t know why women can’t leave me alone. If it was up to them I wouldn’t have time to breathe!

Which Maltese celebrity would you want to take out and where would you go with her?

Ira Losco. Class A woman. Beautiful chassis, I wouldn’t mind giving her a thorough service.

Jonny L-Kajboj’s Offixal Pejg on Facebook has over 6K fans. Why do people like you so much?

I have no clue. My mother says it’s ‘cos I’m handsome. My wife says it’s ‘cos they’re all losers like me. I don’t know who to believe.

What was your most interesting experience abroad?

Riding the funpark carousel.

I heard there is a shocking video of you going round on Internet. Is that really you? How do you defend yourself!

Which one do you mean, because there are many. If there’s written Jonny L-Kajboj, it’s me allright!

You know we’re all about good movies, music, books etc at the TV Guide. Tell us which is your favourite movie, book and band.

Movie - Fast and the fjurjos.. I don’t know about any books, I don’t read. As for music, rap and Jonny Cash. Not Malta’s own Jonny Cash because he’s in Europe now. I think he’s a commissioner. But we already had one of those.

When is Jonny’s next public appearance?

During Bla Kondixin 2011 but speak to me on my Facebook offixjal page.

 Don’t you think you’re a bit wasted here? Maybe it’s time to get that ticket to Hollywood?

You’re kidding right? I want to stay here...relaxed. You can go to Hollywood if you like.