Last Sunday I dedicated my regular column in The Sunday Times to my dear father who died last week. I will not write about him but I will here reflect on some of the things I learned in the past four years or so, during which my late father lived in an old people’s home. I can say that during the same period even I almost lived in the same environment. I visited him every day. I had a first hand experience of old age the needs of old people; the care provided (I discussed this with many others whose parents were in other homes) and the reaction of relatives.

The decision to ask a dear old relative to leave his or her home to live in place away from home is painful indeed. I never took a more painful decision in my whole life. I was fortunately helped by professionals from Zammit Clapp Hospital who explained to me and my siblings the inevitability of the decision. They also provided counselling. All this notwithstanding, the decision is a traumatic one. It will be more traumatic in cases where the old relatives actively oppose the decision. At least we were spared that pain.

Living longer. Living better?

It is very clear that thanks to the progress of medical science and better living conditions people are living longer lives. The question is whether they are enjoying a better quality of life. There is no doubt that to a certain extent the answer is in the affirmative. However, to another extent the answer is in the negative. We increased longevity without building the social infrastructure needed always to guarantee a better quality of life. People are living longer lives in a culture where families are smaller. The comfort and support that old people could get within the parameters of extended families is outdated. Present day nuclear families are not equipped to care for the old within the family structure. They are too small and too busy to be able to care for their loved ones even if they want to care.

Time and money

Caring for old people is costly. Some can afford the money; others cannot. To-day service that is offered in Government homes had improved enormously. On more than one occasion, I have, praised the service given in JPII Ward 2 in St Vincent de Paul Residence. There are many private homes giving sterling service. My experience of Casa Antonia was a positive one. The service given in some other homes leaves a lot (and sometimes a little) to be desired. Parts of the problems are due to the fee charged. Good service demands good money. Homes that charge modest fees can only give modest services. Perhaps more private/public partnerships can serve part of the problem. The Government/Church experiment in Zejtun should lead to more co-operation between the Government and homes run by the Church, which are being run at a loss.

Besides money, caring for old people is time consuming. Among those who afford the money, you find many who cannot or do not want to afford the time. From my own observations, I could see old people regularly visited by relatives. Some residents were visited every day. Others, on the other hand, were totally abandoned.

I remember a case of an old woman who was hardly ever visited by anyone. When she died, the obituary in the papers carried a very long list with the names of those who “grieved” her death. Had the writer of the obituary been an honest man, he would have introduced the long list of “mourners” by the phase “happy that she died ….”. The woman, I was told, was very rich. All the prospective heirs who hibernated while she lived, came to life when she died.

I was told that some old people are visited only once a month. Their relatives come to pick up the cheque with the reduced pension rate. Some pick up the cheque without bothering to visit the old relatives. Such hard heartedness truly exists.

Old people are also very vulnerable. There are persons who abuse them a lot. They offer them care and attention – which the old persons mistake for love – only until they are made the sole heirs! Some people are cruel indeed.

Professional service needed

This egotism is in sharp contrast with the professional service and genuine care that is offered by many workers in old people’s homes. I witnessed many carers who really cared and nurses who really nursed. Working with old people is not an easy job. They can be very demanding. They have so many needs that they sometimes forget that others have needs as well. They give the impression that they are egoistic. However, their perceived egoism is nothing but a defence mechanism. Due to this people working with old people should not be there just for the job. Dedication is essential but training is equally important.

The Beatles’ song from which the title of this piece is taken was written about forty years ago. At that time 64 was considered to be an old age. To-day it is not similarly considered. As people live longer lives, we meet situations where the old are asked to care for the older. I knew of a seventy-year-old man caring for his mother who was approaching hundred! Probably the old gentleman could do with some help himself. Home care and support is essential if we wish that people will stay in their homes longer and longer. A lot is being done, but more can be d