I’ll bet you didn’t know that we also feature prominently in the current crop of security threatening Wigglyleaks that are stupefying the world at this time.

Oh yes, diplomatic cables to both the Pentagon and The White House have been sent from the centre of the world – yes, that’s right: Malta.

So far none have actually been leaked to the world’s media by Julian Assange and his associates, but they will be. So I, Sylvanus, with my public service truss on, have decided to get in first and reveal what is being said about us in the privacy of the diplomatic bag. And pretty hot stuff it is too, I can tell you. So without further ado (or adon’t), here goes.

The first priceless gems to be intercepted by Wigglyleaks, and intended for publication, concern internal matters here in Malta and are as follows.

“It is thought unlikely that the Maltese Prime Minister will soon, or at any time in the future, divorce his wife.”

There’s more juicy stuff:

“The Leader of the Opposition in the Maltese Parliament is thought to be going a bit thin on top.”

And to round up this first batch of revelations. What about this for dynamite: “We do not feel that Malta is currently contemplating a full-scale invasion of either Tunisia or Algeria.”

Wow! I’ll bet you didn’t know that, eh?

But the second batch of Wigglyleaks on Malta is – if anything – even more explosive.

Try this for starters: “It is our considered opinion that the Malta international soccer team will not yet be challenging for major honours in either the World Cup or even the EUFA Nations Cup.” That should dash a few hopes and expectations.

And how about Malta as Iran? One highly confidential report back to base stated: “In our opinion we do not – at the moment – feel Malta is equipped to manufacture a nuclear device, or even to develop a source of enriched uranium.” That ought to put a few minds at rest.

It gets better as the e-mails home get spicier: “We have so far been unable to cast any light on the persistent rumours that during the past year Osama Bin Laden has been hiding out in the caves overlooking Magħtab valley. We shall, however, pursue the matter further.”

Fame at last, or what?

And this Wigglyleak certainly bends credibility: “Even after extensive consultation with our sleeper cell, we can still neither confirm nor deny the persistent rumour that Malta’s sister island of Gozo intends declaring independence from its ‘big’ sister in the near future.”

The very latest batch of revelations is by far the most explosive yet. For instance: “The most popular Maltese TV game show on the island is called Xarabank. It airs on Friday evenings and, from what we could discern, the winner is that person on the panel who is able to shout louder than all the other panelists.”

Well, we knew that already, didn’t we? But this next Wigglyleak will really make you think: “In Malta, the most popular pastime among a certain class of Maltese males is something called ‘Casher’ or ‘Catcher’. This entails men dressing up as sort of latter-day Che Guevaras, then striding around what little countryside remains on this overdeveloped rock, while carrying an expensive shotgun, then killing as many sparrows and swallows as they can reload for.” True or what?

And on another peculiarly Maltese pastime, this is a particularly apposite Wigglyleak: “We feel this month we must correct the information released in last month’s highly confidential report. The loud explosions reported in that report were not in fact a carpet bombing raid by some renegade regime, but a fireworks display. We are reliably informed that such ear-shattering infernos are part and parcel of Maltese culture. Further comment is superfluous.”

And amen to that. But we’ve saved the best Wigglyleak for last. Make of this what you will. In the very latest communiqué to the Pentagon in Washington, the following observation was made: “There is a very strong possibility that the St Tracy Band Club and Philharmonic Society in Paceville is in fact an elaborate cover for an Al Qaeda sleeper cell.”

Ooh, er!