I learnt something recently – something so incredible, so ludicrous, I can hardly believe it’s true. But it is, apparently.

It is now a fact that – you’re going to love this – those denizens of disaster the local wardens and, would you believe, the police, can now (you truly will not believe this) stop and charge motorists seen using a mobile phone while driving.

Unbelievable! Totally off the wall! I mean, for God’s sake, it’s when I’m driving that I need to use my mobile most of all. In fact, I make most of my important calls in my car on the way to work in the morning; doesn’t everybody? They – the grey faceless ones – say it’s apparently dangerous to use a mobile while driving. What utter rubbish!

Listen: I am a very busy man. I am also a very important one and I desperately need people – the common people, that is – to see just how busy and important I am, phoning and texting as I drive my top-of-the-range BMW to the office in the morning, or from the office to my villa in Kappara in the evening.

So whether it’s illegal or not, I have to use my mobile while driving... bilfors. And anyway, what am I supposed to do if somebody phones me while I’m whizzing along Regional Road? Am I supposed to ignore the call?

Don’t be ridiculous: nine times out of 10 it will be an important business call, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to pass up a chance to do some business just because I happen to be steering my car around some roundabout or other.

Besides, how would anyone know I was driving when they called? How is he/she going to know whether I’m at the office, driving around or sitting at home with my feet up, enjoying a gin and tonic?

I’ll tell you this: I’d sooner answer a call while driving around than while relaxing at home with a drink.

And what about texting while driving? Is that an offence too? Oh for goodness’ sake, give me strength! What do you mean, yes?

OK, here’s the thing: my Blackberry beeps to indicate I have a message, an important message, just as I whiz around the Valletta ring-road. Am I supposed to ignore that, too?

No. Sorry: if a load of ignorant people decide to ban something I have been doing in perfect safety for years just because, well, just because they feel like it, frankly, they can get stuffed!

Alright, I’ll admit I have been involved in the occasional minor shunt while using my mobile when I’m driving. There was the time I was texting a business colleague while cruising up to the lights in Floriana – and I inadvertently went into the back of a Skoda as I did so.

Well, as I said at the time: I’ll bet a little crash like that wouldn’t have written off a BMW. Anyway, it was the Skoda driver’s fault for stopping in front of me; I consider myself completely blameless in that incident – despite what the idiot of a magistrate may have said.

But apart from that minor incident, I have never had any problems using my mobile while... oh yes, quite right: there was the unfortunate incident with the fat local warden.

Oh, sure, I hit him with my car. Well, it was his stupid fault for stepping out in front of me while I’m doing 40, steering with my knees, texting on one mobile and chatting on another.

Still, he wasn’t that badly hurt and orthopaedic surgery has made tremendous strides in recent years. And I, or, rather, my secretary, did send him a get well soon card.

So for goodness’ sake, let’s have less of the nanny state. If I want to kill myself or somebody else while driving along using my mobile phone, I bloody well will and nobody – except the grim reaper – is going to stop me. So there!