As a separated parent, would I tell my daughter never to get married?
I've been mulling over this question ever since the report on the Family Court by Parliament's Social Affairs Committee came out, declaring that Maltese separating couples' advice to their children is: "Don't get married."
The report does not exactly specify what this means. Are parents saying: 'Stay single', or are they saying, 'Live together but don't bother to make your relationship official'? Either way, I think we're doing a disservice to our children. If our marriages have failed, we don't need to transfer the frustration of our pain on to our offspring.
Even back in Roman days, Cicero the philosopher wrote: "The first bond of society is marriage." And we should uphold that. I think separated parents should stop blaming the breakdown of their relationship on marriage per se.
A relationship doesn't break down just because you put a ring on your finger. The ring doesn't suddenly, as if by witchcraft, become a smouldering chain. A relationship breaks down because of unacceptable behaviours in the relationship.
Of course, no one is ever prepared for the psychological and physical impact of splitting up; or the feeling of utter fragmentation, loss and exhaustion. It is like sleepwalking through chaotic excruciating madness, and I'd rather walk through fire for days on end than have my daughter go through that.
Still, I would never tell my daughter not to get married if she so wished. I believe marriage, when it works, is something wonderful. I would, though, tell her to be very careful who to marry. "Be of love (a little) more careful than of everything," the American poet e.e. cummings once said. Put simply, I would want my daughter to be a thinking bride.
As I'm writing this, I've got Elvis on in the background singing: "You walk like an angel, you talk like an angel, but you're the devil in disguise". He's got it spot on: we are easily blinded. Love's rose-tinted glasses can convince us we are on the same wavelength as our beau. Whereas, a little bit less romantic haze would show us otherwise.
Unfortunately, from a tender age, all media bombard us with the myth that marriage is a fantasy of blissful happiness. So when all of sudden things go wrong, we blame the 'chains of marriage'. This is silly.
Someone, somewhere, said that chains do not hold a marriage together: it's threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years. I find this so beautiful. When I read it, I thought of my parents, and I know how true that is.
You see, it's not marriage itself that matters to society, but the building of strong relationships between people: the value of com-mitment, loyalty and friendship. This is where we are failing.
We've spent years and acres of column inches discussing that scary boo-hoo monster called Divorce, when in truth we should be worried about the deteriorating quality of all kinds of relationships: because the human and economic costs are high.
Are we raising children to be responsible adults in future? Are we leading by example? Do we show them how important it is to appreciate the moment? Do tell them that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side? Do we pass on a joie de vivre or do we take life too seriously?
Children of separated or divorced parents grow up quickly. Which might not be a bad thing. It depends which way they go - with our help, they'll learn to appreciate the value of strong relationships even more. Of course, it's very easy for our cynicism to rub off - even if we say nothing, our actions speak volumes.
Rather than dishing out advice, it's wiser to teach children the importance of watching out for the signs of life. We should be like the battle-weary lioness which ignores her pains and keeps nudging her cubs to follow their instincts.
The best thing we could teach our children is not to get too lost in this hectic lifestyle of work, money and noise, and to listen to their inner voices - clear of romance - when choosing any path in life.
We should be saying to our children: "Life is short. Break the rules. Laugh heartily. Kiss slowly. Love truly. And never regret anything that made you smile" - Anon.
krischetcuti@gmail.com