The following is the transcript of a recent telephone conversation between two very important men. (One of them is much more important than the other... but that's another story).
Voice One: Mr President.
Voice Two: Er, who is that?
VO: It's the President... Mr President.
VT: Yes right... but the president of what; the GWU, the MFA?
VO: The President... of the United States, Mr President.
VT: L'Iswedd? U le, kif jista' jkun?
VO: I assure you, I am he.
VT: Oh come on, it has to be a wind-up... right?
VO: Not at all Mr President, I am he... the president of the US of A... Mr President.
VT: (Pause) Right... oh and it's Prime Minister actually. The office of president in our country is largely constitutional.
VO: Excuse me?
VT: Constitutional. It's sinecure, a job for the boys. Or at least it was until the next one was appointed the other day. Now it's a convenient way of neutralising a political rival.
VO: Ah right. A bit like me bringing Hillary on board.
VT: Exactly. So, I am actually speaking to the newly sworn-in President of the US of A? Ouch!
VO: Excuse me?
VT: No, it's OK. I was just pinching myself. Wait till I tell the lads down at the kazin. You see I can't believe I'm actually speaking to President Barack Osama.
VO: Obama.
VT: Obama, Osama... mhux xorta. What's in a name?
VO: Quite a bit actually. But let's get down to business. I need your help.
VT: My help? The president of the most powerful nation on earth - for the time being anyway - needs my help?
VO: Absolutely. Mr Pres - sorry, Prime Minister; you must have heard of Guantanamo Bay, right?
VT: Er well... I've heard of Mistra Bay. What do you need Mr President? Do you want a permess to build a disco in this Gwann... x'jghidulu? No problem ta... I'll give you JPO's phone number.
VO: Er thanks... later maybe. A disco at Guantanamo? Actually it might not be a bad idea. No, you see, for the past seven and a half years, Guantanamo Bay on the island of Cuba, has hosted a United States military detention centre where several hundred alleged terrorists have been imprisoned. And I intend to abolish this detention centre and rehouse these so-called terrorists elsewhere.
VT: Um OK; so where do I come in?
VO: Mr Pres - Prime Minister, we... I would like you, that is your country, to accept a number of these... um prisoners, say 50 or 60. What do you say?
VT: Accept?
VO: Yes, put them into detention centres or wherever in your country.
VT: Detention centres? What qanna detention centres?
VO: Well, couldn't you reopen one of the old gulags on your soil from way back in the bad old days.
VT: I don't think so ta, Paceville is already full.
VO: Excuse me?
VT: Look, I'd love to help, but we are too small here. Mr President... as you must know, our two countries have enjoyed warm - no, piping hot relations since way back... ooh in the mid-1980s.
VO: Is that right?
VT: Indeed it is. In fact just recently we had your esteemed running mate John McCain here for a friendly visit. Delightful chap.
VO: Er, John McCain was not my running mate. He was my opponent.
VT: Just what I was going to say. Funny little man; didn't impress.
VO: To get back to my Guantanamo problem. You see it is one of the pillars of my policy to close that detention centre as soon as possible - if not before. So I am looking to our most important and subservient allies, of which you are certainly one.
VT: Oh please, you're making me blush.
VO: To take in as many of these detainees as you can. They are not all Islamic terrorists and jihadis you know, some are actually quite cuddly.
VT: Mr President; nothing would please me more... but we're already full to overflowing with illegal immigrants.
VO: Really?! Um... I am speaking to the pres - prime minister of the Central Caucasian Republic of Moldova, right?
VT: No, this is the central Mediterranean island of Malta.
VO: Uh... Sorry, wrong number.