They warned us that it would be crazy to visit Morocco in an all-female group. They told us about the male perverts, the hawker pests, and the appropriate dress code - ‘do not expose any flesh' they said; ‘Cover all your limbs, and don't drink their water, get the best insect repellent (with Deet), and cover your head from the sun, hide your money in your underwear, and haggle until you're blue in the face.'

It was all good advice but given how colourful and unusual Morocco turned out to be, the suggestions were all very bland. For instance, everyone failed to point out that it will take weeks to get rid of the unique Marrakech smell made up of donkey pooh, diesel and mixed spice. They also failed to tell us that in the mountain gites clean linen is entirely optional, and that Moroccans abuse their donkeys but adore their cats.

So, on my return from a 10 day Moroccan adventure with 7 crazy women, I took it upon myself to provide a real guide to Morocco. This is the unabridged, uncensored guide that you can rely on:

• Most Moroccan abodes are not in the cities but in the Berber Villages around the Atlas Mountains
• Most of them have no decent toilets, no trash cans nor water proofing, but all of them boast a satellite dish on their roof and 100 TV channels in their ‘living' rooms.
• You cannot drive into the Marrakech Medina with a car, but worry not. No matter what time of the night you arrive, boys of all shapes and sizes will come out of nowhere bearing rusty carts to carry your luggage to your Riad. This is probably the first tip you'll feel obliged to fork out. Be careful not to set a precedent by being too generous. You will be expected to keep it up for the rest of your stay.
• Pick pockets in The Jemal Fna Square will not come anywhere near you. I trashed the guy who dared try his luck with stealing my camera. Rest assured that all the others have now been warned about feisty Maltese women.
• Whilst many Moroccans have not seen a bath in their entire lives, they are religious about eating their food with their left hand whilst reserving their right hand exclusively for cleaning their private parts.
• Hardly anyone changes their clothes on a daily basis but they are intensely fond of ‘The Hammam'. This is best described as an old motherly scrub which leaves you feeling, naked, raw, and purple for days!
• They pray five times a day, but they have no reservations when it comes to cheating tourists down to their last Dirham.
• They struggle to make ends meet. They live in unacceptable sanitary conditions, walk miles and miles for fresh water, and yet have a more positive outlook on life and a better sense of humour than most of us who live in relative luxury.
• They smile and sing and make merry and have a good time without a single drop of wine.
• If they're tired they will lie down wherever they happen to be - on the streets, in their shops, on the bus and in restaurants, and not a single eyebrow is raised...ever.
• Moroccan women are considered to be cheap floozies if they expose so much as an elbow, but belly dancers who strut their stuff in everyone's face are held in the highest esteem.
• Their first car is a donkey. Their second car is a bicycle. For many the motorbike remains a third aspiration.
• In rural areas, it is entirely possible to fit 8 Maltese girls, a mountain guide, and a Moroccan driver in one taxi.
• Moroccans will openly inform you that their minimum wage is between €150 and €200 a month. They will then proceed to looking you in the eye and charge you €30 (a week's salary) for a 20 minute taxi ride.
• They're friendly, very friendly. They'll want to know where you're from and they'll always offer you dubious mint tea, after which they will try to sell you your own mother for breakfast.
• They think that shouting ‘Ciao Mortadella' is a charming pick up line. After that they will try ‘Gazelle', ‘Bella' and ‘Magra come eat something'.
• Taking photos of people is a risky business. They don't like it and they will confront you about it if you don't ask for permission. I somehow managed quite a few shots without getting stoned - check out - http://www.alisonbezzina.com/morroccan-delights/
• Go to Marrakech but don't linger there. Two days is more than enough. Move to other parts of Morocco where it's easier to breathe.
• Go to the mountains, but unless you're well trained and have fortified steel ankles do not attempt the Jbel Toubkal summit.
• Be prepared to explain where Malta is over and over and over again. It pays to mention Tunisia more profusely than Sicily.
• Neighbourly love reigns in Morocco. Make sure they don't think you're American (there's a separate price list for the yanks)
• Even if you're on a tight budget, splurge out on a guide or tour operator. Not having to worry about how to get from one place to another is one big headache you can do without.
• If you haggle the way you should, scarves and sofa throws become disposable items.
• If you ask for directions, be ready to pay for the advice.
• Using the roadside squat toilets whilst holding your breath is an acquired skill.
• If you want to keep all your toes you should rehearse jumping out of the way of bicycles, motorbikes, cars, donkeys and carts, before you leave Malta.
• Vegetarian Pizzas come with ham....naturally.
• Before you get a stomach bug....and you will.... try the ‘kefta' (meatballs, sometimes with an egg on top) and ‘tajine de poulet' (chicken with lemons and olives).
• Wine is not widely available but try the Moroccan one....it's divine.
• You will be woken up at sparrow's fart with a singing loudspeaker calling you to prayer. Repeat 5 times a day.Quad biking with Rachid's Palma Quad in Eussaria is a surreal experience that is not to be missed. For as little as €50 you get 3 hours of quad biking on sand dunes and majestic beaches. Be prepared to squint through thick mist and to get totally soaked.
• And finally, before you leave, go to a Hammam. Let the women there rip off your underwear, dump buckets of hot water over you, smear you with black soap, and scrub the city grind out of your every nook and cranny. You'll never feel so clean in your life.
• Bottom line? We loved it. So we'll be sending our friends Matt and Sam home and taking over their Riad in Sidi Kaouki. Visitors bearing only flip flops and scarves will be more than welcome. Clean linen will be guaranteed.