Sometimes children seem to have no reason for their misbehaviour. Jennifer Grech speaks to Steve Libreri to discover why

Many parents erroneously confuse discipline with punishment.

All too often, parents and teachers respond to a child’s misbehaviour with lectures, withdrawal of privileges, and timeouts.

Children can be naturally quite rebellious. Adolescence, for example, may be characterised by frequent bouts of anger, while toddlers generally go through a phase in which they exert their individuality by refusing to follow rules and exhibiting contrary behaviour.

In his introduction to The Children Everyone Sets Aside, a workshop being presented by Willingness Malta at Ir-Razzett l-Antik in Qormi on Monday, Steve Libreri, a parenting coach and warranted senior social worker, says that misbehaviour in children has been a matter of interest for years.

Despite all efforts to understand what are usually referred to as ‘naughty’ children and young adults, explanations for this phenomenon remain elusive.

“Parenting is an ancient art and it’s one of the oldest activities in human history. Parenting involves much more than just giving birth. It’s about caring for children so they grow into healthy adults who can contribute to society and fit well in it,” Mr Libreri explains.

“Adults in any society have a vested interest to develop good ways of raising children and helping them develop ideas, values and behaviours which befit the social context.”

However, some children do not seem to respond to the accepted social order. They are those we often refer to as ‘naughty’ or ‘challenging’.

“In our workshop this is the topic we wish to address. We want to review the practice methods we adopt so frequently in our professions. The scope will be to evaluate our work, challenge the assumptions which serve as a foundation for our methods, and welcome new ideas.”

In recent decades, family life has changed dramatically. At one time parents were in charge and children followed their lead dutifully. Now it seems to be the other way round.

“This point is not too far-fetched. However, finding a satisfactory explanation for this phenomenon is far from easy. Child-to-parent violence and the asymmetry in the family is a topic which is currently being researched in depth.

“What we know now is still basic and rudimentary. However, when we speak of how children seem to have taken the driving seat in the family, we are almost contemplating a context where children have taken the lead and are now dominating families.”

This is an assumption which Mr Libreri disagrees with.

“Children’s behaviour is generally constructed by the messages that their environment is giving them. For instance, if I tell a five-year-old boy that he cannot eat a cookie before his meal, then this boy will learn a number of lessons. The obvious lesson is that he can eat a cookie after his meal. Another lesson is that I, as the adult, set the rules to be followed. Then this leads us into an important consideration: how do parents contribute to the empowerment of children?

Parenting is an ancient art and it is one of the oldest activities in human history

“Many seem to believe that the context we face today – where children seem to be in charge – is caused by bad parenting. But that is not always true. Admittedly there are situations of neglect and abuse, where children have received harmful messages in their childhood that violence is an acceptable way of acquiring things. Some neglected children simply go about their day without a clear structure of rules, and therefore they may be perceived as kids who cannot adapt to a structure and that they follow no rules, hence ‘naughty’.

“I believe that this can also be a result of empowerment, which is very positive. Children today are more participative and engage in more stimulating conversations with their parents.

“As a result their cognitive abilities are developing in a faster and stronger way.

“Another important change in our society is the removal of corporal punishment. Unfortunately, there are still adults who advocate physical methods of correcting children, because they seem effective.

“They are indeed effective – but not everything that works is good. Children grow despite the physical punishments and abuse, and not because of it.

“Luckily, our society has abolished corporal punishment. But this left a gap in some families. Corporal punishment was effective because it controlled behaviour through fear. When smacking was stopped, parents and caregivers were simply told that the method that worked for them for so long is no longer available. But this left a void. What can parents do instead?

“Many parents found themselves without the necessary skills to control their children. Imagine how it feels for an adult to be bossed around by a child. I have sympathy for parents who lack these skills because I am sure that their frustration is huge. But, not all is lost. I am grateful to say that the services for parents are very developed nowadays, and people can access help easily to learn the skills that they need to return back on track. Sometimes it is just a matter of typing ‘parent coaching’ in a web search,” he says.

Many erroneously confuse discipline with punishment. However, discipline is defined as the formation of character. As adults, especially us professionals, we must adopt methods which include children in meaningful conversations about their place in the world.

Research shows that punishing children creates more misbehaviour. However, in one of his weekly general audiences in St Peter’s Square last year, Pope Francis said it is fine for parents to smack their children as punishment for misbehaving. The Pope said parents should punish their children, ‘do the right thing, and then move on’, as he acted out the movement of smacking a child on the bottom.

Mr Libreri completely discourages the use of smacking.

“Once we dissect the many lessons we learn through smacking, we find this option less of an investment. Smacking children may create an association between not following the rules and pain. There are other dangerous lessons which are imparted through smacking. The worst lesson is that if someone does not do what you are told, you may hit them. It’s the very lesson which drives domination through violence.

“Smacking children also gives the false impression that pain can help someone have their way. Moreover, smacking serves no purpose in teaching children morality. Adults need to explain to their children why their actions are unacceptable. In our society we want adults who are able to comprehend how they affect others. Unless we offer this opportunity to our kids – to talk about their behaviour and offer the time for them to reflect about their actions and how they affected those around them – they may find it hard to pick up the skill of empathy.”

Mr Libreri finds that sitting down with children and talking about their misbehaviour is more effective because they learn that you can resolve everything through communication and that their actions can hurt those around them.

“I think that the secret is to have respect. The interesting part about the Pope’s speech was that there was respect towards parents and teachers. I accept the Pope’s suggestion for more assertiveness in our parenting roles, but it’s not necessary to smack children.

“Children need structure and this has to be made clear by the parents. However, positive parenting requires assertive skills not stinging slaps.

“The point that I feel is most important is that children should be active participants in their healing process. Most often adults take upon them the responsibility to define the problem for the children and engage in behavioural strategies to fix the problem. However, children can be part of their development if given the chance. As adults we should seriously consider how we act around misbehaviour.

“Let me give an example. I shout at a child because he hit his sister. The assumption there is that this child misbehaved because he wanted to. But what if there is more to this story? It’s our responsibility to challenge what we know and evaluate the efficacy of our interventions. I advocate for interventions which include children rather than place them at the receiving end only.

“We need to help children see their connection with the world and those around them. It’s only in this manner that children may begin to realise that they impact others, as others impact them. Through this level of engagement, we can help children start thinking about their feelings in a manner that helps them design their own strategy to adopt behaviours which are more fruitful.”

On April 4, at 6pm, the Razzett l-Antik in Qormi will be hosting students and professionals for a conference titled The Children Everyone Sets Aside: Working With Children With Behavioural Issues. The main speaker will be warranted senior social worker Steve Libreri. For more information regarding events or applications, you can access the 360˚ page and its events directly on Facebook, or send an e-mail at 360multidisciplinary@gmail.com.