It certainly needs no introduction, not in Malta anyway, where the Eurovision Song Contest is, for (too) many the mother of musical events on the annual calendar.

However, just in case you happen to be one of the few islanders oblivious to its existence, it’s worth pointing out that this year’s edition of this international celebration of song (or in many cases, anything but), will take place over three evenings this week.

That the majority of the Maltese love the festival is no secret, and although Richard Rogers had been wanting to write a book about the festival for some time, it was quite likely its incredible popularity here in Malta, along with a touch of that affable home-grown British humour that pushed him to forge ahead and get round to writing The Alternative Guide to Eurovision (A Parody).

Over the course of just under 200 pages, Rogers, a veteran of the music industry, chronicles the history of every Eurovision Song Contest since 1953. Or does he?

Given that the first edition of the festival was actually held in Switzerland in 1956, and not in a car park in Breda, Holland (as the book suggests), it is abundantly clear that this book isn’t quite factual.

On the contrary it is (almost) entirely fictional, the events described within it – from the detailed foreword by a certain Malachy O’Sideburns through the myriad incredible events so delightfully recounted and the convenient appendix listing all the contest winners to date – all a product of Rogers’s highly vivid imagination, or as the author himself puts it, “an excellent guide to how it didn’t happen”.

There’s more to Rogers than just writing about the Eurovision Song Contest however. For the past six years, he’s been based in Malta, but his connection with the island started a long time ago.

“I’d been coming to Malta for over 17 years and made many friends here,” he says.

“Then, in 2005 I was writing a book for the music industry and the British winter was approaching. I decided I’d much rather be in a warmer place to work for the next six months. I liked the island, the climate and the people, and the six months soon became a year, then two, three and here I am, still here today and in no hurry to leave.”

Since moving to Malta, Rogers has also taken the opportunity to apply his experience in the music industry – he’s done everything from slogging it as a roadie back in the 1980s, to being Head of International Artists and Repertoire (A&R) with Warner Chappell and BBC’s Radio 2, starting up and running labels in various European countries, artist management, tour management and penning songs for other artists - within the local scene.

He runs Silverscope UK, which regularly offers local and foreign courses that range from songwriting workshops to lectures detailing how the international music industry works, passing on to local artists and bands his knowledge to help them promote themselves and their music better locally as well as abroad.

“There’s so much talent and potential here, but there is no proper structure to support the scene, no actual market,” he says.

“I’ve been working to try set up an export office that could do much to promote Maltese artists abroad. Malta is probably one of the few countries without such an office.”

He elaborates on the merits and benefits that an export office could bring to local talent, admitting he was baffled why there wasn’t one and more importantly, why artists in Malta don’t seem too concerned about pushing for one to be set up. He remains optimistic, nonetheless.

“I can tell you it hasn’t been easy, but I’m confident that we’ll get there,” he says.

Business issues aside, I ask about his song-writing and musical abilities. Rather unexpectedly, he admits he has never played any instrument, which naturally prompts me to ask how he manages to write songs?

“The thing is, I usually already have the ideas, the melodies in my head – then I follow the pattern that an artist who was signed to one of my labels used to apply. He was a great singer, a great lyricist but an appalling guitar player. He would bring in a great guitarist, a fabulous producer and it would all work, because he was gathering the right people around him.”

He says the music industry is too complex, too tasking for an artist to deal with all its aspects and remain consistently creative.

“In A&R, one the main things I teach is that you can’t do everything on your own. It’s always better to have a team around you.”

He affirms this by outlining the different set-ups he works with in different countries, including an ongoing project called Dead Eye Dolls that is essentially Rogers and an ever-changing number of collaborators.

“I’m currently working on a single called The Psychiatrist. It’s about 14 minutes long, but there will be an edit and also various remixes by a number of different artists.”

There are several other projects on Rogers’s mind, but he admits his busy schedule (besides his music-related activity, Rogers is also a talented painter) often forces him to shelve some ideas for later consideration.

“The Eurovision book was an idea that first came to me some 11 years ago,” he says.

“By the way, is it any good?” he enquires curiously.

Having read the book and laughed heartily doing it, I must say it made for a pleasant and light read, its flowing vocabulary punctuated (more often than not) by an abundance of intended puns, detailing comic situations involving Paraguayan bandits, Bulgarian mermaids and an assortment of outlandish characters that take place in the oddest of locations, among them the Royal Antwerp FC Social Club, Santa’s Grotto, the Budapest Sanatorium for ex-Government Officials and even the Mir Space Station.

“It’s definitely an acquired taste,” Rogers remarks, acknowledging that his brand of irony and humour may not appeal to everyone. He’s probably right, but what was it that inspired him to take on such a project? After all, the Eurovision Song Contest isn’t exactly the most popular event in the UK now, is it?

“Actually it is quite popular, but mostly for its kitsch value; in England people just don’t take it seriously whereas here in Malta they do.”

But where on earth did the ideas for all those over-the-top stories come from?

“Funnily enough, underneath all the irony and comic events, there are quite a few truths…” he says with a laugh that suggests they’re better kept under wraps.

“You’d be surprised to know that quite a few of the places mentioned actually do exist… I did a lot of research to find out the oddest-sounding place names, which is probably why the book took so long to finish.”

Another aspect that took time was that of building as many punch lines into the book as possible.

“The idea was to give it as many in-jokes as possible so that the reader could discover new things when reading the book a second time, kind of like when you see a movie twice and realise there was something else going on in the background that you hadn’t noticed first time round.”

Despite the title, Rogers says the book isn’t only about the Eurovision phenomenon. If you read between the lines, he says, the book also pokes fun at a lot of different areas of life, and underneath it all there may even be a hint of reality.

In the end, it’s all up to the reader to decide what’s what. One thing is sure: this book does exactly what it says on the cover.

“I suppose the book is aimed more at the British reader, but I’m sure a good number of Maltese people will get its humour and see the funny side of it.”

After all, hasn’t it been said often enough that we shouldn’t take the Eurovision Song Contest so seriously?

The Alternative Guide to Eurovision (A Parody) is available directly from the author by e-mailing silverscope@btconnect.com. For more information, log on to www.maltamusiccourses.com.

bugeja.michael@gmail.com