Q. I don't laugh very much because my teeth are so bad. Most people think I am simply miserable and quiet ‒ but the truth is I am embarrassed. I am also worried because my husband is getting increasingly angry that I am not doing anything about it. I'd like to ‒ but I'm also terrified of dentists.
I haven't been to a dentist since I was 17, and that was 15 years ago when I had a wisdom tooth taken out. The whole experience was so nasty that I've not been back since.
You probably think this is really pathetic but I really am at my wit's end. F.J.H.
A. It's not pathetic; you've had a bad experience and I can fully understand why you'd be reluctant to risk the same again. And neither are you alone in feeling like this; many more people than you realise experience some degree of anxiety when going to the dentist.
However, the good news is that dental practice has improved considerably in recent years. Dentists are certainly more aware of the needs of nervous patients and modern anaesthetics are considerably more effective. So please, don't put this off any longer.
Q. I am very attracted to a man who is the manager of a store. He's 29, good- looking and also uses the same bus as me to go to and from work. He always smiles at me and sometimes, if we're able to sit near each other, we get chatting. I've also started going in to the store frequently to see if I can see him and I'm sure he knows I'm interested in him.
I also think he's interested in me, so two days ago I followed him home. However, when we got to his house I realised that he is married and has children!
I didn't say anything but went home feeling very upset. Since then I have been feeling rejected and hurt. However, I still have feelings for him and would like to see him again. I am worried, though. What would his family do if they found out we were having an affair? I am so confused. T.G.
A. Are you certain that an affair is possible?
This man may find you attractive but it doesn't sound as if he has ever given you an indication that he wants to take things further. He appears to already be in a happy, stable relationship so why would he want to risk losing it by having an affair?
Even if you were able to get him to start one, the fact remains that he is still extremely unlikely to ever leave his wife. So many of the letters I get are from women unhappily stuck in destructive relationships with married men.
Please walk away from this situation before someone gets hurts. You have nothing to gain and lots to lose.
Look instead for love with someone who is free to return it; someone who can show you the same degree of love and commitment that this man is showing his wife.
Q. My brother's wife died three months ago and he's completely fallen apart. They'd only been together for about five years but he loved her a lot. He's a tough bloke though, and I thought he'd get over it by now. Instead all he does is sit around his house and drink too much.
I pop in to see him regularly and have tried to get him to snap out of it ‒ but he won't. Most of the time he barely acknowledges that I am there; at other times he gets really aggressive.
Last week he took a swing at me but, because he was so drunk, he simply fell on the floor. I hate seeing him like this but don't know what to do to bring him back. Should I just leave him alone as he asks? D.M.
A. It can take as much as four years to come to terms with the death of a loved one, so I am not at all surprised that your brother is in a lot of pain and still grieving for his wife.
As such, I don't think it would be a good idea to leave him alone to grieve ‒ no matter what he says.
He needs the support of friends and family to help him through this, so please don't stop trying to help. Continue to visit when you can and eventually he will start to come to terms with what has happened.
And in the meantime, please don't blame him for getting aggressive ‒ anger is a typical response to bereavement.
You might also find it helpful to contact the Malta Hospice Movement on 2144 0085 or 2148 2013 on his behalf. This organisation provides emotional support and practical advice for any person who has been bereaved.
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Q. It would be no exaggeration to say I was a difficult teenager. I know I gave my parents a rough time but I left home at 17 and set up on my own. Now, 10 years later I'm proud of the fact that I've made something of my life.
I've qualified as a nurse, am happily married and have two small children.
Over the past few years things with my parents have improved and I started visiting them again about 18 months ago.
To begin with it was fine but now, whenever my family and I go to visit them, they moan on and on about what a pain I was.
I tried to laugh it off but now they do it every time we see them ‒ it's as if they want to get back at me for what I put them through and I'm finding it hard not to lose my temper. Can't they see I've changed and that all they are doing is hurting me? W.H.
A. Have you ever told them you're sorry for how difficult you made their lives 10 years ago?
It may be that they are indeed trying to get their own back ‒ even if they aren't conscious of the fact. Next time they start to complain about how you were, tell them you're really, really sorry but that it's in the past; you've put it behind you and hope they can too.
Holding your tongue is only making you angry and resentful and, because it may be that they are angry and resentful too, you and they are winding one another up!
Hopefully once everyone has acknowledged the past it will be easier for everyone to put it behind them and, if they want you to continue to visit them, they will learn to adjust their behaviour.
Q. I split up with my boyfriend, John, three months ago. Although it hurt, it was no great surprise; we'd been drifting apart for about a year ‒ seeing less and less of each other. We weren't involved with other people ‒ we just always seemed to have something else to do that was more important than spending time together.
Shortly after the split I met another guy and we've been seeing a lot of each other. So much so that he says he already loves me and wants me to go with him when he goes overseas to work next month.
I am tempted, he's a nice guy, but over the last couple of weeks I can't shake the feeling that I still love John.
What's wrong with me and why am I so afraid of making a go of this new relationship? K.B.
A. If you have any residual feelings for John, it's not at all surprising that you are finding it difficult to commit to a new relationship. You've also given yourself very little time to come to terms with the split from one partner before jumping straight into a potentially serious relationship with another.
Take time to think through some serious questions. Do you really want to start a new relationship so quickly?
Would you like to attempt a rescue of the relationship with John? Would you simply like some time out to think about your options? There's a lot to think about and making a hasty decision to move overseas into a new relationship will not give you the time you need.
You may find it easier to work through your options by talking with a counsellor.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
I haven't been to a dentist since I was 17, and that was 15 years ago when I had a wisdom tooth taken out. The whole experience was so nasty that I've not been back since.
You probably think this is really pathetic but I really am at my wit's end. F.J.H.
A. It's not pathetic; you've had a bad experience and I can fully understand why you'd be reluctant to risk the same again. And neither are you alone in feeling like this; many more people than you realise experience some degree of anxiety when going to the dentist.
However, the good news is that dental practice has improved considerably in recent years. Dentists are certainly more aware of the needs of nervous patients and modern anaesthetics are considerably more effective. So please, don't put this off any longer.
Q. I am very attracted to a man who is the manager of a store. He's 29, good- looking and also uses the same bus as me to go to and from work. He always smiles at me and sometimes, if we're able to sit near each other, we get chatting. I've also started going in to the store frequently to see if I can see him and I'm sure he knows I'm interested in him.
I also think he's interested in me, so two days ago I followed him home. However, when we got to his house I realised that he is married and has children!
I didn't say anything but went home feeling very upset. Since then I have been feeling rejected and hurt. However, I still have feelings for him and would like to see him again. I am worried, though. What would his family do if they found out we were having an affair? I am so confused. T.G.
A. Are you certain that an affair is possible?
This man may find you attractive but it doesn't sound as if he has ever given you an indication that he wants to take things further. He appears to already be in a happy, stable relationship so why would he want to risk losing it by having an affair?
Even if you were able to get him to start one, the fact remains that he is still extremely unlikely to ever leave his wife. So many of the letters I get are from women unhappily stuck in destructive relationships with married men.
Please walk away from this situation before someone gets hurts. You have nothing to gain and lots to lose.
Look instead for love with someone who is free to return it; someone who can show you the same degree of love and commitment that this man is showing his wife.
Q. My brother's wife died three months ago and he's completely fallen apart. They'd only been together for about five years but he loved her a lot. He's a tough bloke though, and I thought he'd get over it by now. Instead all he does is sit around his house and drink too much.
I pop in to see him regularly and have tried to get him to snap out of it ‒ but he won't. Most of the time he barely acknowledges that I am there; at other times he gets really aggressive.
Last week he took a swing at me but, because he was so drunk, he simply fell on the floor. I hate seeing him like this but don't know what to do to bring him back. Should I just leave him alone as he asks? D.M.
A. It can take as much as four years to come to terms with the death of a loved one, so I am not at all surprised that your brother is in a lot of pain and still grieving for his wife.
As such, I don't think it would be a good idea to leave him alone to grieve ‒ no matter what he says.
He needs the support of friends and family to help him through this, so please don't stop trying to help. Continue to visit when you can and eventually he will start to come to terms with what has happened.
And in the meantime, please don't blame him for getting aggressive ‒ anger is a typical response to bereavement.
You might also find it helpful to contact the Malta Hospice Movement on 2144 0085 or 2148 2013 on his behalf. This organisation provides emotional support and practical advice for any person who has been bereaved.
-
Q. It would be no exaggeration to say I was a difficult teenager. I know I gave my parents a rough time but I left home at 17 and set up on my own. Now, 10 years later I'm proud of the fact that I've made something of my life.
I've qualified as a nurse, am happily married and have two small children.
Over the past few years things with my parents have improved and I started visiting them again about 18 months ago.
To begin with it was fine but now, whenever my family and I go to visit them, they moan on and on about what a pain I was.
I tried to laugh it off but now they do it every time we see them ‒ it's as if they want to get back at me for what I put them through and I'm finding it hard not to lose my temper. Can't they see I've changed and that all they are doing is hurting me? W.H.
A. Have you ever told them you're sorry for how difficult you made their lives 10 years ago?
It may be that they are indeed trying to get their own back ‒ even if they aren't conscious of the fact. Next time they start to complain about how you were, tell them you're really, really sorry but that it's in the past; you've put it behind you and hope they can too.
Holding your tongue is only making you angry and resentful and, because it may be that they are angry and resentful too, you and they are winding one another up!
Hopefully once everyone has acknowledged the past it will be easier for everyone to put it behind them and, if they want you to continue to visit them, they will learn to adjust their behaviour.
Q. I split up with my boyfriend, John, three months ago. Although it hurt, it was no great surprise; we'd been drifting apart for about a year ‒ seeing less and less of each other. We weren't involved with other people ‒ we just always seemed to have something else to do that was more important than spending time together.
Shortly after the split I met another guy and we've been seeing a lot of each other. So much so that he says he already loves me and wants me to go with him when he goes overseas to work next month.
I am tempted, he's a nice guy, but over the last couple of weeks I can't shake the feeling that I still love John.
What's wrong with me and why am I so afraid of making a go of this new relationship? K.B.
A. If you have any residual feelings for John, it's not at all surprising that you are finding it difficult to commit to a new relationship. You've also given yourself very little time to come to terms with the split from one partner before jumping straight into a potentially serious relationship with another.
Take time to think through some serious questions. Do you really want to start a new relationship so quickly?
Would you like to attempt a rescue of the relationship with John? Would you simply like some time out to think about your options? There's a lot to think about and making a hasty decision to move overseas into a new relationship will not give you the time you need.
You may find it easier to work through your options by talking with a counsellor.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.