Q. My boyfriend proposed to me last night and I accepted. However, when I told my mother she got really upset and tried to convince me that he isn't right for me. I tried to get her to explain why she felt like this and, while initially reluctant to tell me, she eventually said it was because he is a plumber and that I would find it difficult to live with a man who wasn't as well educated as me.
I couldn't believe this when I heard it and when I tried to explain all the reasons why it was nonsense she just got even more shirty and refused to talk about it. She simply wouldn't accept that, although only a plumber, he earned twice what I did last year and has treated me better than any of my earlier "educated" boyfriends.
He is also the only man who hasn't passed judgement on the fact that I want a career before a family. Why can't she see that, on so many levels, this man is totally right for me? G.L.
A. Please try not to be too harsh with your mother, I suspect that she only has your best interests at heart. It seems that, as far as she's concerned, the road to married bliss seems to involve a well-educated, professional man.
In the real world though, as you and I know, a successful, loving relationship is built on so much more than simply a similar educational background. All I can suggest is that you try to explain to your mother why you feel this man is right for you, again.
Hopefully, once she sees that you are serious and that you love him, she will moderate her opposition. However, be ready for the possibility that, while she may accept that she cannot influence your choice of husband, she will continue to think that no man is ever going to be good enough for her daughter. From what you've said to me, though, I think you'll be very happy.
Q. My mother died a few months back. It was completely unexpected and a great shock to everyone. I cried for days but everyone thought it was my husband who had lost a parent; he went to pieces and stayed that way for weeks.
So much so that he became the centre of their sympathy. And what made things worse for me was his attitude. When I suggested, after one particularly long sympathy phone call that he'd again taken, that perhaps it was more appropriate for me to take calls like this he said that I hadn't been close to her anyway.
This hurt almost as much as losing my mother. How could he have said such a callous thing? While I have never been as demonstrative with her as my sister, I had always loved my mother. I think my husband realised that he'd overstepped the mark because he suddenly seemed to recover from his grief.
However, I still feel very angry and this episode has made me realise that he has always been like this. Whenever anything happens he has to be at the centre of it and his feelings always seem to take precedence. Well I'm not prepared to let him get away with this any longer. Aren't my feelings important too? A.P.
A. Yes they are and, as he seems to have been riding roughshod over these for some time. I think it's not surprising that you are so resentful and angry.
Please talk with your husband. Explain that it felt as though he had taken over your mother's death and that his comment was very hurtful, especially as you had always loved your mother. Hopefully, this should make him realise that he can no longer be quite so self-centred and spur him to change his behaviour.
However, he has been this way for some time and he may not find it easy to change, assuming he even recognises that he has a problem. So, if he can't or won't accept that he has to consider your feelings in future, then perhaps he needs to see a counsellor. It does strike me that, if he took her death so badly, he has issues himself that need resolving.
Q. Is it ever really possible to forgive and forget? Last month I found out that, for nearly two years, my husband has been seeing someone else. He has promised that it is over and that he is genuinely sorry. He says he also wants to work to make things better between us and, to his credit, we have been talking a lot about this. I realise that I still love him but am finding it hard to forget what he has done. It still hurts like hell. L.B.
A. And it will probably continue to do so for some time because, while you may forgive, you're unlikely to ever forget completely what he has done. You've shown great courage in getting this far ? many relationships simply fall apart.
However, although you're both doing all the right things to make this work, it is important to understand that things will never go back to the way they were before this affair. Once trust has been broken like this, it is very hard to re-establish. Your relationship may change though. It may even seem better - but it can never be the same as it once was. And if you can accept this and you're prepared to continue to work at it, I'd say that you have every chance of success.
Finally, if you feel, at any stage, that this process is getting away from you please arrange to see a marriage counsellor. Good luck.
Q. Now that my children have left home the place feels very empty. Although initially very upset, I had begun to realise that it would be good for my husband and I to be able to spend some time together simply being a couple again.
Which is why I am bowled over by my husband's announcement that he wants his mother to move in with us. She's only 69 and still very active and I can't understand why he wants to do this. She seems happy where she is and has never given the slightest indication that she wants to move. Please don't get me wrong ? I'd happily let her stay here if I felt that she needed to or even wanted to. So why is my husband trying to move her in now? L.A.M.
A. It's possible that your husband is missing the children every bit as much as you are and is trying to fill the gap with other family members. It's also possible that he does indeed realise that you can now spend more time together and has simply forgotten how to do this. Whatever the reason, you need to talk with him.
Ask why he feels that his mother needs to move in now. Stress that you'd welcome her should she ever become ill or frail and explain that you were looking forward to simply being with him for a while.
You could also point out that, by moving her in now, he might be prematurely (and unnecessarily) taking away his mother's ability to live independently.
Hopefully, this should encourage him to have a re-think and, assuming he hasn't already spoken to his mother, give you the time you need together.
20080301-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. I waste hours of my life forever checking things that I've already done. For example, every night I check at least five times that all doors and windows are closed. I also have to wash up everything before I go to bed - and sometimes two or three times if I think it's not clean enough. These habits of mine are pretty harmless and I am prepared to live with them.
However, my husband thinks I should see a counsellor. I'm not sure I want someone messing with my head unnecessarily, though, and telling me what I can and cannot do. What do you think? E.K.
A. A counsellor will not "mess with your head". Typically, the role of a counsellor is to encourage a person to talk. This might indeed be about one or more problems ? emotional or otherwise ? though not exclusively so. Some people seek counselling because they have no other opportunity to simply stop and talk with a good listener ? one who will not steer the conversation but instead allow the talker to lead.
Moreover, a counsellor will not "tell" you what to do; rather he will encourage you to look at issues, things or your life in general from a different perspective. He will also encourage you to reach your own conclusions and solutions, if that is what you are looking for.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
I couldn't believe this when I heard it and when I tried to explain all the reasons why it was nonsense she just got even more shirty and refused to talk about it. She simply wouldn't accept that, although only a plumber, he earned twice what I did last year and has treated me better than any of my earlier "educated" boyfriends.
He is also the only man who hasn't passed judgement on the fact that I want a career before a family. Why can't she see that, on so many levels, this man is totally right for me? G.L.
A. Please try not to be too harsh with your mother, I suspect that she only has your best interests at heart. It seems that, as far as she's concerned, the road to married bliss seems to involve a well-educated, professional man.
In the real world though, as you and I know, a successful, loving relationship is built on so much more than simply a similar educational background. All I can suggest is that you try to explain to your mother why you feel this man is right for you, again.
Hopefully, once she sees that you are serious and that you love him, she will moderate her opposition. However, be ready for the possibility that, while she may accept that she cannot influence your choice of husband, she will continue to think that no man is ever going to be good enough for her daughter. From what you've said to me, though, I think you'll be very happy.
Q. My mother died a few months back. It was completely unexpected and a great shock to everyone. I cried for days but everyone thought it was my husband who had lost a parent; he went to pieces and stayed that way for weeks.
So much so that he became the centre of their sympathy. And what made things worse for me was his attitude. When I suggested, after one particularly long sympathy phone call that he'd again taken, that perhaps it was more appropriate for me to take calls like this he said that I hadn't been close to her anyway.
This hurt almost as much as losing my mother. How could he have said such a callous thing? While I have never been as demonstrative with her as my sister, I had always loved my mother. I think my husband realised that he'd overstepped the mark because he suddenly seemed to recover from his grief.
However, I still feel very angry and this episode has made me realise that he has always been like this. Whenever anything happens he has to be at the centre of it and his feelings always seem to take precedence. Well I'm not prepared to let him get away with this any longer. Aren't my feelings important too? A.P.
A. Yes they are and, as he seems to have been riding roughshod over these for some time. I think it's not surprising that you are so resentful and angry.
Please talk with your husband. Explain that it felt as though he had taken over your mother's death and that his comment was very hurtful, especially as you had always loved your mother. Hopefully, this should make him realise that he can no longer be quite so self-centred and spur him to change his behaviour.
However, he has been this way for some time and he may not find it easy to change, assuming he even recognises that he has a problem. So, if he can't or won't accept that he has to consider your feelings in future, then perhaps he needs to see a counsellor. It does strike me that, if he took her death so badly, he has issues himself that need resolving.
Q. Is it ever really possible to forgive and forget? Last month I found out that, for nearly two years, my husband has been seeing someone else. He has promised that it is over and that he is genuinely sorry. He says he also wants to work to make things better between us and, to his credit, we have been talking a lot about this. I realise that I still love him but am finding it hard to forget what he has done. It still hurts like hell. L.B.
A. And it will probably continue to do so for some time because, while you may forgive, you're unlikely to ever forget completely what he has done. You've shown great courage in getting this far ? many relationships simply fall apart.
However, although you're both doing all the right things to make this work, it is important to understand that things will never go back to the way they were before this affair. Once trust has been broken like this, it is very hard to re-establish. Your relationship may change though. It may even seem better - but it can never be the same as it once was. And if you can accept this and you're prepared to continue to work at it, I'd say that you have every chance of success.
Finally, if you feel, at any stage, that this process is getting away from you please arrange to see a marriage counsellor. Good luck.
Q. Now that my children have left home the place feels very empty. Although initially very upset, I had begun to realise that it would be good for my husband and I to be able to spend some time together simply being a couple again.
Which is why I am bowled over by my husband's announcement that he wants his mother to move in with us. She's only 69 and still very active and I can't understand why he wants to do this. She seems happy where she is and has never given the slightest indication that she wants to move. Please don't get me wrong ? I'd happily let her stay here if I felt that she needed to or even wanted to. So why is my husband trying to move her in now? L.A.M.
A. It's possible that your husband is missing the children every bit as much as you are and is trying to fill the gap with other family members. It's also possible that he does indeed realise that you can now spend more time together and has simply forgotten how to do this. Whatever the reason, you need to talk with him.
Ask why he feels that his mother needs to move in now. Stress that you'd welcome her should she ever become ill or frail and explain that you were looking forward to simply being with him for a while.
You could also point out that, by moving her in now, he might be prematurely (and unnecessarily) taking away his mother's ability to live independently.
Hopefully, this should encourage him to have a re-think and, assuming he hasn't already spoken to his mother, give you the time you need together.
20080301-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. I waste hours of my life forever checking things that I've already done. For example, every night I check at least five times that all doors and windows are closed. I also have to wash up everything before I go to bed - and sometimes two or three times if I think it's not clean enough. These habits of mine are pretty harmless and I am prepared to live with them.
However, my husband thinks I should see a counsellor. I'm not sure I want someone messing with my head unnecessarily, though, and telling me what I can and cannot do. What do you think? E.K.
A. A counsellor will not "mess with your head". Typically, the role of a counsellor is to encourage a person to talk. This might indeed be about one or more problems ? emotional or otherwise ? though not exclusively so. Some people seek counselling because they have no other opportunity to simply stop and talk with a good listener ? one who will not steer the conversation but instead allow the talker to lead.
Moreover, a counsellor will not "tell" you what to do; rather he will encourage you to look at issues, things or your life in general from a different perspective. He will also encourage you to reach your own conclusions and solutions, if that is what you are looking for.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.