Q. I'm not sure what I can do to make my mother appreciate me. I got a first class honours degree from university. I have a really good job ? I'm manager of a department and my work involves me travelling abroad as a company representative.
I have a successful relationship with a wonderful husband. I thought that somewhere along the line she'd be proud of me and tell people so but all she does is go on to her friends about how wonderful my sister is.
She is separated with three children and in a dead end job because it coincides with school times ? she dropped out of university to have her first child.
We're different people and I love her to bits but I'm only comparing myself with her here to try to find out why my mum goes on about her and what a great person she is but never mentions me. I just wish my mum took an interest in me and what I do sometimes. T.A.
A. I suspect that somewhere in her past is something that makes her jealous of your success. Did she have to give up work to have a child ? perhaps even to have you? Could she resent you for that? Her negativity about you may be simply a defence against facing up to what she sees as her own shortcomings.
Your sister may perhaps mirror your mother's own choices in life which is why she talks up those successes your sister has and ignores yours. You could try telling your mother that you love her and would like to have her support and occasional praise for what you do. It may make her realise what she is doing.
If not, though, look for encouragement and appreciation elsewhere. You have a husband and, I suspect, good friends who value you a great deal more than your mother appears to do.
Q. My husband left me to move in with another woman. I don't see why he should have the right to see so much of the children after breaking up our family as he has done.
When he comes to collect them for a visit I feel I should stop them from going because now they are building a relationship with her. I can't stand the thought that he can get away with destroying my life.
I've lost him and I'm terrified I will lose the children too because he and she together have so much more than I've got. Y.J.
A. It's desperately hard for you, seeing your children go off with their dad to be with someone else rather than you. Yet I am sure, deep down, despite your resentment, you know it's important that they keep a relationship going with their father.
Getting over the breakdown of a marriage takes time but if you want to avoid the worst of the long-term damage you need to hang on to your dignity. You won't do that if you try to drive a wedge between your children and their father ? do you really want them to end up with divided loyalties?
If you really love them, you wouldn't want them to be subjected to the pressures that will bring. So let your husband go; let your anger go and gradually you will find you are able to let your pain go.
Eventually you'll find you are over the worst of the grief and able to move forward with your own life.
20080216-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. I've always accepted the long hours my husband works. His job means he has to entertain a lot and, with the children, it's always been easier to leave him to it.
After one late evening a couple of weeks back he didn't come home at all ? normally he'd phone me but this time, he didn't. The following evening, I just knew he'd been with someone else and I confronted him. He just looked so sheepish and confessed that he'd had too much to drink and ended up sleeping with one of the women at the party. He said it's never happened before and that she means nothing to him but it left me so hurt and shocked. I want to believe him but I can't bring myself to trust him.
Since then, neither of us has spoken about it ? in fact, we've hardly spoken about anything, we just drift about trying not to bump into each other. I want my marriage back but I don't know where to start. R.A.
A. You cannot live in this limbo for ever. One of you has to make the first move to resolve the situation, one way or the other. Start by asking your husband how he feels about what has happened.
You need to know if he loves you and whether or not he wants to try to put your marriage back together. Take note of how he replies and the words he uses ? it may help you to take a look at your own feelings.
Do you think you might be able to forgive him? Do you think you could have contributed, in any way, to his need to stray? Is there enough love left between you to try and work things out?
You may find you need an independent third party to help you.
It's all too easy to give up on a relationship after something like this happens but it doesn't need to be the end if you are prepared to work at things. Indeed, it could be a new beginning.
Q. I'm (normally) happily married with two great kids and a wonderful wife. My problem is the stress levels in my job have gone through the roof lately and I've been taking my anger out on my family. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit this ? I've not lashed out but I have lost my temper and I know the kids have been upset. It's hurt my wife too. Obviously I apologise later but that doesn't take away the damage.
My wife says she understands and she's been really supportive but there must be a better way to get rid of all my frustrations without bringing them home to my family. O.E.
A. You can't go on hurting your family and retain a good relationship with them so it's a good thing you've recognised the need to do something. I'd suggest considering whether the job is worth the pressure and, if it's not, think about how you might go about changing it.
That may mean a new job or it may mean making changes at work to stop yourself getting in this state. It may be, though, that this is a temporary situation and you have to put up with it for a while. If so how can you get rid of your frustrations?
Doing something physically active between work and home might help ? think an energetic workout at the gym, a game of squash ? anything where you can vent some of the anger you seem to be feeling. It will also help to relieve all your tense muscles. If you feel your anger levels starting to rise, take yourself out of the room, away from the situation for a while. I'm sure your family will forgive you easily if they see you're making an effort but, if you want to go one stage further, do something together that they will love but which is clearly not your first choice of activity.
They'll love you all the more for the effort you're making and I'm sure no further apologies will be necessary.
Q. I used to be a very active person and although I was never really slim, I wasn't overweight. Then I had children and, in the past five years I've had two children and put on 45 kilos. My husband doesn't seem worried but it's getting to me and I no longer feel attractive.
I've lost my sex drive and I never feel as passionate as I used to. Diets just don't seem to work but, if they did, I'm sure I'd feel better. P.M.
A. Diets alone probably don't work, there has to be a whole change in your lifestyle in order to lose weight and keep it off. You have to be prepared to make a change to your eating habits, your exercise habits ? everything, if you want to be a thinner person. Are you eating a healthy diet ? if so, eat a little less, if not, improve it. If you're walking already, could you increase your exercise by coming back a slightly longer route?
There are all manner of diet books and exercise tapes you could try but you have to want to lose weight and the easiest way to do that is modify what you already do rather than try and change it radically.
As for the loss of your sex drive, with two young children you are bound to be tired so don't be too hard on yourself. Lack of energy is often the cause of lost libido.
Could you arrange with friends or family to have the children for the weekend and take time out to enjoy being alone with your husband? I'm sure that would help.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
I have a successful relationship with a wonderful husband. I thought that somewhere along the line she'd be proud of me and tell people so but all she does is go on to her friends about how wonderful my sister is.
She is separated with three children and in a dead end job because it coincides with school times ? she dropped out of university to have her first child.
We're different people and I love her to bits but I'm only comparing myself with her here to try to find out why my mum goes on about her and what a great person she is but never mentions me. I just wish my mum took an interest in me and what I do sometimes. T.A.
A. I suspect that somewhere in her past is something that makes her jealous of your success. Did she have to give up work to have a child ? perhaps even to have you? Could she resent you for that? Her negativity about you may be simply a defence against facing up to what she sees as her own shortcomings.
Your sister may perhaps mirror your mother's own choices in life which is why she talks up those successes your sister has and ignores yours. You could try telling your mother that you love her and would like to have her support and occasional praise for what you do. It may make her realise what she is doing.
If not, though, look for encouragement and appreciation elsewhere. You have a husband and, I suspect, good friends who value you a great deal more than your mother appears to do.
Q. My husband left me to move in with another woman. I don't see why he should have the right to see so much of the children after breaking up our family as he has done.
When he comes to collect them for a visit I feel I should stop them from going because now they are building a relationship with her. I can't stand the thought that he can get away with destroying my life.
I've lost him and I'm terrified I will lose the children too because he and she together have so much more than I've got. Y.J.
A. It's desperately hard for you, seeing your children go off with their dad to be with someone else rather than you. Yet I am sure, deep down, despite your resentment, you know it's important that they keep a relationship going with their father.
Getting over the breakdown of a marriage takes time but if you want to avoid the worst of the long-term damage you need to hang on to your dignity. You won't do that if you try to drive a wedge between your children and their father ? do you really want them to end up with divided loyalties?
If you really love them, you wouldn't want them to be subjected to the pressures that will bring. So let your husband go; let your anger go and gradually you will find you are able to let your pain go.
Eventually you'll find you are over the worst of the grief and able to move forward with your own life.
20080216-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. I've always accepted the long hours my husband works. His job means he has to entertain a lot and, with the children, it's always been easier to leave him to it.
After one late evening a couple of weeks back he didn't come home at all ? normally he'd phone me but this time, he didn't. The following evening, I just knew he'd been with someone else and I confronted him. He just looked so sheepish and confessed that he'd had too much to drink and ended up sleeping with one of the women at the party. He said it's never happened before and that she means nothing to him but it left me so hurt and shocked. I want to believe him but I can't bring myself to trust him.
Since then, neither of us has spoken about it ? in fact, we've hardly spoken about anything, we just drift about trying not to bump into each other. I want my marriage back but I don't know where to start. R.A.
A. You cannot live in this limbo for ever. One of you has to make the first move to resolve the situation, one way or the other. Start by asking your husband how he feels about what has happened.
You need to know if he loves you and whether or not he wants to try to put your marriage back together. Take note of how he replies and the words he uses ? it may help you to take a look at your own feelings.
Do you think you might be able to forgive him? Do you think you could have contributed, in any way, to his need to stray? Is there enough love left between you to try and work things out?
You may find you need an independent third party to help you.
It's all too easy to give up on a relationship after something like this happens but it doesn't need to be the end if you are prepared to work at things. Indeed, it could be a new beginning.
Q. I'm (normally) happily married with two great kids and a wonderful wife. My problem is the stress levels in my job have gone through the roof lately and I've been taking my anger out on my family. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit this ? I've not lashed out but I have lost my temper and I know the kids have been upset. It's hurt my wife too. Obviously I apologise later but that doesn't take away the damage.
My wife says she understands and she's been really supportive but there must be a better way to get rid of all my frustrations without bringing them home to my family. O.E.
A. You can't go on hurting your family and retain a good relationship with them so it's a good thing you've recognised the need to do something. I'd suggest considering whether the job is worth the pressure and, if it's not, think about how you might go about changing it.
That may mean a new job or it may mean making changes at work to stop yourself getting in this state. It may be, though, that this is a temporary situation and you have to put up with it for a while. If so how can you get rid of your frustrations?
Doing something physically active between work and home might help ? think an energetic workout at the gym, a game of squash ? anything where you can vent some of the anger you seem to be feeling. It will also help to relieve all your tense muscles. If you feel your anger levels starting to rise, take yourself out of the room, away from the situation for a while. I'm sure your family will forgive you easily if they see you're making an effort but, if you want to go one stage further, do something together that they will love but which is clearly not your first choice of activity.
They'll love you all the more for the effort you're making and I'm sure no further apologies will be necessary.
Q. I used to be a very active person and although I was never really slim, I wasn't overweight. Then I had children and, in the past five years I've had two children and put on 45 kilos. My husband doesn't seem worried but it's getting to me and I no longer feel attractive.
I've lost my sex drive and I never feel as passionate as I used to. Diets just don't seem to work but, if they did, I'm sure I'd feel better. P.M.
A. Diets alone probably don't work, there has to be a whole change in your lifestyle in order to lose weight and keep it off. You have to be prepared to make a change to your eating habits, your exercise habits ? everything, if you want to be a thinner person. Are you eating a healthy diet ? if so, eat a little less, if not, improve it. If you're walking already, could you increase your exercise by coming back a slightly longer route?
There are all manner of diet books and exercise tapes you could try but you have to want to lose weight and the easiest way to do that is modify what you already do rather than try and change it radically.
As for the loss of your sex drive, with two young children you are bound to be tired so don't be too hard on yourself. Lack of energy is often the cause of lost libido.
Could you arrange with friends or family to have the children for the weekend and take time out to enjoy being alone with your husband? I'm sure that would help.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.