Q. After a messy, complicated separation my self-esteem was very low and it took me three years to feel ready to start dating again. Getting dates hasn't been a problem but getting a relationship has.
All the men I've met seem to expect sex after the first time they go out with me. Then they lose interest in me.
I've had so many one-night-stands and I'd do anything for a proper relationship again. I expect you will tell me I should just refuse, but they are all so insistent it is just easier to agree. There must be men out there who want relationships, so how come I never meet them? C.D
A. Your self-esteem will never recover if you give in to sex after each date simply because it's easier to agree. And if you go into each date thinking this way, then that's what most of these men are going to pick up on.
If sex is what you want, then by all means sleep with a man on a first date; but do it because you want to, not because you think he expects it and you can't be bothered to refuse.
However, if it's a relationship you want, you need to stop treating these dates so casually; perhaps then you may find that men stop treating you so casually as well.
Q. I'm one of those people who find it impossible to say no and it's wearing me out! I've always been this way - even at school. But I'm now in my 30s and I should, by now, have the courage to stand up for myself.
I have a full-time job, two children and have been "volunteered" to run the charity committee at work and ended up on two other committees as well.
I can't cope with all of this - I have no time at all for myself. How do I get out of this mess? S.P
A. Saying no can be hard, especially for women who grow up being expected, from an early age, to be helpful and cooperative. They can lose the ability to assert themselves and I think that's what has happened to you. However, after a lifetime of saying yes it is possible for you to learn how to say no.
Start by looking at yourself in a mirror and practice saying no. Then take an opportunity, each day, not to do something. In time, you'll find it easier to say no, at which point I suggest you take a hard look at all of the things you're doing and resign from those you least like.
If this doesn't enable you to shed a few tasks, you may need to consider assertiveness training, but please give this process a good try first. Good luck.
Q. My husband and I have been married for 20 years but, for the last two, he's been living away from home. He said he wanted some time alone to work things out and although it hurt, I let him go. He moved into a flat and although the children saw him regularly, I only saw him very occasionally.
Then, a couple of months before Christmas, he got in touch and wanted to see me. Things have been getting better between us again but, when I suggested he might want to move back home, he said he wasn't ready to.
In fact, he said he is happy the way things are. He says he still loves me and doesn't want a separation or anything like that but I am so confused. T.H
A. Some couples can live apart yet remain happily married - but this is very rare. And it can only work if both parties are happy to live this way. Two years apart is long enough for your husband to "work things out" and perhaps, in his own mind, he has. He's got the freedom to live alone and the security of a family who love him to fall back on.
What he doesn't seem to have grasped is that this is unfair on you and your children. And I suspect it will need an ultimatum from you to get him to realise this.
I suggest you explain that you're unhappy. Then give him a couple of months in which to decide whether he is going to move back home and make a serious attempt to make your marriage work. Make it clear that the consequences of not doing this will be that you will look for a separation and make a new life for yourself.
This may seem a little confrontational, but if you don't take a stand now you could find yourself stuck in this position indefinitely.
Q. My husband lost his job three years ago. Things have been tight but we've just about managed financially because I've got a well-paid job.
He's tried to find work - although perhaps not as hard as he might have done. Sometimes, when I have a little spare money, I have suggested that we go out - but he never wants to go. He's tired all the time - so much so that he barely talks to me some evenings.
There's a guy at work who is interested in me and keeps asking me out. I am getting really desperate for a bit of fun and attention. Do you think I should go, just to cheer myself up? I don't think it would be very wrong, would it? T.T
A. If there was really nothing wrong in this would you have written to me asking for my approval?
Of course not; you know as well as I do that it's asking for trouble and you're using much the same arguments that I get from male readers who look to justify an affair.
Your husband's self-esteem seems at an all time low and I suspect that he may already be suffering from depression. So how do you think he will react when he finds out (as he surely will) that you've been going out with other men?
What he needs now is some loving support from you, not only to help him find another job, but also to put some fun and affection back into your relationship.
If you were the one feeling down and depressed, wouldn't you expect no less from him?
20080202-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. For two years I have been living with a man who is 10 years older than me. We've known each other for five years and, before living together, I always thought he was a caring person. However, all we do now is row.
I can't work, we have four children to look after - three from his previous marriage and one of our own.
He manages all of the money, giving me only what he thinks I need to keep all of us fed and clothed, but there is never anything over I can call my own, and I can't remember the last time I bought something for myself.
We love each other, so I can't understand why he can't see what he's doing. I'm so confused and upset and don't know what to do for the best. V.M
A. Money is so often at the root of problems in relationships but it can be overcome if partners are able to talk about finances without becoming angry and blaming each other.
There's clearly very little real communication between you about finances. For example, do you have any idea of how much he is keeping for himself?
It may be that he keeps very little and gives only what he can afford. Similarly he may have no idea of just how expensive it is to run a house and family.
Perhaps if you were to keep a record of exactly how the money is spent he may realise that more is needed.
You once thought he was a kind person and I suspect he still is; so if you could calmly work things out together (without blame) I am sure you could both manage this a little better.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
All the men I've met seem to expect sex after the first time they go out with me. Then they lose interest in me.
I've had so many one-night-stands and I'd do anything for a proper relationship again. I expect you will tell me I should just refuse, but they are all so insistent it is just easier to agree. There must be men out there who want relationships, so how come I never meet them? C.D
A. Your self-esteem will never recover if you give in to sex after each date simply because it's easier to agree. And if you go into each date thinking this way, then that's what most of these men are going to pick up on.
If sex is what you want, then by all means sleep with a man on a first date; but do it because you want to, not because you think he expects it and you can't be bothered to refuse.
However, if it's a relationship you want, you need to stop treating these dates so casually; perhaps then you may find that men stop treating you so casually as well.
Q. I'm one of those people who find it impossible to say no and it's wearing me out! I've always been this way - even at school. But I'm now in my 30s and I should, by now, have the courage to stand up for myself.
I have a full-time job, two children and have been "volunteered" to run the charity committee at work and ended up on two other committees as well.
I can't cope with all of this - I have no time at all for myself. How do I get out of this mess? S.P
A. Saying no can be hard, especially for women who grow up being expected, from an early age, to be helpful and cooperative. They can lose the ability to assert themselves and I think that's what has happened to you. However, after a lifetime of saying yes it is possible for you to learn how to say no.
Start by looking at yourself in a mirror and practice saying no. Then take an opportunity, each day, not to do something. In time, you'll find it easier to say no, at which point I suggest you take a hard look at all of the things you're doing and resign from those you least like.
If this doesn't enable you to shed a few tasks, you may need to consider assertiveness training, but please give this process a good try first. Good luck.
Q. My husband and I have been married for 20 years but, for the last two, he's been living away from home. He said he wanted some time alone to work things out and although it hurt, I let him go. He moved into a flat and although the children saw him regularly, I only saw him very occasionally.
Then, a couple of months before Christmas, he got in touch and wanted to see me. Things have been getting better between us again but, when I suggested he might want to move back home, he said he wasn't ready to.
In fact, he said he is happy the way things are. He says he still loves me and doesn't want a separation or anything like that but I am so confused. T.H
A. Some couples can live apart yet remain happily married - but this is very rare. And it can only work if both parties are happy to live this way. Two years apart is long enough for your husband to "work things out" and perhaps, in his own mind, he has. He's got the freedom to live alone and the security of a family who love him to fall back on.
What he doesn't seem to have grasped is that this is unfair on you and your children. And I suspect it will need an ultimatum from you to get him to realise this.
I suggest you explain that you're unhappy. Then give him a couple of months in which to decide whether he is going to move back home and make a serious attempt to make your marriage work. Make it clear that the consequences of not doing this will be that you will look for a separation and make a new life for yourself.
This may seem a little confrontational, but if you don't take a stand now you could find yourself stuck in this position indefinitely.
Q. My husband lost his job three years ago. Things have been tight but we've just about managed financially because I've got a well-paid job.
He's tried to find work - although perhaps not as hard as he might have done. Sometimes, when I have a little spare money, I have suggested that we go out - but he never wants to go. He's tired all the time - so much so that he barely talks to me some evenings.
There's a guy at work who is interested in me and keeps asking me out. I am getting really desperate for a bit of fun and attention. Do you think I should go, just to cheer myself up? I don't think it would be very wrong, would it? T.T
A. If there was really nothing wrong in this would you have written to me asking for my approval?
Of course not; you know as well as I do that it's asking for trouble and you're using much the same arguments that I get from male readers who look to justify an affair.
Your husband's self-esteem seems at an all time low and I suspect that he may already be suffering from depression. So how do you think he will react when he finds out (as he surely will) that you've been going out with other men?
What he needs now is some loving support from you, not only to help him find another job, but also to put some fun and affection back into your relationship.
If you were the one feeling down and depressed, wouldn't you expect no less from him?
20080202-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. For two years I have been living with a man who is 10 years older than me. We've known each other for five years and, before living together, I always thought he was a caring person. However, all we do now is row.
I can't work, we have four children to look after - three from his previous marriage and one of our own.
He manages all of the money, giving me only what he thinks I need to keep all of us fed and clothed, but there is never anything over I can call my own, and I can't remember the last time I bought something for myself.
We love each other, so I can't understand why he can't see what he's doing. I'm so confused and upset and don't know what to do for the best. V.M
A. Money is so often at the root of problems in relationships but it can be overcome if partners are able to talk about finances without becoming angry and blaming each other.
There's clearly very little real communication between you about finances. For example, do you have any idea of how much he is keeping for himself?
It may be that he keeps very little and gives only what he can afford. Similarly he may have no idea of just how expensive it is to run a house and family.
Perhaps if you were to keep a record of exactly how the money is spent he may realise that more is needed.
You once thought he was a kind person and I suspect he still is; so if you could calmly work things out together (without blame) I am sure you could both manage this a little better.
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.