Q. My husband walked out on me two years ago, leaving me to look after our children. I have had almost no contact with him since then and it has been very hard for the children and me to adjust to our new circumstances.
I have had to find a job and the children have had to cope with seeing less of me. I take a great deal of comfort and pride, though, from the fact that we have survived and in some ways are stronger for it.
However, one thing is getting me down and that is that I have been unable to find someone else with whom I can share my life. I have developed a whole new social life in order to meet someone and I have indeed met lots of new people including several single men.
None of these, though, has been interested in a serious relationship; sex was about the only thing on their mind. So the whole thing has been a waste of time. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude - I just want more than casual sex. Why can't I find my Mr Right? E.Y.L.
A. Perhaps one day you will; but please don't regard the part two years as a waste of time. You've achieved so much in this time. Many people coming out of a failed relationship would love to have your confidence and ability to build a new social life.
However, if you continue to make the search for Mr Right the only purpose of meeting new people, you will waste the opportunities for genuine friendship that come your way.
Can you not see your active social life as an end in itself rather than the means to find a new partner? I know this might seem like your giving up but please don't think this way. Concentrate instead on the positive aspects, the new people you've met and the new interests that you've developed.
And, contrary to what you might expect, this approach may even lead you to find a partner all the sooner. Sometimes, when a person tries too hard to find a life partner, he or she can appear desperate and this can actually put off potential partners.
Q. For as long as I can remember I have lacked confidence. In fact, I am almost crippled by shyness and it is this that has stopped me from achieving so much more.
New people I meet must think I am so rude when I cut them short or simply walk away. Which is why I am dreading getting responses to the job applications I sent out at the end of last year.
I've been in the same job for the past five years and my chances of getting promoted in the same company are slim. However, while I recognise that I need to move on, I am terrified of actually getting an interview. Is this stupid or what? F.W.
A. No, it's not stupid and nor should you feel surprised to feel this way. If you lack confidence and feel shy it's no wonder that you are frightened of interviews. And I think you recognise that, if you are to do yourself justice in an interview, you need to tackle this problem quickly. You can make immediate start by trying to see who you are and what you've done in a more positive light. I am sure that, if you think about it, you've achieved a whole lot more than you give yourself credit for. Then you might consider some form of personal development course that can help you to be more assertive and confident.
Finally, you might also find it helpful to read Confidence Works - Learn To Be Your Own Life Coach by Gladeana McMahon or How To Improve Your Confidence by Kenneth Hambly; both are published by Sheldon Press.
Q. I am 17 and am very much in love with a man who works at the company I have just joined. All I know is that he is 27 and, although I feel strongly that he is the man for me, I have not yet told him how I feel; I have been waiting for the right moment.
However, a girl who works in my office has gone and spoilt everything by telling him that I have fallen for him.
What hurts is the fact that, rather than come and see me, he simply told her that he wasn't interested. How can he say this before he has spent some time getting to know me? What can I do to make him realise that he has made a mistake about me? T.M.
A. How can you be so certain that he is the man for you? As far as I can tell, all you know about this man is that he is 27 and that he is not interested in a relationship with you. And, for all you know, there could be any number of reasons why this should be.
He might be married or in a long-term relationship; he might be gay or simply not interested in any form of relationship at the moment. Also, he may think that you are too young for him. Talk to him if you wish but I think it would be a mistake.
He's made it clear that he's not interested and, if you continue to pursue him, all you'll do is leave yourself exposed to more hurt and rejection. You say he has made a mistake about you - do entertain the possibility that you have made a mistake about him!
20080105-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. After four years of marriage I am still unable to talk openly about intimate things with my husband. There's so much we should be talking about - our life together, our plans for a family, our love life and feelings for each other.
But whenever I try to talk to him about these things I just clam up. Things aren't helped by the fact that he is also a very private person who doesn't let his feelings show.
It's not that we don't have feelings for each other, I think we are very much in love; We just can't talk about it. How we ever managed to get together in the first place, I don't know. What I do know though, is that we can't go on like this. A.N.
A. I am surprised to hear that you and your husband have managed four years together, considering how little you are able to talk to one another!
In relationships where partners do not talk, there is a tendency for every little grievance, problem or irritation to be bottled up. These can then fester and erode the foundations of an otherwise stable relationship. And if partners continue to fail to get to grips with the problem, I think it's usually only a matter of time before things start to go downhill rapidly.
The good news is that, although you find it hard to talk to your husband currently, I think you are more than halfway to finding a solution because you've already recognised that you have a problem.
If you can get your husband to acknowledge the problem too I think it's only a small step from there to actually start a dialogue between you. If you really can't get things started, though,
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.
I have had to find a job and the children have had to cope with seeing less of me. I take a great deal of comfort and pride, though, from the fact that we have survived and in some ways are stronger for it.
However, one thing is getting me down and that is that I have been unable to find someone else with whom I can share my life. I have developed a whole new social life in order to meet someone and I have indeed met lots of new people including several single men.
None of these, though, has been interested in a serious relationship; sex was about the only thing on their mind. So the whole thing has been a waste of time. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude - I just want more than casual sex. Why can't I find my Mr Right? E.Y.L.
A. Perhaps one day you will; but please don't regard the part two years as a waste of time. You've achieved so much in this time. Many people coming out of a failed relationship would love to have your confidence and ability to build a new social life.
However, if you continue to make the search for Mr Right the only purpose of meeting new people, you will waste the opportunities for genuine friendship that come your way.
Can you not see your active social life as an end in itself rather than the means to find a new partner? I know this might seem like your giving up but please don't think this way. Concentrate instead on the positive aspects, the new people you've met and the new interests that you've developed.
And, contrary to what you might expect, this approach may even lead you to find a partner all the sooner. Sometimes, when a person tries too hard to find a life partner, he or she can appear desperate and this can actually put off potential partners.
Q. For as long as I can remember I have lacked confidence. In fact, I am almost crippled by shyness and it is this that has stopped me from achieving so much more.
New people I meet must think I am so rude when I cut them short or simply walk away. Which is why I am dreading getting responses to the job applications I sent out at the end of last year.
I've been in the same job for the past five years and my chances of getting promoted in the same company are slim. However, while I recognise that I need to move on, I am terrified of actually getting an interview. Is this stupid or what? F.W.
A. No, it's not stupid and nor should you feel surprised to feel this way. If you lack confidence and feel shy it's no wonder that you are frightened of interviews. And I think you recognise that, if you are to do yourself justice in an interview, you need to tackle this problem quickly. You can make immediate start by trying to see who you are and what you've done in a more positive light. I am sure that, if you think about it, you've achieved a whole lot more than you give yourself credit for. Then you might consider some form of personal development course that can help you to be more assertive and confident.
Finally, you might also find it helpful to read Confidence Works - Learn To Be Your Own Life Coach by Gladeana McMahon or How To Improve Your Confidence by Kenneth Hambly; both are published by Sheldon Press.
Q. I am 17 and am very much in love with a man who works at the company I have just joined. All I know is that he is 27 and, although I feel strongly that he is the man for me, I have not yet told him how I feel; I have been waiting for the right moment.
However, a girl who works in my office has gone and spoilt everything by telling him that I have fallen for him.
What hurts is the fact that, rather than come and see me, he simply told her that he wasn't interested. How can he say this before he has spent some time getting to know me? What can I do to make him realise that he has made a mistake about me? T.M.
A. How can you be so certain that he is the man for you? As far as I can tell, all you know about this man is that he is 27 and that he is not interested in a relationship with you. And, for all you know, there could be any number of reasons why this should be.
He might be married or in a long-term relationship; he might be gay or simply not interested in any form of relationship at the moment. Also, he may think that you are too young for him. Talk to him if you wish but I think it would be a mistake.
He's made it clear that he's not interested and, if you continue to pursue him, all you'll do is leave yourself exposed to more hurt and rejection. You say he has made a mistake about you - do entertain the possibility that you have made a mistake about him!
20080105-lifestyle--fiona.jpgQ. After four years of marriage I am still unable to talk openly about intimate things with my husband. There's so much we should be talking about - our life together, our plans for a family, our love life and feelings for each other.
But whenever I try to talk to him about these things I just clam up. Things aren't helped by the fact that he is also a very private person who doesn't let his feelings show.
It's not that we don't have feelings for each other, I think we are very much in love; We just can't talk about it. How we ever managed to get together in the first place, I don't know. What I do know though, is that we can't go on like this. A.N.
A. I am surprised to hear that you and your husband have managed four years together, considering how little you are able to talk to one another!
In relationships where partners do not talk, there is a tendency for every little grievance, problem or irritation to be bottled up. These can then fester and erode the foundations of an otherwise stable relationship. And if partners continue to fail to get to grips with the problem, I think it's usually only a matter of time before things start to go downhill rapidly.
The good news is that, although you find it hard to talk to your husband currently, I think you are more than halfway to finding a solution because you've already recognised that you have a problem.
If you can get your husband to acknowledge the problem too I think it's only a small step from there to actually start a dialogue between you. If you really can't get things started, though,
• E-mail agony aunt Fiona Caine at mail@askfiona.net if you have a relationship, sexual, family or marriage problem. All letters are treated in the strictest confidence. Ms Caine cannot enter into personal correspondence though, nor pass letters to other readers.