These are the interviews before the game: first, ’Arry Redcap.

“Well, ’Arry, your lads seem to be running into a rich vein of form right now.”

“Yeah, yeah – I mean, yeah we do, fank goodness… yeah.”

“Two away wins on the trot, but today’s game will be a real test won’t it?”

“Well yeah… I mean every game’s a test, innit?”

“United at Old Trafford: does it get any more challenging?”

“Challenging, yeah, but we got a good record ’ere over the years, ya know. And er… yeah, we see it as just another game really.”

“Really? Come on, ’Arry, it’s more than that isn’t it? You are challenging for top five honours and they are currently sitting on top of the pile.”

“Yeah, they got a good side, I mean… yeah. The boy, whassisname, he’s an ’andy player for them – and yeah… Oh they’re a good side no question, but so are we.”

“Would you like to make a prediction, ’Arry?”

“On what?”

“On today’s score.”

“Naar, I never do nuffink like that. But us to win, two nil.”

And now, Sir Alec Furnishing.

“You’re doing well so far...”

“What you mean, so far?”

“Um, there’s still a long way to go in the season and...”

“Aye an’ as ever-body knows we get baiter and baiter as the season goes on.”

“True, but...”

“No buts… we do, it’s a fact.”

“Ahem, point taken, but they are a good side aren’t they?”

“Us? Aye of course we are… we’re top o’ the league, what more do you want?”

“I meant today’s opposition.”

“I niver speak about referees.”

“I meant the opposing team.”

“Or the linesmen and the fourth official.”

“Right Sir Alex, so would you like to make a prediction as to today’s game?”

“A ‘perdiction’ about wha’?”

“About the final score.”

“Six nil tae us.”

The final score was actually four nil to United. Here is the after- match interview with United striker Dwayne Loony.

“How did it feel, Dwayne, to score twice against such stubborn opponents?”

“Yeah it was like… yeah y’know.”

“That first strike of yours was a cracker, Dwayne. Would you like to talk us through it?”

“Um right well… yeah, you know like… It come over from Nancy...”

“Nani.”

“Him yeah. Like I say, it come over from Nancy out on the left...”

“On the right.”

“An’ yeah y’know like I say… innit like. I ’it it like y’know when it dropped like.”

“Back of the net.”

“Yeah, like I say, y’know like… yeah… innit.”

“Great talking to you – as always Dwayne – and for that sharp insight into a striker’s, er, insight into the art of scoring great goals.”

“Any time like, y’know.”

Finally it’s the turn of ’Arry Redcap again.

“Commiserations ’Arry. It just wasn’t your day, was it?”

“Yeah well… how unlucky can you get?”

“You did lose four nil ’Arry.”

“Any Pimyare league manager’ll tell ya, ya get nuffin’ when ya come up ’ere. An’ today’s ref… was I mean… diabolical he was… dia – bleedin’ – bolical.

“But four nil’s four nil – right?”

“Four nil? Travedy! Absolute bleedin’t travedy!”

“They can’t all have been lucky goals.”

“Well ya seen it wiv yer own eyes didn’t ya. I mean their first was at least two yards offside.”

“Two yards?”

“Well ‘e was offside anyway. Second one ’e ’andled – and the ref saw nuffin’. Diabolical I tell ya.”

“Yeah, but even you have got to admit their third goal was a cracker.”

“Yeah, it woulda been if our keeper hadn’t been fouled in the build-up. An’ they scored their fourth goal from a cross where the ball ’ad already gone behind. Diabolical I tell ya.”

“They took their chances, while you…”

“Chances? We shoulda ’ad at least two penalties. Their big centre ‘alf hauled down Crouchy not once… but twice. You musta seen that.”

“I...”

“‘Zakly, but the ref didn’t see nuffin’. I tell ye it was diabolical.”

“So to sum up ’Arry?”

“Dia – bleedin’ – bolical.”