The things I do for this country.

This morning the big boss dispatches me south, to speak at a political forum. It's at our Żejtun party club - and I am to speak on the government's many achievements.

I am greeted civilly enough and my speech is listened to quite attentively. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, all hell breaks loose and I am assailed by lots of shouting and vulgar words, a chair or two even gets thrown. But for heaven's sake why? I am surely among friends! Oh... sorry, wrong party club.

Monday

My newish secretary Bettina is doing wonderfully well. Though it's true she can't spell, her shorthand is long and she always forgets to pass on messages... she's undoubtedly the most decorative thing in the entire ministry.

And - what's more, she thinks I am a wonderfully clever and sexy workaholic. She's quite right, of course, I am all those things. It's just ironic that it's my secretary, not my wife who has the perception to spot them.

Tuesday

While having a coffee at Cordina this morning, I am approached by a young man I recognise as a reporter from that virulent opposition Sunday rag: Ħadd. Still he seems civil enough and even buys me another cappuccino.

Then he leans in close and says: "Onorevoli, you must be pretty fed up to still be only a parliamentary secretary. At the last ministerial reshuffle, everybody thought you'd become a minister."

Not long ago I'd have agreed with him, but I'm learning fast. I reply: "Not at all, I actually asked to remain in my post." He looks surprised and leaves abruptly. I don't usually tell fibs, but it's OK... I had my fingers crossed.

Wednesday

The green lobby has been making noises again. I keep getting e-mails asking me what I intend to do about over-development and pollution. Well, nothing actually; as being Parliamentary Secretary for Fooling Some of the People Some of the Time, the environment doesn't really fall within my remit.

But... ever mindful of the importance of the green vote, I agree to support their campaign to get a permit refused for a hotel to be built in an ODZ.

Bad move. Well, how was I to know it would be built by our party's main financial supporter?

Thursday

At long last I have a new office at the Ministry for Obfuscation. Actually it's a shed in the courtyard (although the Permanent Secretary calls it an 'annex'). I'm told it used to house the guard dogs in the days when the ministry was a private palazzo.

But I do have more space... just. So I have progressed from a rabbit hutch under the stairs to a kennel in the yard. And, despite the fact that it's had a coat of paint, it still smells faintly of dog. Ah well, beggars can't be choosers.

Friday

This evening I open an art exhibition in my village. It's showing the work of the daughter of one of the party's staunchest supporters. The artist is a large girl in a man's suit and Doc Martins. She's also apparently hugely talented.

A large crowd assembles at the local council offices where the exhibition is being held. I naturally make a speech before unlocking the door to the council chamber where the paintings are displayed.

And this is where things start to go a little pear-shaped. The 20 or so watercolours on show are all nudes. No problem there, but each seems to depict two or more erm... unclothed ladies getting up close and personal with each other.

Dammit all! The whole thing is nothing short of Sapphic pornography. I don't know where to look.

Saturday

Since my wife Angelika practically refuses to leave the house since our daughter Annabelle was born, tonight I invite six close friends to dine at our place.

I've enjoyed better evenings; Angelika bores our friends non-stop with a blow-by-blow account of the entirely forgettable foibles of a six-and-a-half-month-old child... including a comprehensive photographic biography from birth to the present.

Two of our guests fall asleep, two find an excuse to beat a retreat, and the other two - who have recently become parents themselves - decide to stay and up the ante by comparing brat-rearing stories.

I'm beginning to think I should have bought Angelika that puppy when she asked for it.